Risking My Heart

I mentioned yesterday how I was basically engaged when I left on my mission. I was basically engaged up until one week before my mission ended - then I got a letter from that guy informing me that he had decided we would be happier married to other people. While I agree with him (and am so grateful to be married to Ryan!!!!!) I was very hurt at the time. A month after I got home from my mission I started my last year at BYU. I had met Ryan briefly (for 5 minutes) while I was home from my mission when I was sick and I was excited to have the opportunity to get to know him better. We started hanging out the 4th day of school. I have seen him most days since then. But when we first were spending time together I was scared. I didn't want to get my heartbroken again. One day I was talking on the phone with my mission president. He had known about my engagement from the first day we met, and we discussed it at each of our interviews. He had talked to that guy on the phone. And he also knew when I was leaving the mission about the letter ending that relationship. As we were talking this time I told him how I liked Ryan but that I was scared, that I didn't want to fall in love with someone again only to get my heart broken. I can't remember what words he used but he essentially said that I needed to stop it, stop being scared, stop guarding my heart. That if loving always leaves more room for hurt, but that it was the only way to have real joy. So just let myself love. I did, and I loved Ryan quickly. I just had to wait for him to love me too smile emoticon.
Well, when we decided to adopt Abby I was back to guarding my heart. We knew that it was a high risk placement - that the birth father could try to contest, that Cheyenne wouldn't be relinquishing until Abby was a month old and that if she changed her mind we couldn't do anything about it. Abby was at the hospital with Abby pretty much every day (Abby was in there 3 weeks) and we could see how in love with her she was. It seemed very possible that the adoption wouldn't go through. (We didn't even tell anyone other than our families about the possibility of adopting until after we brought her home.) It seemed so risky to fall in love with her, to hope that it would actually happen. But at the same time, it was hard to not fall in love with her. The more time I spent with her the more I wanted to be with her.
So, two songs for today: "Halo" by Beyonce (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnVUHWCynig) and "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARIe3PUgu84)