So I'm not sure how well I'll do with this, but I'm going to try. "I, along with many other amazing hopeful adoptive couples, will be doing a 60 day challenge to let you all get to know us a little better. If you know someone that is looking to place and think they would be a good match for us, have them check out our challenge! Also, if you are hoping to adopt, leave your email in the comments to learn more" #hopingtodadopt60days#hopingtoadopt#choosingadoption#adoptionrocks#myforeverfamily
Adoption arises from pain (pain for a couple faced with infertility, pain for a birth mom breaking her heart to provide a life for a child she is unable to provide, pain of a child struggling with feeling abandoned/ and or abused), but it results in love and joy and so much wonderfulness. There is so much love in adoption, so much beauty, so much peace, so much joy. I'm so grateful for adoption in my life - not just because that is how I became a mom, but because I'm grateful it is the way I became a mom. Does that make sense - I'm grateful for what led me to adoption, I'm grateful to be part of the adoption community and all that has come into my life because of it, I'm grateful to have Abby just as she is, I'm grateful we adopted. I would still love to have the experience of pregnancy and delivery and knowing what it is like to have a child that looks like you and carries your DNA - I would just like to have those experiences, but I wouldn't trade my adoption experiences for them. Because there is so much perfection in adoption, and I'm SO GRATEFUL!!!!!!!!!! (After posting about our adoption every day for 30 days I'm out of ideas of things to write about, so - if you have a question or an idea of something you would like me to write about please let me know! Also, thanks so much to all of you who have read my posts, who have commented, who have shared them. smile emoticon ) My songs for today (my final songs): "Something Perfect" by Michael McLean (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YW4WMzl4h8g) and "Keeper of the Stars" by Tracy Byrd (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wngb5Mq1SQY)
Abby loves us (Ryan and me) - I can tell in the way she gets excited to see us, in her hugs and kisses, in her sweetness to us, in her desire to have us play with her. She loves Cheyenne too - I can tell in the way she talks about her, in her desire to call her, in her desire to have her come to things (like Thanksgiving), in her hugs and reaching up to hold her hand. I think children can love more than two people as their parent. Even in closed adoptions I think the children love their birth parents, without knowing them. I'm grateful Abby has more than two people who love her as deeply and unconditionally as parents do, and that she loves all of us back. And if I do this adoption thing right, I hope Cheyenne will always be there to share in Abby's big moments, those times when being the child's parent are so special - when she gets baptized, when she goes on her first date, when she heads to college, when she gets married, etc. I hope Cheyenne will feel like Abby's mom, and that Abby will feel like she is. The roles of birth mom and adoptive mom are different, but they are both important. I remember one of my adoptive mom friends saying this and I didn't understand it at the time. I do now - we both play a significant role in Abby's life, and always will. (Confession: I didn't start out as comfortable with Cheyenne still being seen as Abby's mom. There was part of me that felt like if she still was Mom, then I was sharing motherhood with her which made my role less of mom than someone who was raising a child born to them. It has taken time as well as insights from my amazing adoption community to help me feel more secure in my role as Abby's mom while also validating Cheyenne's role. I'm grateful for this perspective switch and grateful to have Cheyenne to share this motherhood role with. I still have a ways to go with this, but it's coming along.) My songs for today: "Everything to Me" by Mark Schultz (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhqJYOYcnAU) and "Forever and For Always" by Shania Twain (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpT-FW_G8-A)
Being 100% honest, there are some things about closed adoption that sometimes seem appealing, things that make open adoption hard, for all of us. But also being 100% honest I have never for a second wished we had our adoption closed. I have friends who have closed adoptions - from all sides of the adoption triad - that are happy with it being closed and don't wish for it to be open. I don't believe open is always the right choice, and I don't think it necessarily makes it easier on anyone in the triad. There's good and bad about both. But the truth is, I ache for those in closed adoptions, just because I love open so much. I can't imagine wondering what Abby's birth mom was up to, how her life was going, where she was, what she looked like, what the circumstances surrounding her decision to place were, how much she ached from not having Abby with her any more, what she thought about us, if she had other children, if she was married, etc. I still have questions in regards to how Cheyenne is doing and what she thinks of us, she's not super open about these things, but I would wonder more if I didn't even know who she was. And I think I may feel more guilt knowing I couldn't share any of Abby's amazingness with her. I'm so grateful Abby and Cheyenne know each other. I'm grateful Abby will have the chance to ask her the hard questions. I'm grateful Cheyenne gets to hold Abby, and see her grow up, and know she is happy and healthy and doing great. I wish so much that all those in adoption had those opportunities! My favorite song for today "Somewhere Out There" from An American Tale (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_iRdgGZ6Xc). Other good ones: "I Wonder" by Kellie Pickler, "I Know You're Out There Somewhere" by Moody Blues, "Who Am I" by Phil Collins, "He Would Be Sixteen" by Michelle Wright, and "See You gain" by Carrie Underwood.
