Thanks

Well,

Being the week of Thanksgiving I thought I would do a post about blessings I have received because of not yet having children. Some of the blessings I have received are related to things I have learned and personal growth - but I have also had opportunities I likely would not have had if I had been able to have children as soon as I would have liked. Here are some of these opportunities:

1) Temple Worker - Towards the end of graduate school I was attending the temple and talking with one of the workers there about how long she had been serving in the temple. I learned at that time that women that have children in the house cannot be temple workers since their primary responsibility is to be home with their children. I decided once I graduated that I would like the opportunity to serve in the temple and requested to be a temple worker. Several months later Ryan and I were both asked to serve in the temple. We started a little more than 3 years ago. We love it. We have learned a lot about temple ordinances and covenants, have received answers to prayers and additional guidance, we have been strengthened, we have grown closer together as a couple, and have been blessed in other ways. It has been a great experience, one that I feel will help me to be a better mother when the time comes.

2) Seminary Teacher - My last year of graduate school I was asked to teach early morning seminary (a religion class taught before school for high school students). This may have been one of the most challenging callings of my life. I love teaching, I love teenagers, and I love the gospel, so it should have been a perfect fit for me, and in many ways it was. It was a challenge for me because I had to learn that 6:00 am is not the time when teenagers shine. It is also difficult because teenagers don't express a lot of appreciation or other emotion. Usually when you serve in the church you have other adults that let you know you are doing a good job or that they are grateful for your service - they let you know that what you are doing matters. Not only did I not receive those affirmations, I had a couple students who picked on me. They made me feel like I was back in high school being bullied. It was hard on me. It was also during this time that we were realizing how hard having children would be, so I was already struggling emotionally. Other than serving as a full-time missionary this was by far the most demanding calling I have ever had. It was Old Testament, which I had read all the way through before but it is the the scripture I am least familiar with. I spent 15-20 hours a week studying and preparing lessons, plus 5 hours teaching - so it was a part time job for me (while I was finishing up my last year of graduate school.) So why would I be grateful for such a challenging experience? It is the only time other than my mission when I have become so immersed in the scriptures - I learned a lot and gained a much deeper and greater love for the Old Testament. I learned how to be a better teacher. I learned more about forgiveness, not judging, and love. I am certain I learned more than any of my students. I hope to have the opportunity again some day, and I am grateful I have already done it.

3) Babysitting - Both Ryan and I have had a lot of opportunities to help people out when they need a little extra help with their kids. I have stayed with my sisters' children a few times when she has gone on vacation, we have stayed over night with friends' children when they needed time alone, I have gone early in the morning to stay with another friends' kids while she delivered a baby, I have stayed with other friends' kids while they have attended doctors appointments, the temple, etc. I have had lots of opportunities to take care of kids. These opportunities not only provide me with a unique opportunity to serve (in many of these situations it would have been much more difficult if not impossible for someone with kids of their own to help out) which helps me feel useful and good, but also gives me an opportunity to start building parenting skills before I actually need them. There have been other unique service opportunities as well.

4) Serving in the YSA ward - Ryan was called into the bishopric (leadership) of the young single adult (YSA) ward 2.5 years ago. At that time I was asked to attend the ward with him. If we had children I don't think this would have happened since children are supposed to go to family wards. Although we miss our family ward we have enjoyed our time in the YSA ward and have had great opportunities to learn and to serve.

5) Travel - Ryan and I love to travel. We do so as often as we can. Since the time we started trying to have children we have been to Hawaii, Alaska, Europe, a Panama Canal Cruise, the Pacific Northwest, South Carolina, Illinois, MIchigan, Wisconsin, and Minnesota, and have traveled around Texas and to Las Vegas/Southern Utah several times. We have had a really good time. I know you can travel with children, but it sure is easier without them. These trips have helped us grow closer together, have helped us enjoy the incredible earth our Heavenly Father has provided us, have helped us better appreciate the blessings we have, and have just helped us enjoy ourselves.

6) Post-doctorate - I never wanted to work full-time. I wanted to have children a little before i graduated and then be a full-time mom. Then hasn't worked out. A few months after I graduated I started my post-doctorate which is a period of time fully focused on research. Through doing research not only did I get experience that is somewhat required to work in my field, but I also learned a lot about autism and have an increased compassion for those effected by developmental disabilities, and perhaps most important I made several friends that have taught me and who I hope that I also taught some things.

7) Teaching - This year I have the opportunity to teach at TCU. I did my bachelor's in Biology Teaching and really enjoyed that. I do like teaching, but during my post-doc I only did research. I forgot how much I love teaching. I have really enjoyed teaching at TCU. I enjoy preparing my lessons (I have learned quite a bit as I have), I enjoy my students, I enjoy it (except grading - I don't like that part). I feel like I have been able to help some of my students which helps me feel good. And I am especially lucky to be teaching at a Christian school where I feel free to share gospel teachings, which I do.

8) Financial Security - With both Ryan and I working we have been able to become financially stable. We have gotten out of debt and have been able to save for retirement. I am not saying we are wealthy, but we do not face the financial stress that many other couples our age face.

9) Observe Parenting Styles - One of the things Ryan and I have done over the past 8 years is identify children we feel are well behaved and watch their interactions with their parents. We have watched many different parenting styles and have discussed what things we think work, what things we want to do with our children. I know that things are harder to actually implement, and I am not saying we will be the best parents in the world or that we will never make mistakes. But I do think we have learned things through our observations that will help us be better parents than we would have been if we had been blessed with children several years ago.

10) Time together - So far, we have had 8 1/2 years of just us. We have had time to talk, to date, to travel. We have had time to focus on improving a marriage. We have had a lot of time to grow together and to be consumed with each other. I think we will always cherish this time together. Once you have children you always do - we have this time to focus on just us, which is great. In fact, several months ago that idea came to me that I need to say prayers of thanks for this time in our lives. That we have been given this time as a special gift. That our lives are relatively easy at this time, they will not always be so easy. When the challenges come in the future we will be able to look back at this time and remember this special gift. We are grateful.

Does my gratitude for these opportunities minimize my desire for children? Absolutely not - I want them! I will give up travel today if that means I get children tomorrow? YES! I will gladly and readily accept children in to our lives whenever Heavenly Father feels we are ready for them. I feel ready now, 5 years ago really. But I am grateful for many things that have come in to my life because the blessing of children haven't. My life is a gift that I am incredibly grateful for!

Veteran's Day, Freedom, and Adoption

With today being Veteran's Day I have of course thought about the freedoms I am so grateful for and for those who have fought to provide and preserve them for me. One freedom I am grateful for is the opportunity to have as many children as my Heavenly Fatehr blesses me with. I am also grateful for the freedom that those who face an unplanned pregnancy to choose for that child to be given a life they may not be able to provide - to choose adoption. These freedoms are not provided to everyone. We are so blessed to live in a country where they are.

Here are the lyrics to one of my favoirte patriotic songs: Proud to Be an American

If tomorrow all the things were gone,I’d worked for all my life.
And I had to start again,with just my children and my wife.
I’d thank my lucky stars,to be livin here today.
‘Cause the flag still stands for freedom, and they can’t take that away.

