Peace, Burdens, and Concerns

I am so blessed to have had the Lord carrying my burden for me over the past 5 years. His gift of peace during this trial fills me with gratitude. It would be so much harder to wait patiently if every day was filled with the pain of unfilled dreams. One thing I have worried about though is that my peace is indicative of not wanting children as much as those who wait in pain - or if it will at least be perceived by others that way. How can I be patient and peaceful if I want children just as much as those who grieve daily when unable to have them? Does not holding on to pain mean I care less?

I have discussed this with my Heavenly Father, just wanting to make certain my heart and desires are correct. And when I have questioned He has let me feel my burden - and it is overwhelming. And I don't know how people can make it through this trial without the help of a loving Father and Savior to help them carry the burden. I KNOW that my desire for children is as strong as it has ever been, if not stronger. I also KNOW that I have peace ONLY because Others are carrying the bulk of the burden for me - and I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!

I don't know how to teach others to turn their burden over so they don't have to carry it alone. I don't feel like this happened for me because I am more worthy of such a gift or my Father in Heaven or Savior love me more. I don't know why exactly that I have received this. But here is what I know:

When I first learned of the unlikelihood of us conceiving children I was shattered, a complete wreck. I was depressed and could not stop crying. But almost instantaneously when I told my family of the news and they started praying for me the burden began to lift. I was strengthened. I was still sad, but it wasn't the kind of sad that was all consuming, that occupied every thought, that clouded everything, that made it difficult to breath. The sadness became manageable. But before we told our families, before the sadness lifted I was eating dinner with Ryan and just crying. My heartbreak was hard on him. He was already sad himself, but my utter misery may have been harder. He said to me that he was sad, and he could understand why I was, but he didn't understand why I couldn't get past it, why I had to let it consume me. He talked about President Hinckley (he was the prophet at that time) and how sad he was when his wife died - how lonely he was, but how he was still able to get out there and serve and show love - he didn't let his loss consume him. When he said it I felt bad about myself, like there was a problem with me that I was struggling so much. But once my family prayed and I wasn't so consumed with sadness I was able to start getting past the pain and seeing good again. I was able to stop worrying so much about my agenda/time line and trusting in the Lord's. I think at that point that I was able to trust is when He was able to start really helping.

I think it is true not only of grief or sadness, but anger, and hurt, and other feelings as well - we hang on to them as if they are something we must guard. That if we were to let them go it would mean that whatever illicit those feeling didn't really matter, that it was okay. That if we were to let go of our hurt and forgive, for example, it would mean that the offender hadn't done something wrong, that whatever s/he did was fine. And so instead we hold on to those feelings, recall the incident and stew over it from time to time just to revive the misery. I'm not wanting to make light of being hurt or offended or whatever. There are things that happen that are very painful, and feeling that pain isn't wrong and doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us. But we don't have to hold on to it. We can trust our Heavenly Father and realize that releasing negative feelings is not the same as not caring. We don't have to hurt to care. And neither our Father or Savior want us to hurt. They have provided the perfect way to relieve us of our pain, to help us through it, but we have to let them. I hope that makes sense.

Some other things I have thought about in conjunction with this... Anne of Green Gables. I love Anne, I love her spunk, her zest, her feistiness, and her dramatics. But one time when she is being dramatic (I think because she died her hair green, but it may have been another time) she tells Marilla that she is in the depths of despair and asks her if she has ever been. Marilla tells her no, that to despair means you've turned your back on God. I believe that is true - that when I let that sorrow consume me I was not letting God help me. I was wallowing in my pain and not seeing that I had a loving Heavenly Father that knew my righteous desires - that of course He will bless me with children when the time is right but until then I still have a life to live, and a great life at that.

