Perfect Parent?

I am not sure if the laws are the same in other states but in Texas you have to wait 6 months from the time a child is placed with you (through adoption) until finalization (the day you go to court and sign all the paperwork and swear before a judge that you will be this child's parent forever.) Finalization is a big deal - it is the time when you get to be this child's parent legally, as if they were born to you, forever. Between placement and finalization the "parent" is technically the adoption agency. If you leave town you are supposed to tell them. Before finalization there is a chance the child could be taken from you. It feels like you are on probation, to show whether you can be a good parent to this child. (The real reason is so that you can make sure you are bonding with the child, make sure you feel comfortable with their health status and everything related to parenting this child because after finalization you are completely responsible, you are legally the parent completely. It's meant more as a protection for you in case you end up wanting to back out of the adoption. But that is not how it felt.) There was a constant fear that I might mess up in some way that would lead to them taking her away from me. What if I didn't buckle her in her car seat just right? What if she got sick too many times. What if someone realized I wasn't doing it all perfectly? I'm sure all new moms worry, but when you don't have legal parental rights all those concerns are elevated, because you don't want anything to mess up this dream that has finally been fulfilled. Finalization was a great day.
But on top of the pressure that you feel before finalization there is also the pressure of knowing that this child's first parents chose you to be the parents so that you can provide a good life for the child. This person let their heart break so that the child could have more than they could offer. So you feel this huge sense of responsibility to be the perfect parent, to make that heart breaking sacrifice worth it. I would have wanted to be a perfect parent even if we had conceived Abby, but there was an added layer to it, and that hasn't gone away. My biggest fear with adoption is that Cheyenne will wish she hadn't placed with us, that she will feel like we aren't good parents. I want her to feel like her sacrifice was worth it.
I love Abby, and that love is enough to make me want to be the best mom in the world - but adoption has enhanced that desire in me. And yet I fail, all the time. And I have to appologize to her, and I have to try again and keep learning and keep being so grateful that little people are so forgiving and so resilient and not ruined by my imperfections. I'm so grateful for my princess.
My song for today fits this feeling so well. "When I Leave the Room" by Natalie Grant (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-ouxPhYy7Y)
Here are the lyrics, because they're good:
Good night
Looks like we made it through the day
The moon sighs
And I know that we're okay

Sleep tight
I love to watch you drift away
I would come with you but on my knees I'll stay

Good night
Five little fingers holding mine
Take flight
Into your dreams and lullabies

There's nothing more that I can do
But just fall more in love with you
And ask the angel armies to stand by
When I leave the room

I'm gonna fail you
I already have
Ten thousand times
I will fall down flat

You'll have a seat in the front row
Of everything I don't know
And all I'm trying to be
You'll see

Good night
There will be storms that we come through
In time
We will slay dragons me and you

I'll always wanna hold you tight
Keep you safe with all my might
So I will leave Jesus next to you
When I leave the room

And you will run ahead
As if you know the way
And I will pray more
Then one should have to pray

There will be words we can't take back
Silences too
And I'll be on my knees
You'll see

One night
When I am old and unsteady
You'll want me to fight
But I'll tell you that I'm ready

When there's nothing left to do
I will still be loving you
Then you'll fold your fingers into mine
And I will let Jesus hold you tight
When I leave the room