And I’m proud to be an American,where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,God bless the USA.

From the lakes of Minnesota, to the hills of Tennessee.
Across the plains of Texas, From sea to shining sea.
From Detroit down to Houston, and New York to L.A.
Well there's pride in every American heart, and its time we stand and say.

That I’m proud to be an American,where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land, God bless the USA.

And I’m proud to be and American, where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up,next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,God bless the USA.


And just as a side note - today is 11/11/11, which is just super cool! I hope you are enjoying it because you'll never experience another date with only one date in it.

Decisions, decisions...

One of the questions I've been asked many times since embarking on our journey to adoption is about what characteristics of a child we are willing to accept. This was also asked when we were filling out all our adoption paperwork - in much more detail than we had ever considered before. You have to make decisions about the gender, decisions about the age of the child, race/ethnicity, decisions about the health of the child as well as that of the birth parents (physical and mental health), decisions about whether you were willing to accept children if the father/mother is unknown, about if the baby was conceived through incest, and I'm sure there were more that I'm not remembering right now. And like I said, these were detailed - for example, with the health related ones they listed probably 40-50 health problems and we had to decide whether we would accept a child with them, or if either of the birth parents had it. Like I said, we had never considered such detail.

One of my fears is that people will judge us based on how open we are to these different things. I am not sure that is a justified fear, but I have it. I am not sure if other people trying to adopt share this fear. My guess is that many do. At the same time I feel that people that have not faced trying to adopt have not considered all the implications of these decisions and may have a "beggars can't be choosers" kind of attitude. Again, this may be unfounded, but it's how I feel. (I also know that there are adoptive parents that have this feeling about others wanting to adopt that are not willing to adopt any possible child.) So, here are some things that hopeful adoptive parents may consider when making these choices:

Gender

Most couples I have talked to don't care whether they receive a boy or girl, but some may. And for many of the same reasons that people who conceive and bare their own children do.

Age

Some couples may desire an infant because they want the experience of being totally consumed by a newborn that is totally dependent on them - the experience of first time parents that have a brand new baby. They may feel that later they would be open to adopting an older child (and/or a sibling group) but to start with they would like an infant.

Another consideration is that perhaps one or both of them hasn't had a lot of experience with children and while they do want to be parents they know that it will be a huge adjustment. Having an infant allows more of an ease into the parent role than an older child may allow.

Also, older children have a past, which you may never know or understand. This doesn't mean that you wouldn't love the child, but not knowing their past may be difficult when faced with challenging behavior. And some people may feel that they don't have the ability to provide for the needs of an older child that may come emotionally scarred.

Race/Ethnicity

People react to and treat mixed racial families differently. I have heard of adoptive parents with children of other races being labeled as adulterers or promiscuous. People also project their own biases and prejudices on to these families saying that their children will have identity crises, that they will never fit into either the culture of their parents or their own based on their heritage, etc.

People that are opposed to adoption sometimes say especially mean and hurtful things and it is easier to identify a child as adopted if s/he is of a different race than his/her parent. I mentioned before that I have a friend that has been told by complete strangers that her son will grow up hating her, that she will never be his "real" mom, that he will never adjust the way normal children do, that they can tell he is adopted - does that bother her, etc. They may also ask questions which may not be intended as offensive but still may be.

When adopting children we already miss out on the normal child bearing and raising experiences that those who bare their children have. We are keenly aware of what we miss (although we are also aware of what we gain :) ). One of those things is being able to look at your child and decide which features come from you. But their are also other experiences families have when they look alike, both for the children and for the parent. And so some couples may want to receive as many of those kind of experiences as possible by limiting their race selection so their child will be more likely to look like them.

When you adopt a child that child is now not only your child, but part of your family and community. It is important that you feel like your child will be just as loved and accepted by your family/community as all other children. Their are couples who probably would be very open to children of other races themselves but don't feel that all children could be equally accepted by their family.

And some couples may have their own biases, some may even be ashamed of them. But recognizing them is probably a good thing.

Health

I think if people are honest almost everyone hopes their child will be healthy. I have never heard anyone say "I hope my child has cerebral palsy" or autism, or mental retardation, or cancer. People who are adopting also want healthy children.

Some people may not have the financial resources to care for a special needs child. Some may feel that they don't have the emotional strength to.

I am sure there are many more things adoptive parents have considered as they make their decisions. It is a humbling process to do so. And it involves both you and your spouse - you may not feel the same about everything but it is important to not try to pressure your spouse or judge him/her. We need to be honest about what we feel we can handle, what challenges we are willing to accept, and what we are not.

I personally feel quite open to all children regardless of these things. Yes, it would be great to get a newborn that looks just like us with fantastic genetics, but these things aren't a big concern. I would prefer a newborn because I really want the all consuming newborn experience, but if we felt that we should be adopting an older child of course we would! But the point of this post is that there are many reasons couples make the choices they do (including having had dreams or such that make them feel strongly about what characteristics their child will have) and that it is important to be understanding and not judgemental. Okay - that's it.

Peace, Burdens, and Concerns

I am so blessed to have had the Lord carrying my burden for me over the past 5 years. His gift of peace during this trial fills me with gratitude. It would be so much harder to wait patiently if every day was filled with the pain of unfilled dreams. One thing I have worried about though is that my peace is indicative of not wanting children as much as those who wait in pain - or if it will at least be perceived by others that way. How can I be patient and peaceful if I want children just as much as those who grieve daily when unable to have them? Does not holding on to pain mean I care less?

I have discussed this with my Heavenly Father, just wanting to make certain my heart and desires are correct. And when I have questioned He has let me feel my burden - and it is overwhelming. And I don't know how people can make it through this trial without the help of a loving Father and Savior to help them carry the burden. I KNOW that my desire for children is as strong as it has ever been, if not stronger. I also KNOW that I have peace ONLY because Others are carrying the bulk of the burden for me - and I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!

I don't know how to teach others to turn their burden over so they don't have to carry it alone. I don't feel like this happened for me because I am more worthy of such a gift or my Father in Heaven or Savior love me more. I don't know why exactly that I have received this. But here is what I know:

When I first learned of the unlikelihood of us conceiving children I was shattered, a complete wreck. I was depressed and could not stop crying. But almost instantaneously when I told my family of the news and they started praying for me the burden began to lift. I was strengthened. I was still sad, but it wasn't the kind of sad that was all consuming, that occupied every thought, that clouded everything, that made it difficult to breath. The sadness became manageable. But before we told our families, before the sadness lifted I was eating dinner with Ryan and just crying. My heartbreak was hard on him. He was already sad himself, but my utter misery may have been harder. He said to me that he was sad, and he could understand why I was, but he didn't understand why I couldn't get past it, why I had to let it consume me. He talked about President Hinckley (he was the prophet at that time) and how sad he was when his wife died - how lonely he was, but how he was still able to get out there and serve and show love - he didn't let his loss consume him. When he said it I felt bad about myself, like there was a problem with me that I was struggling so much. But once my family prayed and I wasn't so consumed with sadness I was able to start getting past the pain and seeing good again. I was able to stop worrying so much about my agenda/time line and trusting in the Lord's. I think at that point that I was able to trust is when He was able to start really helping.