Being Thanksgiving I thought for today I would list things I am thankful for in relation to infertility/adoption/Abby/ and anything else I feel like listing smile emoticon I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father that loves me enough to want my happiness as much as I do and knows me well enough to make a plan for me better than I can I'm grateful for all the unanswered prayers that pave the road to the fulfillment of that plan. I'm thankful for the answers to prayers that helped me to wait somewhat patiently I'm thankful for the atonement of my Savior that made it possible for me to wait without crippling pain I'm grateful to live in a country where adoption is possible and in a time where it happens I'm grateful for scriptural examples of women who understood my trial I'm grateful for friends I have made because of infertility and adoption and for the love and support they have given me I'm grateful that infertility didn't drive Ryan and me apart I'm grateful we had 9 years to enjoy each other before adding more people to the mix, and for the fun we had together, and still have. I'm grateful for these years we've had to focus so much attention on Abby and just enjoy her amazingness. I'm grateful for the opportunities I had to serve because I didn't have the responsibility of being a parent. I'm grateful for the opportunity I had to go to school and work for a few years - for the things I learned, and especially the people I met. I'm grateful for Cheyenne's courage - first to say no to abortion, and then to break her heart for Abby I'm grateful for Abby's birth dad, who we have no relationship with but still contributed to making my amazing princess. I'm also grateful he never put up a fight about the adoption. I'm grateful for Cheyenne's family, for their love of Abby and for our friendship with them. I'm grateful for open adoption so that Abby can always have her questions and know she has always been wanted and loved. And so we can have Cheyenne and her family in our lives. I'm grateful to have Abby in our lives - she's my favorite little person! As my sister put it, she's sunshine I'm grateful I get to be her mom, and that I get to parent with Ryan. I'm grateful we were able to afford our adoption. I'm grateful for all the prayers said on our behalf that our family would grow, and for those who prayed them. I'm thankful for all the people who rejoiced with us when Abby joined us - I don't think any child was greeted with more joy (well, maybe Christ), and I have never felt so loved. I'm thankful for all the incredible milk donors who helped me keep Abby fed and full of nutrients. These women did it at their own expense, of time and money, for a total stranger. That kind of service is amazing. I'm especially grateful for our biggest milk donor - my sister Maggi who pumped for us for 9 MONTHS, without even knowing if we would get a baby in time to use it! I'm grateful for the opportunity I've had to share our adoption journey and help people understand better what adoption is all about. I'm grateful for family and friends who share our desire to adopt with others - that's how Abby came to us, a friend telling a friend So much to be thankful for! Songs for today: "Blessings" by Laura Story (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOOFAaUGfRE) and "Beautiful Heartbreak" by Hillary Weeks (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyX-I-um5Kk - this video may make you cry, it's beautiful!). Other good ones for today are "God Blessed the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts, and "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks
Yesterday I talked a little bit about some of my adoption heroes being parents who adopted children through foster care (or just through the state really) or through international adoption. Some of my other heroes are parents who adopted "step" children. Those who whether the adoption was official or not they have raised these children as if they were born to them and loved them thoroughly enough that these children never question whether they are the "real" child of this parent. I have seen split families within my own family and know that having "step" families can be hard. But just like with any adoption, the way a child joins your family is not any where near as important is them being there and being so grateful that they are. And these parents that can see that, and can treat these children in every way as their own, are heroes to me. I am also so grateful that all our family, all our extended family, have always treated Abby as if she had been born to us. (I actually wonder sometimes if Abby gets a little bit of special treatment because she is so unique among our gigantic, very white, family. I think she would have been seen as special and a miracle even if we had born her, just since we had to wait so long, but the added uniqueness of her also coming to us through adoption has given her a special place in everyone's heart - at least that's how it feels to me. It probably also helps that she is a girl. I have 23 nephews but only 6 nieces and the niece closest to Abby in age is 6 years older than her. Anyway...) No one in our family is Abby's "step family", but it's the same idea - loving someone as your family regardless of how they joined. It's all about adoption, which is all about love. My song for today: "Didn't Have to Be" by Brad Paisley. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjO1F6oCab8)
