Walked Into Love

 

When I was nearing missionary age (21) I started to pray to see if it was what Heavenly Father wanted me to do.I felt strongly that He wanted me to go. After I got my mission call I started dating a guy seriously. By the time I left on my mission we were engaged for all intents and purposes. People asked me why I was still going on a mission if I had someone who wanted to marry me and who I wanted to marry. I told them it was because I knew Heavenly Father wanted me to serve a mission. I did ask Him if He still wanted me to go. He said yes. It wasn't a hard decision or choice for me. It was hard to leave that guy, but I was at peace with it. Half way through my mission I got sick, super sick. I had to come home to get well. It took me four months to get to the point that I was eligible to return to my mission. I didn't know if going back was right or not. I didn't know if I'd fulfilled what I had been sent there to do and should move on with new things or not. I prayed again to know. This time Heavenly Father didn't tell me what He wanted. The choice was up to me. It was a hard choice. I had loved being a missionary, but when you are first deciding about a mission you only know about the hard parts of missionary life from the stories of others. Knowing them first hand is totally different. I knew just how hard a mission was. I had to decide if I wanted to do that again. I decided to return. I asked my Father what He thought of that decision, He was okay with it. It was important for me that time to know I had chosen it, because when I went back I faced some of the biggest challenges of my mission. I was stretched in ways I had never considered. It was important that I know it was my choice to be there - Heavenly Father hadn't told me to do it, I chose it.
Ten years later we received the email telling us about Abby. Having been part of the adoption community for a few years I had heard lots of adoption stories. In all the stories I had heard people always said that once they saw their child they KNEW that was their child. I believed that when we met Abby we would KNOW whether she was meant to be our child, whether she had been sent for us. I thought it would be instantaneous. It wasn't. When we met her she was sweet and I enjoyed holding her and it was good to get to know Cheyenne. But I didn't feel an instant bond, I didn't feel an instant love for her beyond anything I'd felt for other babies. I felt good, but nothing overwhelming. This confused me. Ryan and I spent the rest of the day talking about it and praying about it. I know it probably sounds crazy that we wouldn't have just jumped at the chance to adopt a child, any child. But we want OUR children, and we want to feel that they are our children. When I prayed and asked Heavenly Father if she was ours I didn't get an answer. So it was up to us to decide. Did we want to parent a multi-racial child? Did we want to parent a child who's biological father denied paternity? Did we want to parent a child who's possibility of serious developmental problems was so high that the previously selected adoptive family had backed out? Did we want to parent this chubby, big-eyed, curly-haired little princess? Did we want to commit to a life-long (eternal) relationship with her birth-mom and family? Did we want this? And we decided yes, we did. And after we made the decision and told Cheyenne that we did want to and I again prayed about it, I received confirmation that this was in accordance with my Father's plan, but He wanted me to always remember this was my choice, that it was a benefit of adoption that we got to choose, and we chose Abby and everything that will go along with being her parents. I will be forever grateful for that choice - on of the best choices I have made (along with marrying her dad.)
So, my song for today is "I Choose You" by Sara Bareilleshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooiLP_zqnFs