I think it is true not only of grief or sadness, but anger, and hurt, and other feelings as well - we hang on to them as if they are something we must guard. That if we were to let them go it would mean that whatever illicit those feeling didn't really matter, that it was okay. That if we were to let go of our hurt and forgive, for example, it would mean that the offender hadn't done something wrong, that whatever s/he did was fine. And so instead we hold on to those feelings, recall the incident and stew over it from time to time just to revive the misery. I'm not wanting to make light of being hurt or offended or whatever. There are things that happen that are very painful, and feeling that pain isn't wrong and doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us. But we don't have to hold on to it. We can trust our Heavenly Father and realize that releasing negative feelings is not the same as not caring. We don't have to hurt to care. And neither our Father or Savior want us to hurt. They have provided the perfect way to relieve us of our pain, to help us through it, but we have to let them. I hope that makes sense.

Some other things I have thought about in conjunction with this... Anne of Green Gables. I love Anne, I love her spunk, her zest, her feistiness, and her dramatics. But one time when she is being dramatic (I think because she died her hair green, but it may have been another time) she tells Marilla that she is in the depths of despair and asks her if she has ever been. Marilla tells her no, that to despair means you've turned your back on God. I believe that is true - that when I let that sorrow consume me I was not letting God help me. I was wallowing in my pain and not seeing that I had a loving Heavenly Father that knew my righteous desires - that of course He will bless me with children when the time is right but until then I still have a life to live, and a great life at that.

Which brings me to another thought. I was reading today the talk given by President Uchtdorf given in the last Relief Society General Meeting. He referred to the story of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He talked about how once Willi Wonka placed the golden tickets in the candy bars that was all anyone cared about. They were so consumed with getting a golden ticket (the desire of their heart) that they stopped finding the joy in the candy bar. I think that is a good point. We all have things we want, things we think that once we receive we can finally be happy. But happiness isn't about getting what we want, but wanting what we have. (As a side note we are not very good at predicting our happiness - there have been research studies on this. People think that once they get their golden ticket they will be happier but in actuality they are not. Happiness based on getting something is fleeting.) If we get too focused on receiving our golden ticket we miss out on all the other treats along the way. Ryan and I have spent a lot of time having fun. For example, we love to travel. We know that once we have kids traveling will become more difficult. We love scuba diving, but once we have kids we will either not be able to take them on trips where we would want to dive (which would require finding someone to watch them) or we will have to take turns diving, which won't be as enjoyable. Since we know that it will eventually become more difficult we take advantage of our childless state and travel as much as we can now. People have said to me that they know I would give up traveling to have kids - and I absolutely would, no question. But at the same time, I'm still enjoying it while I can. I don't think when I am on a trip that I wish I had kids instead - I enjoy my trips. I enjoy the relatively carefree lifestyle we currently have knowing that it will not last forever. I have a fantastic life, and I love it. Loving my life doesn't mean I don't long for the day it will change and we won't be able to travel so easily - I do, but I can still enjoy what I have now. I don't need the golden ticket before I can be happy. (You can read President Uchtdorf's whole talk here - it's really good. I also blogged about another great talk about finding joy amidst trials a few years ago - you can read it here.)

I don't know if that is helpful to anyone, I hope so.

Pregnancy/Adoption Announcements

One thing that is different about my experience than most I have read about is the way I react when someone tells me they are pregnant. From what I have heard/read it seems that for many with infertility hearing that other people are expecting a baby is really hard on them. It is not that they are not at all happy for the person/couple. There is some happiness for them but it may be overshadowed by their own intense sadness, longing, emptiness, and loss. This can happen even if a couple already has kids but are still wanting to have another.

Something I hadn't considered and that one of my friends told me when we first embarked on the adventure of adoption is that adoption is not a cure for infertility. Meaning, there are a lot of emotions including a sense of loss that accompanies infertility that are not resolved by finally receiving a child. For example, this blog post is from a mom with one adopted daughter and they are now trying to adopt a second. In it she talks about her reaction not to the announcement of pregnancy, but how she reacted when her brother called to tell her about their ultrasound. It was the reminder that she will never have that experience, or any of the others involved with pregnancy, a reminder of a loss, and emptiness, a longing. Adoption is fantastic and wonderful and beautiful, but it is different than bearing a child yourself; some of those differences are fantastic, and some leave you wanting.

But I have gotten a bit side-tracked. My point is that for a lot of people with infertility receiving news of another's pregnancy can be very difficult, and I understand why. When someone tells me that they are pregnant it is not particularly difficult. That is not to say that I don't experience anything other than complete joy for them. I am extremely happy for anyone that tells me they are pregnant (maybe even more happy for some of them than they are for themselves). But I do have a feeling of "I want that". It's not jealousy exactly, just a desire to receive the same thing. I don't feel that I deserve it more or anything, just an "I want that". I don't know how to explain it any better than that. But this "I want that" feeling isn't unique to someone sharing their exciting news - I have the same feeling when I see people holding babies, or I hold a baby, or see kids playing, or when there is a holiday that I want to share with my kids, or just thinking about staying home with my kids, or even just seeing a picture of a cute kid - "I WANT THAT". And that feeling of wanting is okay with me, it lets me know that I am still normal. Additionally I feel confident that one day we will conceive and bear children, and so I feel I will have those experiences so I don't mourn the loss of them (at least I haven't yet.)

For some reason hearing that a couple has been selected by birth parents effects me a little differently. At least it does if it is someone that has been waiting less time than us. I hope this won't come out wrong. I have a friend at church who adopted a little boy two years ago. It happened super fast for them. So fast that they never even had to create an adoption profile. Within a week of deciding they were going to adopt and telling people a birth mom (the daughter of my friend's coworker) had picked them. Since their son will be 2 next month they started the adoption process again 6 months ago. So a year and a half after we started. When she told another of our friends that they were trying to adopt again this other friend said she hoped I got a baby first. That isn't really how I feel, anymore than I feel that I hope I get a baby before my sisters have any more (by the way, I have had 7 nephews born since we started trying to have a baby, and at the time we started trying none of my sisters were pregnant or even wanting to be). I do hope I have a baby before I have more nieces or nephews born, but that is not because I want my sisters to have to wait longer or that I feel I am in competition with them (or anyone else). It is because the only ones that still want to have more kids recently did and I hope I don't have to wait longer than the time until they will be having more. So my feeling about others who are adopting isn't that I hope I receive my baby first. But this friend was recently chosen by a birthmother who is due in December. I am thrilled for them. I know my friend has worried about not being able to provide a sibling for her son and now she doesn't have to worry any more. Plus, they just want a baby, which I understand. But I have had one negative feeling, a feeling of "What is wrong with me? How are they chosen by birth parents so quickly while we have not even been contacted by a single birth parent in 2 years?" Intellectually I know that this is not a competition and that the birth parents of our children will pick us when they are looking and that really I don't want to be contacted and then not picked, but I am a girl and have insecurities and so I have had this feeling. But it has past and I am fine now. It didn't last too long anyway, which I am grateful for.