From the time we started the adoption process the first time until we brought Abby home was 2.5 years. This time we have already been waiting over a year. Once you've decided to adopt there are lots of things to consider and decide upon. Do you only want to do infant adoption or would you be willing to adopt older children? Only through an adoption agency or would you adopt through foster care? Only domestic or would you do international. Those are the big questions. And then once those are answered there are a lot of follow up questions. Would you adopt a child with special needs, and if so how severe can the need be? What race are you willing to adopt? Boy or girl or either? What about a sibling group? What countries would you be willing to adopt from? How old of children would you be willing to adopt? It's strange with adoption that you even need to make choices like this. When children are born into your family you don't get to pick all these things. And really, I feel strongly that Abby would have found her way to our family no matter what. The adoption was so we can also have her birth family in our family now. And I also feel confident I will feel the same way about all our future children. And so it is important to me that we pursue adoption in the way Heavenly Father directs us. Sometimes it is hard waiting patiently for our family to grow. It is hard not to just try a new agency, or pursue international or foster adoption. And maybe one day we will, once we feel directed to do so smile emoticon. We are open to it! I have lots of adoption heroes, but some of those I especially look up to have adopted through foster care, and another adopted internationally. These heroes I am thinking of adopted older children. What makes them heroic in my eyes is how much love they have for their children, how forgiving they are, how willing to look past the behaviors that are a result of trauma in their child's early life (look past in that they can see the cause, and yet still try to address the pain so it can be healed), how they are able to help these children know they are part of the family just as much as anyone else, even if they weren't in it from infancy. They are incredible parents with huge hearts and are so inspiring. And I think their children are heroes too, to open their hearts again after having them broken so severely, to learn to trust and love again, to let themselves change. I haven't faced many of the trials these heroes have faced. One thing I can just start to related to is the agony of waiting to bring your child home. (International adoption can be a VERY LOOOOOOONG process, foster adoption too.) I only had 8 days of waiting - 8 days of wanting to bring Abby home, 8 days of waiting to be the one who could advocate for her and care for her. Those eight days were enough to let me see how hard it would be to have to wait months and years to bring your child home. My top 2 songs for today: "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA) and "When Love Takes You In" by Steven Curtis (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beZ5hF-qZDY). But some other really good ones: "Amos Story" by Aaron Ivey, "Kings and Queens" by Audio Adrenaline, "So Far to Find You" by Casting Crowns, and "Home" by Phillip Phillips.
I'm sure all parents have some fears for their children - being afraid someone breaking your daughter's heart, or when she feels so alone because her friends are mean, afraid she won't care about doing well in school or won't make good choices. Being the parent of a child that was adopted increases the number of fears. I'm afraid there will come a time that it will be hard on Abby that she doesn't look like us, I'm afraid for how she will feel about our grafted family tree rather than a traditional one, I'm afraid for the times when her adoption is hard on her, I'm afraid for when she tells me I'm not her "real mom". Birth mom's have fears too - I know Cheyenne has worried that Abby will think she didn't love her (I won't let that happen) and that she will get teased for having been adopted. Some things I am afraid of are inevitable, and some I try to protect against. The more comfortable I get with open adoption the less protective I feel about my role as mom, the less I fear Abby telling me she wants to live with her real mom or something like that. I fear more that she will feel lonely not looking like us. This is one of the main reasons I really hope that we will be able to adopt more multiracial children. But whether we do or not, we will obviously do all we can to help her know we love her, completely, as she is for who she is, and if obstacles arise due to our different races or there are questions we can't answer because of them we will find a solution. We may fail in some areas, but we'll do our best, and we will always love. Song: "You'll Be In My Heart" by Phil Collins (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYzy8RMGaL0)
