Pregnancy/Adoption Announcements

One thing that is different about my experience than most I have read about is the way I react when someone tells me they are pregnant. From what I have heard/read it seems that for many with infertility hearing that other people are expecting a baby is really hard on them. It is not that they are not at all happy for the person/couple. There is some happiness for them but it may be overshadowed by their own intense sadness, longing, emptiness, and loss. This can happen even if a couple already has kids but are still wanting to have another.

Something I hadn't considered and that one of my friends told me when we first embarked on the adventure of adoption is that adoption is not a cure for infertility. Meaning, there are a lot of emotions including a sense of loss that accompanies infertility that are not resolved by finally receiving a child. For example, this blog post is from a mom with one adopted daughter and they are now trying to adopt a second. In it she talks about her reaction not to the announcement of pregnancy, but how she reacted when her brother called to tell her about their ultrasound. It was the reminder that she will never have that experience, or any of the others involved with pregnancy, a reminder of a loss, and emptiness, a longing. Adoption is fantastic and wonderful and beautiful, but it is different than bearing a child yourself; some of those differences are fantastic, and some leave you wanting.

But I have gotten a bit side-tracked. My point is that for a lot of people with infertility receiving news of another's pregnancy can be very difficult, and I understand why. When someone tells me that they are pregnant it is not particularly difficult. That is not to say that I don't experience anything other than complete joy for them. I am extremely happy for anyone that tells me they are pregnant (maybe even more happy for some of them than they are for themselves). But I do have a feeling of "I want that". It's not jealousy exactly, just a desire to receive the same thing. I don't feel that I deserve it more or anything, just an "I want that". I don't know how to explain it any better than that. But this "I want that" feeling isn't unique to someone sharing their exciting news - I have the same feeling when I see people holding babies, or I hold a baby, or see kids playing, or when there is a holiday that I want to share with my kids, or just thinking about staying home with my kids, or even just seeing a picture of a cute kid - "I WANT THAT". And that feeling of wanting is okay with me, it lets me know that I am still normal. Additionally I feel confident that one day we will conceive and bear children, and so I feel I will have those experiences so I don't mourn the loss of them (at least I haven't yet.)

For some reason hearing that a couple has been selected by birth parents effects me a little differently. At least it does if it is someone that has been waiting less time than us. I hope this won't come out wrong. I have a friend at church who adopted a little boy two years ago. It happened super fast for them. So fast that they never even had to create an adoption profile. Within a week of deciding they were going to adopt and telling people a birth mom (the daughter of my friend's coworker) had picked them. Since their son will be 2 next month they started the adoption process again 6 months ago. So a year and a half after we started. When she told another of our friends that they were trying to adopt again this other friend said she hoped I got a baby first. That isn't really how I feel, anymore than I feel that I hope I get a baby before my sisters have any more (by the way, I have had 7 nephews born since we started trying to have a baby, and at the time we started trying none of my sisters were pregnant or even wanting to be). I do hope I have a baby before I have more nieces or nephews born, but that is not because I want my sisters to have to wait longer or that I feel I am in competition with them (or anyone else). It is because the only ones that still want to have more kids recently did and I hope I don't have to wait longer than the time until they will be having more. So my feeling about others who are adopting isn't that I hope I receive my baby first. But this friend was recently chosen by a birthmother who is due in December. I am thrilled for them. I know my friend has worried about not being able to provide a sibling for her son and now she doesn't have to worry any more. Plus, they just want a baby, which I understand. But I have had one negative feeling, a feeling of "What is wrong with me? How are they chosen by birth parents so quickly while we have not even been contacted by a single birth parent in 2 years?" Intellectually I know that this is not a competition and that the birth parents of our children will pick us when they are looking and that really I don't want to be contacted and then not picked, but I am a girl and have insecurities and so I have had this feeling. But it has past and I am fine now. It didn't last too long anyway, which I am grateful for.

So that's it, the way I feel about other people telling me they will be having another baby - a little longing/emptiness, and little insecurity, but mostly joy and excitement for them (and for me if it is my sister because that means I get another niece or nephew!)

PS - My friend that was just chosen to adopt again has a vlog (video log) on youtube about her adoption journey and all things adoption. She has a ton of followers and her videos have even been shown in health classes in England. She is quite awesome. Check out her channel if you are interested.