Peace, Burdens, and Concerns

I am so blessed to have had the Lord carrying my burden for me over the past 5 years. His gift of peace during this trial fills me with gratitude. It would be so much harder to wait patiently if every day was filled with the pain of unfilled dreams. One thing I have worried about though is that my peace is indicative of not wanting children as much as those who wait in pain - or if it will at least be perceived by others that way. How can I be patient and peaceful if I want children just as much as those who grieve daily when unable to have them? Does not holding on to pain mean I care less?

I have discussed this with my Heavenly Father, just wanting to make certain my heart and desires are correct. And when I have questioned He has let me feel my burden - and it is overwhelming. And I don't know how people can make it through this trial without the help of a loving Father and Savior to help them carry the burden. I KNOW that my desire for children is as strong as it has ever been, if not stronger. I also KNOW that I have peace ONLY because Others are carrying the bulk of the burden for me - and I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!

I don't know how to teach others to turn their burden over so they don't have to carry it alone. I don't feel like this happened for me because I am more worthy of such a gift or my Father in Heaven or Savior love me more. I don't know why exactly that I have received this. But here is what I know:

When I first learned of the unlikelihood of us conceiving children I was shattered, a complete wreck. I was depressed and could not stop crying. But almost instantaneously when I told my family of the news and they started praying for me the burden began to lift. I was strengthened. I was still sad, but it wasn't the kind of sad that was all consuming, that occupied every thought, that clouded everything, that made it difficult to breath. The sadness became manageable. But before we told our families, before the sadness lifted I was eating dinner with Ryan and just crying. My heartbreak was hard on him. He was already sad himself, but my utter misery may have been harder. He said to me that he was sad, and he could understand why I was, but he didn't understand why I couldn't get past it, why I had to let it consume me. He talked about President Hinckley (he was the prophet at that time) and how sad he was when his wife died - how lonely he was, but how he was still able to get out there and serve and show love - he didn't let his loss consume him. When he said it I felt bad about myself, like there was a problem with me that I was struggling so much. But once my family prayed and I wasn't so consumed with sadness I was able to start getting past the pain and seeing good again. I was able to stop worrying so much about my agenda/time line and trusting in the Lord's. I think at that point that I was able to trust is when He was able to start really helping.

I think it is true not only of grief or sadness, but anger, and hurt, and other feelings as well - we hang on to them as if they are something we must guard. That if we were to let them go it would mean that whatever illicit those feeling didn't really matter, that it was okay. That if we were to let go of our hurt and forgive, for example, it would mean that the offender hadn't done something wrong, that whatever s/he did was fine. And so instead we hold on to those feelings, recall the incident and stew over it from time to time just to revive the misery. I'm not wanting to make light of being hurt or offended or whatever. There are things that happen that are very painful, and feeling that pain isn't wrong and doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us. But we don't have to hold on to it. We can trust our Heavenly Father and realize that releasing negative feelings is not the same as not caring. We don't have to hurt to care. And neither our Father or Savior want us to hurt. They have provided the perfect way to relieve us of our pain, to help us through it, but we have to let them. I hope that makes sense.

Some other things I have thought about in conjunction with this... Anne of Green Gables. I love Anne, I love her spunk, her zest, her feistiness, and her dramatics. But one time when she is being dramatic (I think because she died her hair green, but it may have been another time) she tells Marilla that she is in the depths of despair and asks her if she has ever been. Marilla tells her no, that to despair means you've turned your back on God. I believe that is true - that when I let that sorrow consume me I was not letting God help me. I was wallowing in my pain and not seeing that I had a loving Heavenly Father that knew my righteous desires - that of course He will bless me with children when the time is right but until then I still have a life to live, and a great life at that.

Which brings me to another thought. I was reading today the talk given by President Uchtdorf given in the last Relief Society General Meeting. He referred to the story of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He talked about how once Willi Wonka placed the golden tickets in the candy bars that was all anyone cared about. They were so consumed with getting a golden ticket (the desire of their heart) that they stopped finding the joy in the candy bar. I think that is a good point. We all have things we want, things we think that once we receive we can finally be happy. But happiness isn't about getting what we want, but wanting what we have. (As a side note we are not very good at predicting our happiness - there have been research studies on this. People think that once they get their golden ticket they will be happier but in actuality they are not. Happiness based on getting something is fleeting.) If we get too focused on receiving our golden ticket we miss out on all the other treats along the way. Ryan and I have spent a lot of time having fun. For example, we love to travel. We know that once we have kids traveling will become more difficult. We love scuba diving, but once we have kids we will either not be able to take them on trips where we would want to dive (which would require finding someone to watch them) or we will have to take turns diving, which won't be as enjoyable. Since we know that it will eventually become more difficult we take advantage of our childless state and travel as much as we can now. People have said to me that they know I would give up traveling to have kids - and I absolutely would, no question. But at the same time, I'm still enjoying it while I can. I don't think when I am on a trip that I wish I had kids instead - I enjoy my trips. I enjoy the relatively carefree lifestyle we currently have knowing that it will not last forever. I have a fantastic life, and I love it. Loving my life doesn't mean I don't long for the day it will change and we won't be able to travel so easily - I do, but I can still enjoy what I have now. I don't need the golden ticket before I can be happy. (You can read President Uchtdorf's whole talk here - it's really good. I also blogged about another great talk about finding joy amidst trials a few years ago - you can read it here.)

I don't know if that is helpful to anyone, I hope so.