As I wrote about yesterday, we had to wait six months from the time we brought Abby home until finalization. We also had to wait until after finalization before we could seal Abby to us and for Ryan to be able to bless her in church. (In our faith we believe families can be together forever, that families are meant to be an eternal unit. But for this to be able to happen you must be sealed together in temples - it is one of the main reasons we have temples. When Ryan and I were married we were sealed in a temple. After you are sealed to your spouse any child born to you is automatically sealed to you. But since Abby wasn't born to us we were able to take her to the temple and have her sealed to us. Also in our church, fathers (or other family members) can bless the child in front of the congregation - similar to a christening or dedication in other faiths. You can read more about sealings here: http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/sealing). We decided to do these 3 things all in one weekend so that my family traveling to be with us would be able to attend it all. On Friday October 12th we finalized, on Saturday we were sealed as a family, and on Sunday Ryan blessed her. It was an amazing weekend! In the wording of both the finalization and the sealing we were told that Abby was our daughter just as though she had been born to us. Overall I do not wish that she had been born to us - she wouldn't be the person she is and we wouldn't have Cheyenne or her family as our extended family if Abby had been born to us. But still, hearing them say that was comforting in a way I can't explain - it validated my feeling that I was just as much Abby's mom as anyone else is their child's parent. No, we don't share DNA, and yes, she has a birth mom who has an important role in her life, but as far as the important aspects of motherhood, I had that completely. I don't know that I am explaining this feeling well, and it may only be understood by those of us that have traveled this road, but it was liberating, validating, exhilarating, breath taking (or giving), heart pounding, tear inducing, wonderfulness! It was like I was finally able to breath for the first time. It was amazing - I loved know no one would take Abby from us, that we were a family FOREVER! (I wrote all about this incredible weekend in a lot of detail on our blog: http://www.bigadventuresblog.blogspot.com/2012/11/abbys-story-part-17-becoming-eternal.html) Two songs for today: "At Last" by Etta James (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQ45Q7ZuTEs) and "I See the Light" by Mandy Moore (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9m38Kl-Rp4)
I am not sure if the laws are the same in other states but in Texas you have to wait 6 months from the time a child is placed with you (through adoption) until finalization (the day you go to court and sign all the paperwork and swear before a judge that you will be this child's parent forever.) Finalization is a big deal - it is the time when you get to be this child's parent legally, as if they were born to you, forever. Between placement and finalization the "parent" is technically the adoption agency. If you leave town you are supposed to tell them. Before finalization there is a chance the child could be taken from you. It feels like you are on probation, to show whether you can be a good parent to this child. (The real reason is so that you can make sure you are bonding with the child, make sure you feel comfortable with their health status and everything related to parenting this child because after finalization you are completely responsible, you are legally the parent completely. It's meant more as a protection for you in case you end up wanting to back out of the adoption. But that is not how it felt.) There was a constant fear that I might mess up in some way that would lead to them taking her away from me. What if I didn't buckle her in her car seat just right? What if she got sick too many times. What if someone realized I wasn't doing it all perfectly? I'm sure all new moms worry, but when you don't have legal parental rights all those concerns are elevated, because you don't want anything to mess up this dream that has finally been fulfilled. Finalization was a great day. But on top of the pressure that you feel before finalization there is also the pressure of knowing that this child's first parents chose you to be the parents so that you can provide a good life for the child. This person let their heart break so that the child could have more than they could offer. So you feel this huge sense of responsibility to be the perfect parent, to make that heart breaking sacrifice worth it. I would have wanted to be a perfect parent even if we had conceived Abby, but there was an added layer to it, and that hasn't gone