Which brings me to another thought. I was reading today the talk given by President Uchtdorf given in the last Relief Society General Meeting. He referred to the story of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He talked about how once Willi Wonka placed the golden tickets in the candy bars that was all anyone cared about. They were so consumed with getting a golden ticket (the desire of their heart) that they stopped finding the joy in the candy bar. I think that is a good point. We all have things we want, things we think that once we receive we can finally be happy. But happiness isn't about getting what we want, but wanting what we have. (As a side note we are not very good at predicting our happiness - there have been research studies on this. People think that once they get their golden ticket they will be happier but in actuality they are not. Happiness based on getting something is fleeting.) If we get too focused on receiving our golden ticket we miss out on all the other treats along the way. Ryan and I have spent a lot of time having fun. For example, we love to travel. We know that once we have kids traveling will become more difficult. We love scuba diving, but once we have kids we will either not be able to take them on trips where we would want to dive (which would require finding someone to watch them) or we will have to take turns diving, which won't be as enjoyable. Since we know that it will eventually become more difficult we take advantage of our childless state and travel as much as we can now. People have said to me that they know I would give up traveling to have kids - and I absolutely would, no question. But at the same time, I'm still enjoying it while I can. I don't think when I am on a trip that I wish I had kids instead - I enjoy my trips. I enjoy the relatively carefree lifestyle we currently have knowing that it will not last forever. I have a fantastic life, and I love it. Loving my life doesn't mean I don't long for the day it will change and we won't be able to travel so easily - I do, but I can still enjoy what I have now. I don't need the golden ticket before I can be happy. (You can read President Uchtdorf's whole talk here - it's really good. I also blogged about another great talk about finding joy amidst trials a few years ago - you can read it here.)

I don't know if that is helpful to anyone, I hope so.

Pregnancy/Adoption Announcements

One thing that is different about my experience than most I have read about is the way I react when someone tells me they are pregnant. From what I have heard/read it seems that for many with infertility hearing that other people are expecting a baby is really hard on them. It is not that they are not at all happy for the person/couple. There is some happiness for them but it may be overshadowed by their own intense sadness, longing, emptiness, and loss. This can happen even if a couple already has kids but are still wanting to have another.

Something I hadn't considered and that one of my friends told me when we first embarked on the adventure of adoption is that adoption is not a cure for infertility. Meaning, there are a lot of emotions including a sense of loss that accompanies infertility that are not resolved by finally receiving a child. For example, this blog post is from a mom with one adopted daughter and they are now trying to adopt a second. In it she talks about her reaction not to the announcement of pregnancy, but how she reacted when her brother called to tell her about their ultrasound. It was the reminder that she will never have that experience, or any of the others involved with pregnancy, a reminder of a loss, and emptiness, a longing. Adoption is fantastic and wonderful and beautiful, but it is different than bearing a child yourself; some of those differences are fantastic, and some leave you wanting.

But I have gotten a bit side-tracked. My point is that for a lot of people with infertility receiving news of another's pregnancy can be very difficult, and I understand why. When someone tells me that they are pregnant it is not particularly difficult. That is not to say that I don't experience anything other than complete joy for them. I am extremely happy for anyone that tells me they are pregnant (maybe even more happy for some of them than they are for themselves). But I do have a feeling of "I want that". It's not jealousy exactly, just a desire to receive the same thing. I don't feel that I deserve it more or anything, just an "I want that". I don't know how to explain it any better than that. But this "I want that" feeling isn't unique to someone sharing their exciting news - I have the same feeling when I see people holding babies, or I hold a baby, or see kids playing, or when there is a holiday that I want to share with my kids, or just thinking about staying home with my kids, or even just seeing a picture of a cute kid - "I WANT THAT". And that feeling of wanting is okay with me, it lets me know that I am still normal. Additionally I feel confident that one day we will conceive and bear children, and so I feel I will have those experiences so I don't mourn the loss of them (at least I haven't yet.)