So that's it, the way I feel about other people telling me they will be having another baby - a little longing/emptiness, and little insecurity, but mostly joy and excitement for them (and for me if it is my sister because that means I get another niece or nephew!)

PS - My friend that was just chosen to adopt again has a vlog (video log) on youtube about her adoption journey and all things adoption. She has a ton of followers and her videos have even been shown in health classes in England. She is quite awesome. Check out her channel if you are interested.

Adoption Awareness Month

November is Adoption Awareness Month. I am not really part of the adoption community yet since we have not adopted, have not placed for adoption, and am not adopted. Still, since we've been trying to adopt for quite some time now and have experienced similar trials as adoptive couples and I have read so many people's adoption experiences I feel like I'm part of it.

One thing I have learned since embarking on this journey is that there are a lot of people incredibly opposed to adoption. And, adoption is dying out. I wanted to volunteer at a local pregnancy aid center (hopefully this will still work out) and in talking with them they said that almost all of the girls that come to the center choose to either have an abortion or parent. I am not sure why so few choose adoption but I think it may be because of all the negativity surrounding adoption as of late. People have said really awful, hurtful things to my friends that have adopted - I don't really remember all of them but things like "You'll never be his real mom" or "He'll hate you when he grows up". Girls that have placed have also received a lot of negativity - people saying that "If you really loved your child you could never give it up." Some of the negativity comes from people that were adopted and feel it would have been better if they hadn't been. Some comes from birth parents who feel that there are un-met promises from the adoptive parents. Also, there is also opposition from the parents of birth parents - they want to be part of their grandchild's life and feel that their child isn't living up to his/her responsibility when choosing adoption. But a lot of it is just ignorant people. That is why it is important to be an adoption advocate.

I'm grateful for all the birth parents who blog and let people know why they chose adoption and all the good, and bad, that comes with it. I'm also grateful for the adoptive families that share their stories. One blog that I go to if I want to read these experiences is www.ldsadoptioncouples.blogspot.com. There are lots of links to various blogs on it. I haven't read as many experiences of adoptees, but they are out there as well. I have known many people that are adopted, and so far I haven't talked to any that wish they were not.

In thinking about adoption the thing about it that stands out the most to me is that it is truly about love. The complete, selfless love of those who choose a plan for their child to allow them to have a life they can not currently provide. The complete, engulfing love of parents who finally receive the wish of their heart because of the selfless love of another. And the shared love between the birth and adoptive parents. There is a lot of love in adoption.

Although I am so grateful for those who choose to place and am deeply in awe of their selflessness I also do not feel that those who choose to parent love their children less (or more). When faced with an unplanned pregnancy their is no easy option. All will be hard and painful. Having read many birth parent blogs I know that for the majority of them following placement their is a long grieving process, similar to that following the death of someone very close. But also of the blogs I have read the majority of them are very glad they chose placement and are super grateful for the parents of their child.

I also know many people that have chosen to parent, for various reasons. And there is a lot of love in this decision as well. For many choosing to parent means giving up their own dreams, plans, goals, etc. It means growing up fast. There is a lot of pain and difficulty in this choice too. But again, of those who have chosen to parent I don't know any that wish they had not.

I don't know anyone (at least I don't know that I do) that has chosen abortion. Well, that is not true. When I met with the people at the pregnancy crisis center the lady I talked with had had an abortion. What I learned at the center is that although people think when they are choosing abortion that they are choosing the easy, least painful route, that is not the case. I can't remember what they call it, something like post-abortion syndrome, but their is a significant grieving process at some point post-abortion. A period of intense guilt and longing. The sad thing about this is there is no joy that accompanies it. I ache for those who choose this. I know many people that are struggling with infertility are filled with rage at those who choose abortion - how can they kill their child when so many people would gladly receive it? Although I am completely opposed to abortion it does not fill me with anger, it fills me with sadness. Sad that a life is lost, but also sadness for those who make that choice. Having talked to birth parents I know that many contemplate abortion - even those who believe it is wrong. When they find they are pregnant their are a lot of emotions, and a lot of fear. And abortion seems so easy - it's not.

When we were first getting approved to adopt we had to fill our A LOT of paperwork, answer so many questions we had never considered before. One of the questions was how we felt about birth parents. We wrote about our gratitude and our awe - which is what we feel. But about a year or so later I was talking to a friend who is also trying to adopt about all the questions. He said that he answered that question as "I don't have anything against them." I was surprised. He said that these were girls that had done something wrong (had extra-marital sex). Okay, I can't remember exactly what he said but something to the effect of they did something wrong and are just doing what they have to do now. I disagree with this for several reasons. First, they don't have to choose adoption. Adoption is completely unselfish and filled with love. Regardless of what brought them to needing to make this decision they are now acting with such charity how can you not be filled with love and compassion for them? Second, not all birth parents are teenagers, and not all are unmarried, and not all are childless. There are many older birth parents that could very easily provide for the needs of their child, but for whatever reason feel that an adoptive couple can provide better. There are married couples that choose to place because they are not able to meet the needs of a baby - whether because their marriage is rocky or for financial reasons. And there are people that already have children but feel that they can't provide for more. But whatever the circumstances, whatever the reason, it is always their love for their child that motivates them to choose adoption.

Well, anyway, this is kind of a rambling post, just what I have been thinking about in relation to this month focused on adoption. Probably nothing new to any of you, but that's alright.

Holidays

Since today is Halloween AND Nevada Day (Happy Nevada Day everyone) I thought I would write about holidays. I LOVE them. All of them. I love reasons to celebrate. I love reasons to spend time with family. I love reasons to eat good food. And for several holidays, I love the reason for the holiday (Halloween not so much, but I still love Halloween). But despite loving holidays they are some of the times that not having children is hardest.

For most holidays not having kids is hard because many holiday traditions are geared toward children and I want to be able to have the kids to do them with. I want to go trick-or-treating, dang it. I want to dress my kids up. I want Halloween parties. I want to make Halloween decorations and carve pumpkins. Yes, Ryan and I can do some of these things, but we want to do them with our kids. I want to set up Santa stuff and I want to watch my kids excitedly see their gifts. In Ryan's family I am the youngest, so there are no kids when we have Christmas with them. We still enjoy Christmas, but it is just different. My family has a ton of kids (I have 6 nieces and 20 nephews). This helps me. I like watching my nieces and nephews be excited. Last year was a little hard for me though. Most of my family lives in Las Vegas so they have their own homes, but all my previous Christmases with my family my two younger sisters have always been at my parent's house with me. Last year it was just Ryan and me at my parent's house. My sister Jenny didn't get to Las Vegas until Christmas afternoon and Maggi decided to stay at her house with her husband and son. Not only did this make Christmas Eve a little less exciting, but I also didn't get to just wake-up and be there when kids first saw their things. I understand that all my sisters need to do what's best for their families, but sometimes, especially at holidays, I feel a little left out. Still, usually having my nieces and nephews around helps.

