My Story

We've now been trying to have children for 5 years. That's not when I started wanting kids. I've always wanted to be a mom. I had some things I wanted to finish before I became one. And I have done those things. It took us a while to both feel ready and right about starting to grow our family. But 5 years ago we were both ready and it felt like it was the right time.

Three and a half years ago (after a lot of doctor's appointments, testing, medications) we were told there was very little chance we would have children without serious interventions. We did more testing and did everything we could short of the serious intervention (in vitro). We prayed a lot to know what to do to grow our family.

Two and a half years ago we got the answer that we should pursue adoption. Two years ago we finished all our paperwork, background checks, etc. and were approved for adoption. Two years ago we got our profile out there. Two years ago we started telling everyone we knew that we were planning to adopt. Two years ago we started waiting. And we are still waiting. We have not yet been contacted by a single potential birth parent.

There are a lot of emotions and such that go along with infertility and becoming part of the adoption world. It is interesting how once you face a challenge such as this you become part of a new community. We first became part of the infertility community which introduced us to new people, new stories. Now we are also part of the adoption community (or rather, the hoping to adopt community) which has brought more new people, new stories. I read people's blogs about infertility and adoption (from both the adoptive and hopeful parent's perspective as well as the birth parent's perspective.) I read books about them too.

I've been part of a book club for 4.5 years now. A few months ago we read a book by a local woman who has adopted two children from Russia - it was all about her experience, first with infertility, then adoption. We had more people at that book club than any other one ever I think. We had 3 ladies there that have adopted, and others that have struggled with infertility. I didn't talk much at this book club (I don't usually talk that much), I listened. People have asked me what I thought of the book, and what I thought of that book club meeting. (By the way, the book is called Hope Deferred, in case you were wondering.) I liked the book fine. I didn't disagree with anything in it. I think it is especially good for people that have not faced infertility to read so they can understand what the challenge may be like - what they may say that could be hurtful, what could be helpful, and how they can be understanding. For that I liked it. But as I was reading it I felt like I understood why she felt as she did - that her story, her experiences and emotions, was fairly typical, similar to the other stories I have read on various blogs. And I understand why they would feel the way they do. But also as I read all these stories I feel that they are not mine, that my experience is different. So reading it didn't validate my experience, which is what I think most people that are facing such a challenge would hope to gain from reading other's stories. The conversation at book club was also not validating for me, which was another reminder to me that my story, my experience, is different. I am glad mine is different. It is my gift from a loving Heavenly Father and Savior. Lately I've been feeling like sharing my story, I don't know why, but I have. Maybe to help me feel validated somehow - just get it out there. Anyway, since this is my blog I will share my experiences, just a little at a time, as I think about the different parts. My story is not entirely unique. Although I feel different in many ways, I probably share more experiences than differences with others facing similar challenges. I plan to share the things that are hard and the things that are not hard for me. Those things that bring tears and pain and frustration and trials of my patience, and the things that make me smile and feel peaceful and grateful. Those things I wish I could do without and the things that make me feel blessed. If you have any questions that you would like me to address feel free to ask. Otherwise I will just post as things come up in my mind and heart.

To start - you can read about the reason my experience is different here. Well, at least it is what has helped me to change my perspective so a lot of things are easier on me than most people struggling with unfulfilled wishes.