Church

Well, since today is Sunday and I went to church I figured I would write today about church attendance. For a lot of women facing infertility attending church is difficult. I have mostly read experiences of other members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but that book I read was written by a member of a different Christian church and her experience was similar to the others I have read, so I don't think it is unique to members of my same faith.

One of the main reasons church attendance can be difficult in such circumstances is because of all the families, all the emphasis on families - it makes it so painfully clear that you haven't completed your family, or even gotten very far along that path. You see what you want so badly and can't have. There is some jealousy, but mostly just pain. And discouragement. And doubt. Wondering why if families are such a part of Heavenly Father's plan, why if He loves you just as much as His other children, why if having children is the desire of your heart and it is a righteous desire, you are not receiving them. It is also easy to feel left out and like you don't belong because you don't have kids. Another challenge to going to church under such circumstances is that people ask questions or make comments that although are said innocently can be quite hurtful. These questions also make you feel judged and inferior.

I understand all these challenges - I have felt all of them at least some. But I have never felt like I didn't want to go to church because of this challenge. I always enjoy going to church - I like the way I feel when I am there. Soon after we first started trying to have children I served in the primary presidency (the leadership of our children's organization - for children 3-12 years old). At that time I didn't know how hard it was going to be for us to get our kids here. I enjoyed the primary - the kids were cute, I liked the women I served with, I liked singing the songs, I liked all of it. Around 8 or 9 months later I was asked to teach early morning seminary (teach the high school students of our congregation Old Testament every morning before school). When this happened I worried that it meant that I would have to wait a year before our kids would come - I was disappointed about that. Teaching seminary was difficult for me for various reasons, but I loved it for other reasons and hope to do it again. Even so, when the school year was over I was asked to teach nursery (the 18-30 month year old kiddos). I know this would be hard and a little hurtful to a lot of people who really want children to be asked to teach the youngest of kids. I loved it - I loved that the kids were excited to see me, they would hug me and want to sit on my lap. I got to teach with another woman who is so fantastic with kids and I got to learn a lot from her. Sometimes Ryan would come help us with the kids and it was fun to watch how excited they'd get to play with him, and to see how imaginative he was. A year after doing that Ryan was asked to serve in the bishopric of the young adult (18-31 year olds) singles ward. We've been doing that for 2.5 years now.

I'm not entirely sure why going to church isn't hard on me like it is for many infertile women. I know it partly has to do with that peace that I have been blessed with - with being able to trust in Heavenly Father's plan. I guess it also has to do with my faith that we will have children someday. I don't know how much longer we will have to wait, but I do not doubt that one day kids will come. So talks on families, or emphasis on the importance of them or motherhood etc., for me are kind of like promises. One day I will get that too. I think another part of it is in what you are going to church for. The main reason I go to church is to renew my covenants. But I also always pray that I will recognize the needs of those around me and know how to help. I think if I can keep my focus away from myself then it is not as hard to not get sad about things.

But even though church is not hard for me I again acknowledge that this is mainly because of a huge blessing I have received to have peace at this time. I do hope that everyone can receive this same peace. But not all have, not yet, and it doesn't make them less, and it doesn't invalidate that this challenge is hard. And being faced with everything you want and can't have can be very hard. I ache for those who struggle.