For some reason hearing that a couple has been selected by birth parents effects me a little differently. At least it does if it is someone that has been waiting less time than us. I hope this won't come out wrong. I have a friend at church who adopted a little boy two years ago. It happened super fast for them. So fast that they never even had to create an adoption profile. Within a week of deciding they were going to adopt and telling people a birth mom (the daughter of my friend's coworker) had picked them. Since their son will be 2 next month they started the adoption process again 6 months ago. So a year and a half after we started. When she told another of our friends that they were trying to adopt again this other friend said she hoped I got a baby first. That isn't really how I feel, anymore than I feel that I hope I get a baby before my sisters have any more (by the way, I have had 7 nephews born since we started trying to have a baby, and at the time we started trying none of my sisters were pregnant or even wanting to be). I do hope I have a baby before I have more nieces or nephews born, but that is not because I want my sisters to have to wait longer or that I feel I am in competition with them (or anyone else). It is because the only ones that still want to have more kids recently did and I hope I don't have to wait longer than the time until they will be having more. So my feeling about others who are adopting isn't that I hope I receive my baby first. But this friend was recently chosen by a birthmother who is due in December. I am thrilled for them. I know my friend has worried about not being able to provide a sibling for her son and now she doesn't have to worry any more. Plus, they just want a baby, which I understand. But I have had one negative feeling, a feeling of "What is wrong with me? How are they chosen by birth parents so quickly while we have not even been contacted by a single birth parent in 2 years?" Intellectually I know that this is not a competition and that the birth parents of our children will pick us when they are looking and that really I don't want to be contacted and then not picked, but I am a girl and have insecurities and so I have had this feeling. But it has past and I am fine now. It didn't last too long anyway, which I am grateful for.

So that's it, the way I feel about other people telling me they will be having another baby - a little longing/emptiness, and little insecurity, but mostly joy and excitement for them (and for me if it is my sister because that means I get another niece or nephew!)

PS - My friend that was just chosen to adopt again has a vlog (video log) on youtube about her adoption journey and all things adoption. She has a ton of followers and her videos have even been shown in health classes in England. She is quite awesome. Check out her channel if you are interested.

Adoption Awareness Month

November is Adoption Awareness Month. I am not really part of the adoption community yet since we have not adopted, have not placed for adoption, and am not adopted. Still, since we've been trying to adopt for quite some time now and have experienced similar trials as adoptive couples and I have read so many people's adoption experiences I feel like I'm part of it.

One thing I have learned since embarking on this journey is that there are a lot of people incredibly opposed to adoption. And, adoption is dying out. I wanted to volunteer at a local pregnancy aid center (hopefully this will still work out) and in talking with them they said that almost all of the girls that come to the center choose to either have an abortion or parent. I am not sure why so few choose adoption but I think it may be because of all the negativity surrounding adoption as of late. People have said really awful, hurtful things to my friends that have adopted - I don't really remember all of them but things like "You'll never be his real mom" or "He'll hate you when he grows up". Girls that have placed have also received a lot of negativity - people saying that "If you really loved your child you could never give it up." Some of the negativity comes from people that were adopted and feel it would have been better if they hadn't been. Some comes from birth parents who feel that there are un-met promises from the adoptive parents. Also, there is also opposition from the parents of birth parents - they want to be part of their grandchild's life and feel that their child isn't living up to his/her responsibility when choosing adoption. But a lot of it is just ignorant people. That is why it is important to be an adoption advocate.

I'm grateful for all the birth parents who blog and let people know why they chose adoption and all the good, and bad, that comes with it. I'm also grateful for the adoptive families that share their stories. One blog that I go to if I want to read these experiences is www.ldsadoptioncouples.blogspot.com. There are lots of links to various blogs on it. I haven't read as many experiences of adoptees, but they are out there as well. I have known many people that are adopted, and so far I haven't talked to any that wish they were not.

In thinking about adoption the thing about it that stands out the most to me is that it is truly about love. The complete, selfless love of those who choose a plan for their child to allow them to have a life they can not currently provide. The complete, engulfing love of parents who finally receive the wish of their heart because of the selfless love of another. And the shared love between the birth and adoptive parents. There is a lot of love in adoption.

Although I am so grateful for those who choose to place and am deeply in awe of their selflessness I also do not feel that those who choose to parent love their children less (or more). When faced with an unplanned pregnancy their is no easy option. All will be hard and painful. Having read many birth parent blogs I know that for the majority of them following placement their is a long grieving process, similar to that following the death of someone very close. But also of the blogs I have read the majority of them are very glad they chose placement and are super grateful for the parents of their child.