The one holiday that is not made easier by having kids around is Mother's Day. Kids don't make it harder for me, and in truth I think it is not as hard on me as many people wanting and unable to be pregnant. But it is a day when my emotions are a little closer to the surface. I WANT to be a mom, but I'm not, and so it can be hard. I may cry a little bit, but then it passes and I am fine, and I can go on to celebrating my mom and mother-in-law and all the other fantastic women in my life, and feel blessed.

So, the point is that I still LOVE holidays and am so happy we have them, but they can bring with them a little sadness and a lot of longing, and that is okay.

Church

Well, since today is Sunday and I went to church I figured I would write today about church attendance. For a lot of women facing infertility attending church is difficult. I have mostly read experiences of other members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but that book I read was written by a member of a different Christian church and her experience was similar to the others I have read, so I don't think it is unique to members of my same faith.

One of the main reasons church attendance can be difficult in such circumstances is because of all the families, all the emphasis on families - it makes it so painfully clear that you haven't completed your family, or even gotten very far along that path. You see what you want so badly and can't have. There is some jealousy, but mostly just pain. And discouragement. And doubt. Wondering why if families are such a part of Heavenly Father's plan, why if He loves you just as much as His other children, why if having children is the desire of your heart and it is a righteous desire, you are not receiving them. It is also easy to feel left out and like you don't belong because you don't have kids. Another challenge to going to church under such circumstances is that people ask questions or make comments that although are said innocently can be quite hurtful. These questions also make you feel judged and inferior.

I understand all these challenges - I have felt all of them at least some. But I have never felt like I didn't want to go to church because of this challenge. I always enjoy going to church - I like the way I feel when I am there. Soon after we first started trying to have children I served in the primary presidency (the leadership of our children's organization - for children 3-12 years old). At that time I didn't know how hard it was going to be for us to get our kids here. I enjoyed the primary - the kids were cute, I liked the women I served with, I liked singing the songs, I liked all of it. Around 8 or 9 months later I was asked to teach early morning seminary (teach the high school students of our congregation Old Testament every morning before school). When this happened I worried that it meant that I would have to wait a year before our kids would come - I was disappointed about that. Teaching seminary was difficult for me for various reasons, but I loved it for other reasons and hope to do it again. Even so, when the school year was over I was asked to teach nursery (the 18-30 month year old kiddos). I know this would be hard and a little hurtful to a lot of people who really want children to be asked to teach the youngest of kids. I loved it - I loved that the kids were excited to see me, they would hug me and want to sit on my lap. I got to teach with another woman who is so fantastic with kids and I got to learn a lot from her. Sometimes Ryan would come help us with the kids and it was fun to watch how excited they'd get to play with him, and to see how imaginative he was. A year after doing that Ryan was asked to serve in the bishopric of the young adult (18-31 year olds) singles ward. We've been doing that for 2.5 years now.

I'm not entirely sure why going to church isn't hard on me like it is for many infertile women. I know it partly has to do with that peace that I have been blessed with - with being able to trust in Heavenly Father's plan. I guess it also has to do with my faith that we will have children someday. I don't know how much longer we will have to wait, but I do not doubt that one day kids will come. So talks on families, or emphasis on the importance of them or motherhood etc., for me are kind of like promises. One day I will get that too. I think another part of it is in what you are going to church for. The main reason I go to church is to renew my covenants. But I also always pray that I will recognize the needs of those around me and know how to help. I think if I can keep my focus away from myself then it is not as hard to not get sad about things.

But even though church is not hard for me I again acknowledge that this is mainly because of a huge blessing I have received to have peace at this time. I do hope that everyone can receive this same peace. But not all have, not yet, and it doesn't make them less, and it doesn't invalidate that this challenge is hard. And being faced with everything you want and can't have can be very hard. I ache for those who struggle.

My Story

We've now been trying to have children for 5 years. That's not when I started wanting kids. I've always wanted to be a mom. I had some things I wanted to finish before I became one. And I have done those things. It took us a while to both feel ready and right about starting to grow our family. But 5 years ago we were both ready and it felt like it was the right time.

Three and a half years ago (after a lot of doctor's appointments, testing, medications) we were told there was very little chance we would have children without serious interventions. We did more testing and did everything we could short of the serious intervention (in vitro). We prayed a lot to know what to do to grow our family.

Two and a half years ago we got the answer that we should pursue adoption. Two years ago we finished all our paperwork, background checks, etc. and were approved for adoption. Two years ago we got our profile out there. Two years ago we started telling everyone we knew that we were planning to adopt. Two years ago we started waiting. And we are still waiting. We have not yet been contacted by a single potential birth parent.

There are a lot of emotions and such that go along with infertility and becoming part of the adoption world. It is interesting how once you face a challenge such as this you become part of a new community. We first became part of the infertility community which introduced us to new people, new stories. Now we are also part of the adoption community (or rather, the hoping to adopt community) which has brought more new people, new stories. I read people's blogs about infertility and adoption (from both the adoptive and hopeful parent's perspective as well as the birth parent's perspective.) I read books about them too.

I've been part of a book club for 4.5 years now. A few months ago we read a book by a local woman who has adopted two children from Russia - it was all about her experience, first with infertility, then adoption. We had more people at that book club than any other one ever I think. We had 3 ladies there that have adopted, and others that have struggled with infertility. I didn't talk much at this book club (I don't usually talk that much), I listened. People have asked me what I thought of the book, and what I thought of that book club meeting. (By the way, the book is called Hope Deferred, in case you were wondering.) I liked the book fine. I didn't disagree with anything in it. I think it is especially good for people that have not faced infertility to read so they can understand what the challenge may be like - what they may say that could be hurtful, what could be helpful, and how they can be understanding. For that I liked it. But as I was reading it I felt like I understood why she felt as she did - that her story, her experiences and emotions, was fairly typical, similar to the other stories I have read on various blogs. And I understand why they would feel the way they do. But also as I read all these stories I feel that they are not mine, that my experience is different. So reading it didn't validate my experience, which is what I think most people that are facing such a challenge would hope to gain from reading other's stories. The conversation at book club was also not validating for me, which was another reminder to me that my story, my experience, is different. I am glad mine is different. It is my gift from a loving Heavenly Father and Savior. Lately I've been feeling like sharing my story, I don't know why, but I have. Maybe to help me feel validated somehow - just get it out there. Anyway, since this is my blog I will share my experiences, just a little at a time, as I think about the different parts. My story is not entirely unique. Although I feel different in many ways, I probably share more experiences than differences with others facing similar challenges. I plan to share the things that are hard and the things that are not hard for me. Those things that bring tears and pain and frustration and trials of my patience, and the things that make me smile and feel peaceful and grateful. Those things I wish I could do without and the things that make me feel blessed. If you have any questions that you would like me to address feel free to ask. Otherwise I will just post as things come up in my mind and heart.

To start - you can read about the reason my experience is different here. Well, at least it is what has helped me to change my perspective so a lot of things are easier on me than most people struggling with unfulfilled wishes.