away. My biggest fear with adoption is that Cheyenne will wish she hadn't placed with us, that she will feel like we aren't good parents. I want her to feel like her sacrifice was worth it. I love Abby, and that love is enough to make me want to be the best mom in the world - but adoption has enhanced that desire in me. And yet I fail, all the time. And I have to appologize to her, and I have to try again and keep learning and keep being so grateful that little people are so forgiving and so resilient and not ruined by my imperfections. I'm so grateful for my princess. My song for today fits this feeling so well. "When I Leave the Room" by Natalie Grant (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-ouxPhYy7Y) Here are the lyrics, because they're good: Good night Looks like we made it through the day The moon sighs And I know that we're okay
Sleep tight I love to watch you drift away I would come with you but on my knees I'll stay
Good night Five little fingers holding mine Take flight Into your dreams and lullabies
There's nothing more that I can do But just fall more in love with you And ask the angel armies to stand by When I leave the room
I'm gonna fail you I already have Ten thousand times I will fall down flat
You'll have a seat in the front row Of everything I don't know And all I'm trying to be You'll see
Good night There will be storms that we come through In time We will slay dragons me and you
I'll always wanna hold you tight Keep you safe with all my might So I will leave Jesus next to you When I leave the room
And you will run ahead As if you know the way And I will pray more Then one should have to pray
There will be words we can't take back Silences too And I'll be on my knees You'll see
One night When I am old and unsteady You'll want me to fight But I'll tell you that I'm ready
When there's nothing left to do I will still be loving you Then you'll fold your fingers into mine And I will let Jesus hold you tight When I leave the room
When we were first confronting our infertility it was really hard for me. As I wrote about before, I was a mess for a while. But once people started praying for us (prayers REALLY do help, I've felt them) and I started trusting my Heavenly Father and Savior things got much better. My Savior carried my burden for me. I was about to say I don't know how or why, but that's not true. He did through the Atonement, because He loves me. He loves me not because of anything I've done, but because of what He's done and who He is. (I wrote about this carrying of my burden before, you can read about it if you want: http://choosingadoption.blogspot.com/2011/03/christ-carries-our-burdens.html) There were definitely times when I felt my infertility and our lack of children poignantly, but most of the time I was still able to enjoy life and be happy. I tried focusing on the things we were able to do easily since we didn't have kids yet (work at the temple, travel, date, alone time with Ryan, etc.) and just enjoying the stage we were in. (There was actually a time when Heavenly Father directly told me that this time was given to me as a gift, that once children came my life would never be so care-free again, so enjoy it while it lasted, so I did smile emoticon). But even though I was able to be happy during that time (and I do think of that time as a gift - especially because I was able to enjoy it - even at church and baby showers and family events with my 30 nieces and nephews and very fertile sisters smile emoticon I can still say I was so completely thrilled to have that stage end. I enjoyed my job. I really liked teaching at TCU. (I had really liked doing research before that.) I LOVED working at the temple. We loved the time we spent serving with the young single adults in our church. But when Abby came and I had to give those things up I had no second thoughts about it. (I did finish the few weeks of my semester, but I haven't worked since.) People asked me if being home with Abby was hard and if I missed working. Being home with Abby has not been hard, I love it. I do miss the work I did, but those few weeks when I was still working and I had to be away from Abby for a few hours were not pleasant for me, I would have much rather been with her, even though I liked my job. Abby made my life feel so much more complete, and I have loved it, more so than I would have if things had worked out according to my plan. My life is awesome - so grateful Heavenly Father knows so much better than me smile emoticon! Songs for today: "Come Home" by One Republic (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83WqTeuWEAE) and "Feels Like Home" by Chantal Kreviazuk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-ouxPhYy7Y)
