Decisions, decisions...

One of the questions I've been asked many times since embarking on our journey to adoption is about what characteristics of a child we are willing to accept. This was also asked when we were filling out all our adoption paperwork - in much more detail than we had ever considered before. You have to make decisions about the gender, decisions about the age of the child, race/ethnicity, decisions about the health of the child as well as that of the birth parents (physical and mental health), decisions about whether you were willing to accept children if the father/mother is unknown, about if the baby was conceived through incest, and I'm sure there were more that I'm not remembering right now. And like I said, these were detailed - for example, with the health related ones they listed probably 40-50 health problems and we had to decide whether we would accept a child with them, or if either of the birth parents had it. Like I said, we had never considered such detail.

One of my fears is that people will judge us based on how open we are to these different things. I am not sure that is a justified fear, but I have it. I am not sure if other people trying to adopt share this fear. My guess is that many do. At the same time I feel that people that have not faced trying to adopt have not considered all the implications of these decisions and may have a "beggars can't be choosers" kind of attitude. Again, this may be unfounded, but it's how I feel. (I also know that there are adoptive parents that have this feeling about others wanting to adopt that are not willing to adopt any possible child.) So, here are some things that hopeful adoptive parents may consider when making these choices:

Gender

Most couples I have talked to don't care whether they receive a boy or girl, but some may. And for many of the same reasons that people who conceive and bare their own children do.

Age

Some couples may desire an infant because they want the experience of being totally consumed by a newborn that is totally dependent on them - the experience of first time parents that have a brand new baby. They may feel that later they would be open to adopting an older child (and/or a sibling group) but to start with they would like an infant.

Another consideration is that perhaps one or both of them hasn't had a lot of experience with children and while they do want to be parents they know that it will be a huge adjustment. Having an infant allows more of an ease into the parent role than an older child may allow.

Also, older children have a past, which you may never know or understand. This doesn't mean that you wouldn't love the child, but not knowing their past may be difficult when faced with challenging behavior. And some people may feel that they don't have the ability to provide for the needs of an older child that may come emotionally scarred.

Race/Ethnicity

People react to and treat mixed racial families differently. I have heard of adoptive parents with children of other races being labeled as adulterers or promiscuous. People also project their own biases and prejudices on to these families saying that their children will have identity crises, that they will never fit into either the culture of their parents or their own based on their heritage, etc.

People that are opposed to adoption sometimes say especially mean and hurtful things and it is easier to identify a child as adopted if s/he is of a different race than his/her parent. I mentioned before that I have a friend that has been told by complete strangers that her son will grow up hating her, that she will never be his "real" mom, that he will never adjust the way normal children do, that they can tell he is adopted - does that bother her, etc. They may also ask questions which may not be intended as offensive but still may be.

When adopting children we already miss out on the normal child bearing and raising experiences that those who bare their children have. We are keenly aware of what we miss (although we are also aware of what we gain :) ). One of those things is being able to look at your child and decide which features come from you. But their are also other experiences families have when they look alike, both for the children and for the parent. And so some couples may want to receive as many of those kind of experiences as possible by limiting their race selection so their child will be more likely to look like them.

When you adopt a child that child is now not only your child, but part of your family and community. It is important that you feel like your child will be just as loved and accepted by your family/community as all other children. Their are couples who probably would be very open to children of other races themselves but don't feel that all children could be equally accepted by their family.

And some couples may have their own biases, some may even be ashamed of them. But recognizing them is probably a good thing.

Health

I think if people are honest almost everyone hopes their child will be healthy. I have never heard anyone say "I hope my child has cerebral palsy" or autism, or mental retardation, or cancer. People who are adopting also want healthy children.

Some people may not have the financial resources to care for a special needs child. Some may feel that they don't have the emotional strength to.

I am sure there are many more things adoptive parents have considered as they make their decisions. It is a humbling process to do so. And it involves both you and your spouse - you may not feel the same about everything but it is important to not try to pressure your spouse or judge him/her. We need to be honest about what we feel we can handle, what challenges we are willing to accept, and what we are not.

I personally feel quite open to all children regardless of these things. Yes, it would be great to get a newborn that looks just like us with fantastic genetics, but these things aren't a big concern. I would prefer a newborn because I really want the all consuming newborn experience, but if we felt that we should be adopting an older child of course we would! But the point of this post is that there are many reasons couples make the choices they do (including having had dreams or such that make them feel strongly about what characteristics their child will have) and that it is important to be understanding and not judgemental. Okay - that's it.