ReMarkable Sister

I've posted about my sisters before - I have 6 of them. Having six sisters (I don't know anyone else who has so many), having MY fantastic six sisters, is one of the things that makes me the luckiest person in the world (along with having the best husband, best parents, best friends, etc - I know, lucky right?). Although my sisters are all very different I am amazed by each of them because they are ALL, well, AMAZING! But this post is mostly about the one closest to me in age - Emily, she is 2 years, 6 months, and 8 days older than me.

Emily is super smart, funny, fun, caring, and CREATIVE!!!!!!!!! Her degree is in interior architecture and design, so as you can imagine, her home is always super cute. But not only does she have cute decorating ideas, she is good at pretty much everything domestic. She is a great cook. Throws parties like you wouldn't believe (she did my bridal shower and I loved it - a country picnic that was so cute!) She creates incredible gifts for people. Anything domestic thing you could think of she can do, and do great. Maybe one day when I grow up I can become more like her. For now I am just grateful to have her as my sister.

But because she is so creative I told her several months ago that she should start a blog of all her ideas so she can help other people to try to become more like the domestic diva she already is. And a week or two ago (or maybe more) she did. It's called ReMarkable Home, you should check it out HERE. And now is an ideal time do so because she is doing a give away of one of her cute ideas. I'm glad that she is doing this blog so that I can become a little more domestic. I hope you will find it helpful too. I know there are tons of blogs out there with craft ideas, and recipes, and decorating tips, etc. So what makes Emily's blog unique. I would have to say it is her party ideas. At least I haven't seen other blogs with party ideas. Really, she could be a professional party planner. And she shares each aspect of the party, including theme, decorations, invitations, food, etc. I love her parties!

Maybe if you are lucky you will one day get to meet her, she is super awesome. Lucky me that I'm related - we share the same blood (kind of) so I have hope that one day I can harness those domestic skills as well (plus all her other great qualities, like being such a super sister).

Temples and the Plan of Salvation

I was asked to speak in church this past Sunday on the role of the temples in the plan of salvation (also called the plan of happiness, plan of redemption, plan of mercy, and our Heavenly Father's plan). Usually when I speak or teach at church I just do outlines to remind myself of what I want to say so sharing the talks or lessons wouldn't benefit anyone because the outlines are too vague. But for this talk I used a lot of quotes and so decided to type it all out, so I decided I would go ahead and share it. Here it is:

Those of us who attended Primary as children sang “I love to see the temple. I’m going there someday To feel the Holy Spirit, To listen and to pray. For the temple is a house of God, A place of love and beauty. I’ll prepare myself while I am young; This is my sacred duty.

I love to see the temple. I’ll go inside someday. I’ll cov’nant with my Father;
I’ll promise to obey. For the temple is a holy place Where we are sealed together. As a child of God, I’ve learned this truth: A fam’ly is forever.

Later in our youth we pledged that we would “Make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation.”

And that pledge that we made in our youth is the recipe for joy in this life and in the life to come, the way for us to receive all that the Father has – we make and keep sacred covenants, we attend the temple and receive more ordinances and make more covenants, and as we keep all the covenants, we are promised that we will enjoy the blessings of exaltation.

In the “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” we read that “Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.” That is the goal for each of us – to return to our Father's presence and live with Him and our eternal families. And we can obtain that goal by making and keeping sacred ordinances and covenants available in the temple.

Joseph Smith taught that the divine purpose of gathering the people of God is to build temples so His children can receive the highest ordinances and thereby gain eternal life. So the purpose of all that we do in the church is to prepare people for the temple so that families can be sealed for eternity and we can receive eternal life. We are taught from our infancy in the church that we need to get to the temple, and how to do it.

As I speak today I hope to address why the temple is so important, what we can do to be there, once there what we can do to make temple worship meaningful in our lives, and what blessings we are promised in association with the temple. In the April 2009 general conference there were 4 fantastic talks on temples and their importance in our lives. Most of what I will share today comes from those talks.

Why the Temple is So Important

When Elder Bednar was called as a stake president he was talking to a friend of his who had been recently released as a stake president what counsel he would have. His friend soon after his release was called a s a temple worker. He told Elder Bednar:

“I wish I had been a temple worker before I was a stake president. If I had served in the temple before my call to serve as a stake president, I would have been a very different stake president....I believe I was a good stake president. The programs in our stake ran well, and our statistics were above average. But serving in the temple has expanded my vision. If I were called today to serve as a stake president, my primary focus would be on worthiness to receive and honor temple covenants. I would strive to make temple preparation the center of all that we did. I would do a better job of shepherding the Saints to the house of the Lord.”

So why would that be his focus, why is the temple so important? Elder Stevenson recounted a story of a time his dad took his two young sons on a drive. He his grandsons down small Logan roads and to to a place they had never been before, and then stopping the truck asked them if they thought they were lost. After a moment, on of the boys responded “Look”, and with his finger pointed he said, “Grandpa, you are never lost when you can see the temple.” And that is it, when the temple is our focus we are not lost, we recognize our goal and how to achieve it. Elder Stevenson said: "The temple will provide direction for you and your family in a world filled with chaos. It is an eternal guidepost which will help you from getting lost in the “mist of darkness”."

I would bet that all of us at one point or another, or maybe even currently, feel that life is pretty hard. We face trials – that is part of life. But what determines whether trials feel to be more of a curse or a blessing is determined by how we react to them. Elder Christofferson told of a couple in Peru who he talked to after a massive earthquake. Immediately following the earthquake, this couple, the Condes, set about helping people. Elder Nash of the Seventy met the Condes four days after the earthquake. He said that they were smiling as they set about helping those around them. As he asked what the state of their house and other possessions were they said that the house was gone and all their possessions were buried in the house – they had nothing left. He asked them how they were able to smile at such a time and the wife replied “I have prayed and I am at peace. We have all we need. We have each other, we have our children, we are sealed in the temple, we have this marvelous Church, and we have the Lord. We can build again with the Lord’s help.”

He went on to explain that the church needs members like the Condes, those who “can persevere against hardship, who can sustain hope through tragedy, who can lift others by their example and their compassion, and who can consistently overcome temptations. We need strong Christians who can make important things happen by their faith and who can defend the truth of Jesus Christ against moral relativism and militant atheism.” And not only does the church, and God, need these strong members, but we need this strength. And so he explained how we can become that strong, how we can obtain the spiritual power we need to be able to meet all situations with smiles on our faces.

What is the source of such moral and spiritual power, and how do we obtain it? The source is God. Our access to that power is through our covenants with Him. … What is it about making and keeping covenants with God that gives us the power to smile through hardships, to convert tribulation into triumph, to “be anxiously engaged in a good cause, … and bring to pass much righteousness” (D&C 58:27)?

He then discusses three ways that our covenants strengthen us:

First, as we walk in obedience to the principles and commandments of the gospel of Jesus Christ, we enjoy a continual flow of blessings promised by God in His covenant with us. Those blessings provide the resources we need to act rather than simply be acted upon as we go through life.

A second way in which our covenants supply strength—they produce the faith necessary to persevere and to do all things that are expedient in the Lord. Our willingness to take upon us the name of Christ and keep His commandments requires a degree of faith, but as we honor our covenants, that faith expands.