When Abby was in the hospital and for the first week or so that we had her home she slept pretty well. She slept well until she started eating well enough that she had enough energy to not sleep constantly. And then things got harder. She was colicky. She could sometimes be soothed enough by being held that she would stop screaming, but not always. I ended up holding her nearly 100% of the time. If she finally fell asleep and I went to lay her down, as soon as she was an inch or two from my body she would immediately wake up screaming. And she has THE LOUDEST VOICE of any child I have ever heard, and it is very high pitched when she's screaming! (Her voice is so loud that one time when we were at her pediatrician's and he was checking her tummy she screamed out - he looked at me with complete shock, and said "Wow, that was really loud." I said I knew it, and that was not even as loud as she could get. He said "You should keep ear plugs all around your house." I told him we did smile emoticon ). I struggled at first with the fact that since I held her ALL THE TIME I was getting nothing else done. But then I thought about the fact that there would come a time when she wouldn't want me to hold her any more, that I had waited A LONG TIME to have a baby to hold, so I should just enjoy it. And so I did, I stopped worrying about my lack of accomplishment and enjoyed my daughter. I can't say I enjoyed every second of it - she still screamed, she was difficult all night (we tried 4 or 5 different sleeping situations to get her to sleep at night but they weren't terribly effective), and I got tired. But over all I enjoyed her, and eventually we figured out she had dairy issues. Once we changed her diet things improved significantly. (As an aside, this was really hard on me. Not because she had problems with dairy but because I tried for a couple months to induce lactation so I could nurse her. I wanted to so badly. It was physically and emotionally very painful when I was trying, and emotionally painful to admit it wasn't going to work. My amazingly awesome sister had pumped for 9 months before Abby was born and saved all the milk for me - I didn't know about it until we found out about Abby! Anyway, I wanted Abby to get breast milk as much as possible so once my sister's milk ran out I started finding other milk donors. That was hard and time consuming as it was, and we still had to supplement with formula. But when we learned we couldn't do dairy any more and figured out she had problems with both the casein and lactose it didn't leave a lot of options. There are completely non-diary formulas made of soy, but she didn't handle those well. There is a non soy, non-dairy one that's super expensive that she handled well but reading the ingredient list found it was mostly sugar and oil which didn't sound to healthy to me. Or I could find milk donors who ate dairy free. I found as many donors as possible (love those women!!!!!!) and then supplemented with formula. But it was so frustrating to not be able to nurse. I would have given up dairy, sugar, whatever if I could have nursed her. I wanted to so badly. But I couldn't, and that was hard.) But even when she was at her hardest I still loved her, I was still so grateful to have her in my life, I still felt so blessed. I think babies are pretty easy to love though. I have adoption heros who love unconditionally in more difficult situations. Ones who have adopted older children who are suffering so much from their past that they take it out on their parents in horrible and heartbreaking ways. Yet these parents still love them and do all they can to help them heal. And I am humbled and amazed by their unconditional love. My song for today: "Unconditionally " by Katy Perry http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjwZAa2EjKA (Other good ones: "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz, "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes, The Promise" by Tracy Chapmpan, "I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders, "You and Me" by Lifehouse, and "Show You Love" by Jars of Clay.)
All parents have hopes and dreams for their children, including adoptive and birth parents. Largely, our hopes and dreams for Abby are the same as Cheyenne has for her. We all want her to be happy, to be confident, to feel encompassed in love, to love others, to achieve her potential, to be a mother and wife, to have siblings, to enjoy her life, to learn all she can, to overcome her fears and short-coming and insecurities, to serve others, to be generous, to see obstacles as opportunities for growth, etc. Additionally, because of our love for her we all have hopes that we will be the best parents in the world for her, good examples, good teachers, good friends, good providers, good nurturers, etc. We all love her as parents love their children, Abby just gets loved by more parents than the average person smile emoticon. Adoption = more love! My top two songs for today are: "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkMdY8xmy9I) and "I Hope You Dance" by Lee Ann Womack (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV-Z1YwaOiw). (But some other good ones... "Lullaby" by Dixie Chicks, "Naleigh Moon" by Josh Kelley, "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N' Roses, "Baby Mine" from Dumbo, With Armes Wide Open" by Creed, "Enchanted" by Taylor swift, and "God Gave Me You' by Dave Barnes.
