Feeling Real

 

We received the email telling us about Abby on Wednesday, April 4th. I met with her biological grandma on Thursday and learned more about her. Friday, Good Friday, Ryan and I met her. Saturday morning we told Cheyenne we would be honored to adopt Abby and she told us she wanted us to be the ones. We went and visited her again for a couple hours that day. Then we went shopping (we had nothing!) Sunday was Easter. We stopped by in the morning to get to spend a couple hours withher. That was the first time I got to feed her. The first time I got to do something for her. It was really good for me. Monday I spent most of the day there. Since Abby was in the NICU there were really strict rules about visiting and who was allowed to. Cheyenne was able to add 4 people to the list of individuals that were allowed to visit her without having to have Cheyenne there. She had put her mom on the list, her case worker, and the couple that had first planned to adopt her. It took a while before that list was changed so that we were on there (that happened Wednesday.)
The first few hours I was there Monday Cheyenne was there with her dad. I was supposed to leave when they did, but I just stayed in her room instead. The nurses knew Cheyenne had chosen us to adopt Abby and they didn't seem to mind my being there, even though technically I wasn't supposed to be. Being there alone with Abby for the first time was magical for me.
I enjoyed being there with Cheyenne. I enjoyed being with Abby in any situation. I enjoyed spending time with Cheyenne - getting to know her and bonding with her. And I enjoyed seeing how much she loved Abby. But while she was there she was Abby's mom. (She was Abby's mom even after placement, up until the day she relinquished her parental rights.) I knew that, and I respected it, but it was hard to bond with Abby while her mom was there. I wasn't her mom yet and didn't feel like it.
But for those hours when it was just us and I got to sit in the chair and look at her (I had brought work to do but didn't do any of it - I just watched her) I started to feel like her mom. It was the first time I had cried since reading the email. The first time it really started to feel real. The first time I felt my dream of being a parent was finally becoming a reality. It was a great feeling!
My song for today: "Love Song" by Adele: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjJUxczKAYE