One thing I have learned since embarking on this journey is that there are a lot of people incredibly opposed to adoption. And, adoption is dying out. I wanted to volunteer at a local pregnancy aid center (hopefully this will still work out) and in talking with them they said that almost all of the girls that come to the center choose to either have an abortion or parent. I am not sure why so few choose adoption but I think it may be because of all the negativity surrounding adoption as of late. People have said really awful, hurtful things to my friends that have adopted - I don't really remember all of them but things like "You'll never be his real mom" or "He'll hate you when he grows up". Girls that have placed have also received a lot of negativity - people saying that "If you really loved your child you could never give it up." Some of the negativity comes from people that were adopted and feel it would have been better if they hadn't been. Some comes from birth parents who feel that there are un-met promises from the adoptive parents. Also, there is also opposition from the parents of birth parents - they want to be part of their grandchild's life and feel that their child isn't living up to his/her responsibility when choosing adoption. But a lot of it is just ignorant people. That is why it is important to be an adoption advocate.
I'm grateful for all the birth parents who blog and let people know why they chose adoption and all the good, and bad, that comes with it. I'm also grateful for the adoptive families that share their stories. One blog that I go to if I want to read these experiences is www.ldsadoptioncouples.blogspot.com. There are lots of links to various blogs on it. I haven't read as many experiences of adoptees, but they are out there as well. I have known many people that are adopted, and so far I haven't talked to any that wish they were not.
In thinking about adoption the thing about it that stands out the most to me is that it is truly about love. The complete, selfless love of those who choose a plan for their child to allow them to have a life they can not currently provide. The complete, engulfing love of parents who finally receive the wish of their heart because of the selfless love of another. And the shared love between the birth and adoptive parents. There is a lot of love in adoption.
Although I am so grateful for those who choose to place and am deeply in awe of their selflessness I also do not feel that those who choose to parent love their children less (or more). When faced with an unplanned pregnancy their is no easy option. All will be hard and painful. Having read many birth parent blogs I know that for the majority of them following placement their is a long grieving process, similar to that following the death of someone very close. But also of the blogs I have read the majority of them are very glad they chose placement and are super grateful for the parents of their child.
I also know many people that have chosen to parent, for various reasons. And there is a lot of love in this decision as well. For many choosing to parent means giving up their own dreams, plans, goals, etc. It means growing up fast. There is a lot of pain and difficulty in this choice too. But again, of those who have chosen to parent I don't know any that wish they had not.
I don't know anyone (at least I don't know that I do) that has chosen abortion. Well, that is not true. When I met with the people at the pregnancy crisis center the lady I talked with had had an abortion. What I learned at the center is that although people think when they are choosing abortion that they are choosing the easy, least painful route, that is not the case. I can't remember what they call it, something like post-abortion syndrome, but their is a significant grieving process at some point post-abortion. A period of intense guilt and longing. The sad thing about this is there is no joy that accompanies it. I ache for those who choose this. I know many people that are struggling with infertility are filled with rage at those who choose abortion - how can they kill their child when so many people would gladly receive it? Although I am completely opposed to abortion it does not fill me with anger, it fills me with sadness. Sad that a life is lost, but also sadness for those who make that choice. Having talked to birth parents I know that many contemplate abortion - even those who believe it is wrong. When they find they are pregnant their are a lot of emotions, and a lot of fear. And abortion seems so easy - it's not.
When we were first getting approved to adopt we had to fill our A LOT of paperwork, answer so many questions we had never considered before. One of the questions was how we felt about birth parents. We wrote about our gratitude and our awe - which is what we feel. But about a year or so later I was talking to a friend who is also trying to adopt about all the questions. He said that he answered that question as "I don't have anything against them." I was surprised. He said that these were girls that had done something wrong (had extra-marital sex). Okay, I can't remember exactly what he said but something to the effect of they did something wrong and are just doing what they have to do now. I disagree with this for several reasons. First, they don't have to choose adoption. Adoption is completely unselfish and filled with love. Regardless of what brought them to needing to make this decision they are now acting with such charity how can you not be filled with love and compassion for them? Second, not all birth parents are teenagers, and not all are unmarried, and not all are childless. There are many older birth parents that could very easily provide for the needs of their child, but for whatever reason feel that an adoptive couple can provide better. There are married couples that choose to place because they are not able to meet the needs of a baby - whether because their marriage is rocky or for financial reasons. And there are people that already have children but feel that they can't provide for more. But whatever the circumstances, whatever the reason, it is always their love for their child that motivates them to choose adoption.
Well, anyway, this is kind of a rambling post, just what I have been thinking about in relation to this month focused on adoption. Probably nothing new to any of you, but that's alright.
1 comment:
Thanks for sharing your feelings, Amanda. I have had many clients who have had abortions, and it is something that causes them grief still. You're right - it is sad for them and continues to torture them. I'm also grateful for your gratitude for birth parents and your view of them. Someday, there will be a birth parent grateful for you.
I love you!
Molly
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