I also know many people that have chosen to parent, for various reasons. And there is a lot of love in this decision as well. For many choosing to parent means giving up their own dreams, plans, goals, etc. It means growing up fast. There is a lot of pain and difficulty in this choice too. But again, of those who have chosen to parent I don't know any that wish they had not.

I don't know anyone (at least I don't know that I do) that has chosen abortion. Well, that is not true. When I met with the people at the pregnancy crisis center the lady I talked with had had an abortion. What I learned at the center is that although people think when they are choosing abortion that they are choosing the easy, least painful route, that is not the case. I can't remember what they call it, something like post-abortion syndrome, but their is a significant grieving process at some point post-abortion. A period of intense guilt and longing. The sad thing about this is there is no joy that accompanies it. I ache for those who choose this. I know many people that are struggling with infertility are filled with rage at those who choose abortion - how can they kill their child when so many people would gladly receive it? Although I am completely opposed to abortion it does not fill me with anger, it fills me with sadness. Sad that a life is lost, but also sadness for those who make that choice. Having talked to birth parents I know that many contemplate abortion - even those who believe it is wrong. When they find they are pregnant their are a lot of emotions, and a lot of fear. And abortion seems so easy - it's not.

When we were first getting approved to adopt we had to fill our A LOT of paperwork, answer so many questions we had never considered before. One of the questions was how we felt about birth parents. We wrote about our gratitude and our awe - which is what we feel. But about a year or so later I was talking to a friend who is also trying to adopt about all the questions. He said that he answered that question as "I don't have anything against them." I was surprised. He said that these were girls that had done something wrong (had extra-marital sex). Okay, I can't remember exactly what he said but something to the effect of they did something wrong and are just doing what they have to do now. I disagree with this for several reasons. First, they don't have to choose adoption. Adoption is completely unselfish and filled with love. Regardless of what brought them to needing to make this decision they are now acting with such charity how can you not be filled with love and compassion for them? Second, not all birth parents are teenagers, and not all are unmarried, and not all are childless. There are many older birth parents that could very easily provide for the needs of their child, but for whatever reason feel that an adoptive couple can provide better. There are married couples that choose to place because they are not able to meet the needs of a baby - whether because their marriage is rocky or for financial reasons. And there are people that already have children but feel that they can't provide for more. But whatever the circumstances, whatever the reason, it is always their love for their child that motivates them to choose adoption.

Well, anyway, this is kind of a rambling post, just what I have been thinking about in relation to this month focused on adoption. Probably nothing new to any of you, but that's alright.

Holidays

Since today is Halloween AND Nevada Day (Happy Nevada Day everyone) I thought I would write about holidays. I LOVE them. All of them. I love reasons to celebrate. I love reasons to spend time with family. I love reasons to eat good food. And for several holidays, I love the reason for the holiday (Halloween not so much, but I still love Halloween). But despite loving holidays they are some of the times that not having children is hardest.

For most holidays not having kids is hard because many holiday traditions are geared toward children and I want to be able to have the kids to do them with. I want to go trick-or-treating, dang it. I want to dress my kids up. I want Halloween parties. I want to make Halloween decorations and carve pumpkins. Yes, Ryan and I can do some of these things, but we want to do them with our kids. I want to set up Santa stuff and I want to watch my kids excitedly see their gifts. In Ryan's family I am the youngest, so there are no kids when we have Christmas with them. We still enjoy Christmas, but it is just different. My family has a ton of kids (I have 6 nieces and 20 nephews). This helps me. I like watching my nieces and nephews be excited. Last year was a little hard for me though. Most of my family lives in Las Vegas so they have their own homes, but all my previous Christmases with my family my two younger sisters have always been at my parent's house with me. Last year it was just Ryan and me at my parent's house. My sister Jenny didn't get to Las Vegas until Christmas afternoon and Maggi decided to stay at her house with her husband and son. Not only did this make Christmas Eve a little less exciting, but I also didn't get to just wake-up and be there when kids first saw their things. I understand that all my sisters need to do what's best for their families, but sometimes, especially at holidays, I feel a little left out. Still, usually having my nieces and nephews around helps.

