There's no handbook that teaches you how to have the perfect open adoption. No guidelines to help you to know how to help birth parents to heal, or how much time it will take. Nothing to tell you how much contact is the right amount or the right kind. Really, your on your own to figure out how to build this super important relationship, one requiring just as strong a commitment as marriage (in some ways more so because the child will always keep you together, you can't get a divorce from it.) And trying to figure out this whole open adoption has been tricky. Before Cheyenne decided to place Abby with us she told us that she wanted to be able to see Abby twice a year (on each of their birthdays). We said no problem, of course. We also said we didn't feel a need to limit visits to just twice a year. That we were going to all be family and like family she could see Abby when she wanted. Over all I think this approach has worked well. We have celebrated holiday together, she's baby sat Abby several times, we've hung out just because. (We also hang out with Cheyenne's parents which I love, even without Cheyenne - we're family.) However, I think in some ways the frequency of the contact has made it harder for Cheyenne to heal. Like I said before, Cheyenne doesn't share a lot with me about her struggles, so I can't say for sure. But she has told me how hard it is for her to be with Abby. She loves it and hates it. She loves to get to see her, but leaving her each time is hard. I think it is because of this that there have been times when Cheyenne has pulled away. She doesn't usually tell me to leave her alone, but she'll not call for a while and stop responding to texts and such. But even during those times of little contact I know that she still think about Abby every single day. Every. Single. Day.
Song for today: "Not A Day Goes By" by Lonestar https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYzVVr4z70o
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