Abby is multiracial - 1/16 Japanese, 1/16 Cherokee, 3/8 Caucasian, and 1/2 African American (well, we don't actually have a relationship with her birth dad - his choice - so we don't know much about his back ground, but you get the point). There have been a few people that have told me she looks like me, but mostly I think people wonder when they see us together. It doesn't offend me, I wonder when I see children with adults of a different race. Sometimes I hear comments that just make me kind of smile inside (or outside) - like one time we were at the air port and the ladies at the check-in counter kept telling me how cute she is (a common occurrence.) (Ryan wasn't right with us.) As we were walking away I heard one of them say "She must look like her dad." Not offensive, just amusing to me. Other times it takes me a second to understand what people are talking about. Like this one time I was talking with a girl I had just met. She asked me where my husband was from, so I told her the city he grew up in. And then I realized what she really wanted to know - what is Abby's racial background - what went into making such a beautiful little person? So, I told her what she really wanted to know. The truth is, I don't think about our genetic differences that much. I obviously always know I didn't pass on DNA to Abby, I know we adopted her, but I don't think about it constantly, she's just my daughter. And truthfully, sometimes Ryan and I will catch ourselves wondering if she got a certain thing from us, including physical traits, and then we remember, no - we didn't pass that on. But then, there are some things that do seem like reflections of us. When I smile big my nose wrinkles, it always has. In fact, it used to be a big embarrassment to me. But now, Abby wrinkles her nose when she smiles too. I don't know if she would have regardless, but I haven't noticed it in Cheyenne or her parents (or her birth father's family - yes, I do facebook stock him - don't tell ). And the older she gets the more I see her reflect me back. I love seeing Cheyenne in her, but it does make me happy when I get to see some of myself in her (but, to be honest, there are some things I would rather not see reflected back, so I'm working on that.) The other thing is, the more I just see Abby. Her unique, fantastic, loveable perfection - her own personality, and that's what I love best. I love Abby, all of her. The more we're together the better I know her and can read her. I feel so blessed that I get to be the one who spends the most time with her, that I can understand her best. I just love her and am so grateful I get to be her mom! Song: "When You Say Nothing At All" by Alison Krauss
Even though there is a lot of pain associated with adoption, there's a lot of joy and awesomeness too. And that was true of the day we brought Abby home. Even though my heart was breaking for the pain Cheyenne was experiencing, it was also filled with joy - joy that we were bringing home OUR DAUGHTER, that we were FINALLY PARENTS. I feel confident that all (or nearly all) parents are so excited to bring their new children home. I also feel confident that I was more excited than I would have been if children had come easier. The wait was LONG, it was HARD, but it made the receiving of the desired blessing so much more special.
From the day we received the email telling us about Abby until we brought her home (well, until she was 4 or 5 months old I guess) I did not sleep well. I didn't sleep through the night. I'm kind of like a little kid in that if I am excited about something I have a hard time sleeping. I never sleep in Christmas morning. When I go home to visit my family I can't sleep in. I can't sleep in on vacation. If I'm excited, I'm awake. It would have been great if I could have slept before bringing Abby home (since I didn't sleep much after) but I was just too excited for sleep. I was also too excited to remember to eat. Because of this lack of eating and sleeping I lost a lot of weight and I was visibly tired. But that morning as we were waking up in the hospital (I think I maybe slept an hour, maybe 2, throughout the night) Ryan told me I looked sexy. I was surprised because he had been telling me how worn out I looked. So I asked him about that. He told me I had a "Mommy glow". That's how I felt, that all the joy and excitement I was feeling was so intense that it couldn't stay inside of me, that it had to shine out, I had to glow. (I did try to keep my glow a little dim around Cheyenne - I don't know if that was the right thing to do or not.) We (Ryan, Abby, Cheyenne, her parents, my mom, my sister, our 2 case-workers, and I) all walked out to the car together (well I guess Ryan didn't walk out with us - he went to get the car). That was super emotional - a mix of super sad and super excited and complete gratitude and humility and everything. But then it was just Ryan, Abby, and me in the car. Our little family, and we were on our way home. And it was peaceful and joyful and wonderful. And then we got home Ryan's family was there and we got to introduce them to Abby and it was amazing. (There were no grandkids on Ryan's side of the family. The youngest child in their family is a month older than me. They've been wanting little ones for a LONG TIME. They were excited!) Ryan and I were so SO EXHAUSTED, I couldn't believe how tired I was. I didn't want to do anything but just bask in the joy of having a baby, our baby. And that's what I did. This song just makes me happy when I hear it. One, because I love John McCuthcheon (my dad listened to him lot, still does actually, so I have a soft spot in my heart for him), but more because it is just so happy and tells so well our adoption story and how happy the journey ends: "Happy Adoption Day" by John McCutcheon http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdLN4VoobSs Oh, who would have guessed, who could have seen Who could have possibly known All these roads we have traveled, the places we've been Would have finally taken us home Chorus: So here's to you, three cheers to you Let's shout it, "Hip, hip, hip, hooray!" For, out of a world so tattered and torn, You came to our house on that wonderful morn And all of a sudden this family was born Oh, happy Adoption Day! There are those who think families happen by chance A mystery their whole life through But we had a voice and we had a choice We were working and waiting for you Chorus No matter the name and no matter the age No matter how you came to be No matter the skin, we are all of us kin We are all of us one family Chorus
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