A final aspect of strength through covenants that I will mention is the bestowal of divine power. Our covenant commitment to Him permits our Heavenly Father to let His divine influence, “the power of godliness” (D&C 84:20), flow into our lives. He can do that because by our participation in priesthood ordinances we exercise our agency and elect to receive it. Our participation in those ordinances also demonstrates that we are prepared to accept the additional responsibility that comes with added light and spiritual power.

In all the ordinances, especially those of the temple, we are endowed with power from on high. This “power of godliness” comes in the person and by the influence of the Holy Ghost. The gift of the Holy Ghost is part of the new and everlasting covenant. It is an essential part of our baptism, the baptism of the Spirit. It is the messenger of grace by which the blood of Christ is applied to take away our sins and sanctify us (see 2 Nephi 31:17). It is the gift by which Adam was “quickened in the inner man” (Moses 6:65). It was by the Holy Ghost that the ancient Apostles endured all that they endured and by their priesthood keys carried the gospel to the known world of their day.

When we have entered into divine covenants, the Holy Ghost is our comforter, our guide, and our companion.

When we talk about going to the temple to receive our endowment we tend to focus on the ordinance of the endowment, which is super important. Through the endowment we are given the gift of all the knowledge we will need to return to our Heavenly Father's presence. But before the endowment there are other super important ordinances that we receive, the initiatory ordinances. These ordinances or washing, annointing, and being clothed in the garments of the priesthood have been given since the beginning and we can read about them in the Old Testament. In these we are given blessings, blessings for our bodies and spirits, that will help us in this life, and in the next, and one of the most important of these blessings is that if we are faithful to our covenants we will be protected from the power of Satan. We are given power to withstand the other powers in the world that would lead us to misery. That is HUGE!

Elder Scott recounted his experiences with not only the eath of his wife, but also of his daughter, and his son. Those would be pretty significant trials. He said that these trials have not been a problem.

When we live righteously and have received the ordinances of the temple, everything else is in the hands of the Lord. We can do the best we can, but the final outcome is up to Him. We should never complain, when we are living worthily, about what happens in our lives.

Fourteen years ago the Lord decided it was not necessary for my wife to live any longer on the earth, and He took her to the other side of the veil. I confess that there are times when it is difficult not to be able to turn and talk to her, but I do not complain. The Lord has allowed me, at important moments in my life, to feel her influence through the veil.

What I am trying to teach is that when we keep the temple covenants we have made and when we live righteously in order to maintain the blessings promised by those ordinances, then come what may, we have no reason to worry or to feel despondent.

I am confident that we all want and need that kind of strength and power in our lives. So what can we do to get to the temple so we can receive it?

What We Can Do to Be There

Well, the first thing that needs to be done is exercising the first principles and ordinances of the gospel – Faith in Jesus Christ, Repentance, Baptism by immersion by one having authority, and then receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost.

Elder Chrstofferson said:

Our foundational covenant, for example, the one in which we first pledge our willingness to take upon us the name of Christ, is confirmed by the ordinance of baptism. It is done individually, by name. By this ordinance, we become part of the covenant people of the Lord and heirs of the celestial kingdom of God.

Elder Maxwell taught: “Clearly, when we baptize, our eyes should gaze beyond the baptismal font to the holy temple.”

Elder Oaks explained that in renewing our baptismal covenants by partaking of the emblems of the sacrament, “we do not witness that we take upon us the name of Jesus Christ. [Rather], we witness that we are willing to do so. (See D&C 20:77.) The fact that we only witness to our willingness suggests that something else must happen before we actually take that sacred name upon us in the [ultimate and] most important sense” (“Taking upon Us the Name of Jesus Christ,” Ensign, May 1985, 81).

Elder Bednar points out then that “the baptismal covenant clearly contemplates a future event or events and looks forward to the temple.” So we begin the process through faith, repentance, baptism,and receiving the Holy Ghost, but we know that there is more. As we partake of the sacrament to renew our covenants we recognize that we need to focus on the temple.

Elder Stevenson said:

In the Book of Mormon, King Benjamin directed the Saints of his time and place to gather, “every man having his tent with the door thereof towards the temple.” As Church members, we have recently received counsel from modern-day prophets which, if followed, will turn the doors of our homes more fully towards the temple.

He went on:

We are blessed to live in a temple-building dispensation in which 146 temples have been dedicated or announced. Under the definition of “Temple” in the Bible Dictionary, we read the following: “It is the most holy of any place of worship on the earth,” followed by this insightful statement: “Only the home can compare with the temple in sacredness.” For me this suggests a sacred relationship between the temple and the home. Not only can we turn the doors of our homes to the temple, or the house of the Lord; we can make our homes a “house of the Lord.”

Recently, in a stake conference, all present were invited by the visiting authority, Elder Glen Jenson, an Area Seventy, to take a virtual tour of their homes using their spiritual eyes. I would like to invite each of you to do this also. Wherever your home may be and whatever its configuration, the application of eternal gospel principles within its walls is universal. Let’s begin. Imagine that you are opening your front door and walking inside your home. What do you see, and how do you feel? Is it a place of love, peace, and refuge from the world, as is the temple? Is it clean and orderly? As you walk through the rooms of your home, do you see uplifting images which include appropriate pictures of the temple and the Savior? Is your bedroom or sleeping area a place for personal prayer? Is your gathering area or kitchen a place where food is prepared and enjoyed together, allowing uplifting conversation and family time? Are scriptures found in a room where the family can study, pray, and learn together? Can you find your personal gospel study space? Does the music you hear or the entertainment you see, online or otherwise, offend the Spirit? Is the conversation uplifting and without contention? That concludes our tour. Perhaps you, as I, found a few spots that need some “home improvement”—hopefully not an “extreme home makeover.”

Whether our living space is large or small, humble or extravagant, there is a place for each of these gospel priorities in each of our homes.

In order to keep the temple and those who attend it sacred and worthy, the Lord has established standards through His servants, the prophets. We may be well-advised to consider together, in family council, standards for our homes to keep them sacred and to allow them to be a “house of the Lord.” The admonition to “establish … a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God” (D&C 109:8) provides divine insight into the type of home the Lord would have us build. Doing such begins the construction of a “spiritual mansion” in which we all may reside regardless of our worldly circumstance—a home filled with treasure that “neither moth nor rust doth corrupt.”

So we can prepare ourselves for the temple by making our homes sacred sanctuaries from the world, places dedicated to the Lord.

In 2003 the First Presidency sent out a later that encouraged “newer members and youth of the Church who are 12 years of age and older to live worthy to assist in this great work by serving as proxies for baptisms and confirmations.” In this ward we are blessed to have scheduled trips to the temple once a month where we can all participate in the saving ordinances of the temple – we can help our fellow brothers and sisters to qualify for celestial glory. But you can go more than once a month - go every week! If you do not currently have a temple recommend I encourage you to do what you need to do to get one. And this is something even our newest members can do, there is no waiting time to be able to perform baptisms and receive the Holy Ghost for those who did not have this privilege. Being in the temple is a great way to prepare for the opportunity to receive all the ordinances there.

So we get to the temple through faith, repentance, baptism, receiving the Holy Ghost, living faithfully to those covenants, and when we fail (which is constantly) we repent and renew our covenants through partaking of the sacrament, and then setting the temple as our goal and being there as much as possible.

Once There What Can We Do to Make Temples Meaningful in Our Lives?

So, we have gotten to the temple. What do we need to do to fully receive the promised power? In that letter from the First Presidency they invited “adult members to have a current temple recommend and visit the temple more often”, “to replace some leisure activities with temple service.” So we remember that the temple is still our goal.

In his talk, Elder Scott told of several things we can do to make our temple worship more meaningful. He said:

I encourage you to establish your own goal of how frequently you will avail yourself of the ordinances offered in our operating temples. What is there that is more important than attending and participating in the ordinances of the temple? What activity could have a greater impact and provide more joy and profound happiness for a couple than worshipping together in the temple?

• Understand the doctrine related to temple ordinances, especially the significance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
• While participating in temple ordinances, consider your relationship to Jesus Christ and His relationship to our Heavenly Father. This simple act will lead to greater understanding of the supernal nature of the temple ordinances.
• Always prayerfully express gratitude for the incomparable blessings that flow from temple ordinances. Live each day so as to give evidence to Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son of how very much those blessings mean to you.
• Schedule regular visits to the temple.
• Leave sufficient time to be unhurried within the temple walls.
• Rotate activities so that you can participate in all of the ordinances of the temple.
• Remove your watch when you enter a house of the Lord.
• Listen carefully to the presentation of each element of the ordinance with an open mind and heart.
• Be mindful of the individual for whom you are performing the vicarious ordinance. At times pray that he or she will recognize the vital importance of the ordinances and be worthy or prepare to be worthy to benefit from them.
• Recognize that much of the majesty of the sealing ordinance cannot be understood and remembered with one live experience. Substantial subsequent vicarious work permits one to understand much more of what is communicated in the live ordinances.
• Realize that a sealing ordinance is not enduring until after it is sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise. Both individuals must be worthy and want the sealing to be eternal.
• Identify your ancestors, qualify them, and come to the house of the Lord to perform the ordinances they are longing to receive.

Helping in the work of our ancestors is actually something all of us can and should be doing. We can all search them out and prepare them to be able to receive the ordinances. We recently had a whole committee called to help us with this, so if you do not know how to do family history on your own I am sure any of them, Stacy, Kayla, or Sarah, would be happy to assist you.

When Elder Bednar was president of BYU Idaho he often had the opportunity to host many emeritus General Authorities at his house, many who had later become temple presidents. He had a common question he would ask all of them. “What have you learned as a temple president that you wish you had better understood when you were a General Authority?” He said their responses were pretty much all the same, and he summarized it as:

“I have come to understand better the protection available through our temple covenants and what it means to make an acceptable offering of temple worship. There is a difference between church-attending, tithe-paying members who occasionally rush into the temple to go through a session and those members who faithfully and consistently worship in the temple.”

Going to the temple is not meant to be something that we check off of our list of things to do, and if we go in that spirit, then what we will receive is far less than the blessings and promised power and protection that we could receive if we were to attend in a spirit of worship, and did so consistently.

Promised Blessings

So what are some of those promised blessings? Well, they are many. For one thing, during the endowment we are taught from on high about the plan of salvation. Last week as I was teaching temple preparation we listed some of the blessings promised in the dedicatory prayer of the Kirtland Temple, which can be found in D&C 109. It was great exercise because in doing so we realized that every blessing we could possibly hope for is promised. For brevity I will read just versus 24-28:

“We ask thee, Holy Father, to establish the people that shall worship, and honorably hold a name and standing in this thy house, to all generations and for eternity;

“That no weapon formed against them shall prosper; that he who diggeth a pit for them shall fall into the same himself;

“That no combination of wickedness shall have power to rise up and prevail over thy people upon whom thy name shall be put in this house;

“And if any people shall rise against this people, that thine anger be kindled against them;

“And if they shall smite this people thou wilt smite them; thou wilt fight for thy people as thou didst in the day of battle, that they may be delivered from the hands of all their enemies”.

Elder Bednar also read these versus and then said:

Please consider these verses in light of the current raging of the adversary and what we have discussed about our willingness to take upon us the name of Jesus Christ and the blessing of protection promised to those who honorably hold a name and standing in the holy temple. Significantly, these covenant blessings are to all generations and for all eternity. I invite you to study repeatedly and ponder prayerfully the implications of these scriptures in your life and for your family.

We should not be surprised by Satan’s efforts to thwart or discredit temple worship and work. The devil despises the purity in and the power of the Lord’s house. And the protection available to each of us in and through temple ordinances and covenants stands as a great obstacle to the evil designs of Lucifer.

We need that protection so much! Don't let Satan keep you from receiving it.

When we were baptized we were promised that through our worthiness we could receive celestial glory. Which is fantastic! But through the reception of all the temple ordinances we are also promised exaltation – we are promised that if we are faithful to our covenants we will be heirs not only to the celestial kingdom, but exaltation – and thereby we will obtain all the divine possibilities God can give. That is our goal. And it is our Heavenly Father's and Savior's goal for us - that is the whole reason for the plan of salvation - why the Savior has done all He did for us - because they want us to have all they have. In D&C 132: 19-20 it says:

It shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant hath put upon them, in time, and through all eternity; and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fulness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever.

Then shall they be gods, because they have no end; therefore shall they be from everlasting to everlasting, because they continue; then shall they be above all, because all things are subject unto them. Then shall they be gods, because they have all power, and the angels are subject unto them.

I hope that you all want those blessings as much as I do. Elder Christofferson said:

Divine covenants make strong Christians. I urge each one to qualify for and receive all the priesthood ordinances you can and then faithfully keep the promises you have made by covenant. In times of distress, let your covenants be paramount and let your obedience be exact. Then you can ask in faith, nothing wavering, according to your need, and God will answer. He will sustain you as you work and watch. In His own time and way He will stretch forth his hand to you, saying, “Here am I.”

We have the opportunity to converse with the Lord. We are so blessed to live at this time. A time when not only can we receive these covenants, ordinances, and blessing for ourselves, but we can help others to receive them as well. Although temple ordinances have been performed since the time of Adam, it wasn't until after Christ opened the way for the gospel to be preached in the spirit world that we were able to perform ordinances for those who died without these blessings. That is a great blessing to us, to be able to return to the temple as often as we choose and be reminded of the covenants we made, the ordinances we received, and the blessings we have been promised, and at the same time do for others what they cannot do for themselves, to become saviors on mount zion.

Elder Packer said:

When you come to the temple and receive your endowment, and kneel at the altar to be sealed, you can live an ordinary life and be an ordinary soul - struggling against temptation, failing and repenting, and failing again and repenting, but always determined to keep your covenants.... Then the day will come when you will receive the benediction: 'Well done, though good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many thing; enter thou into the joy of thy lord' (Matthew 25:21)".