The one holiday that is not made easier by having kids around is Mother's Day. Kids don't make it harder for me, and in truth I think it is not as hard on me as many people wanting and unable to be pregnant. But it is a day when my emotions are a little closer to the surface. I WANT to be a mom, but I'm not, and so it can be hard. I may cry a little bit, but then it passes and I am fine, and I can go on to celebrating my mom and mother-in-law and all the other fantastic women in my life, and feel blessed.

So, the point is that I still LOVE holidays and am so happy we have them, but they can bring with them a little sadness and a lot of longing, and that is okay.

Church

Well, since today is Sunday and I went to church I figured I would write today about church attendance. For a lot of women facing infertility attending church is difficult. I have mostly read experiences of other members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but that book I read was written by a member of a different Christian church and her experience was similar to the others I have read, so I don't think it is unique to members of my same faith.

One of the main reasons church attendance can be difficult in such circumstances is because of all the families, all the emphasis on families - it makes it so painfully clear that you haven't completed your family, or even gotten very far along that path. You see what you want so badly and can't have. There is some jealousy, but mostly just pain. And discouragement. And doubt. Wondering why if families are such a part of Heavenly Father's plan, why if He loves you just as much as His other children, why if having children is the desire of your heart and it is a righteous desire, you are not receiving them. It is also easy to feel left out and like you don't belong because you don't have kids. Another challenge to going to church under such circumstances is that people ask questions or make comments that although are said innocently can be quite hurtful. These questions also make you feel judged and inferior.

I understand all these challenges - I have felt all of them at least some. But I have never felt like I didn't want to go to church because of this challenge. I always enjoy going to church - I like the way I feel when I am there. Soon after we first started trying to have children I served in the primary presidency (the leadership of our children's organization - for children 3-12 years old). At that time I didn't know how hard it was going to be for us to get our kids here. I enjoyed the primary - the kids were cute, I liked the women I served with, I liked singing the songs, I liked all of it. Around 8 or 9 months later I was asked to teach early morning seminary (teach the high school students of our congregation Old Testament every morning before school). When this happened I worried that it meant that I would have to wait a year before our kids would come - I was disappointed about that. Teaching seminary was difficult for me for various reasons, but I loved it for other reasons and hope to do it again. Even so, when the school year was over I was asked to teach nursery (the 18-30 month year old kiddos). I know this would be hard and a little hurtful to a lot of people who really want children to be asked to teach the youngest of kids. I loved it - I loved that the kids were excited to see me, they would hug me and want to sit on my lap. I got to teach with another woman who is so fantastic with kids and I got to learn a lot from her. Sometimes Ryan would come help us with the kids and it was fun to watch how excited they'd get to play with him, and to see how imaginative he was. A year after doing that Ryan was asked to serve in the bishopric of the young adult (18-31 year olds) singles ward. We've been doing that for 2.5 years now.

I'm not entirely sure why going to church isn't hard on me like it is for many infertile women. I know it partly has to do with that peace that I have been blessed with - with being able to trust in Heavenly Father's plan. I guess it also has to do with my faith that we will have children someday. I don't know how much longer we will have to wait, but I do not doubt that one day kids will come. So talks on families, or emphasis on the importance of them or motherhood etc., for me are kind of like promises. One day I will get that too. I think another part of it is in what you are going to church for. The main reason I go to church is to renew my covenants. But I also always pray that I will recognize the needs of those around me and know how to help. I think if I can keep my focus away from myself then it is not as hard to not get sad about things.

But even though church is not hard for me I again acknowledge that this is mainly because of a huge blessing I have received to have peace at this time. I do hope that everyone can receive this same peace. But not all have, not yet, and it doesn't make them less, and it doesn't invalidate that this challenge is hard. And being faced with everything you want and can't have can be very hard. I ache for those who struggle.

My Story

We've now been trying to have children for 5 years. That's not when I started wanting kids. I've always wanted to be a mom. I had some things I wanted to finish before I became one. And I have done those things. It took us a while to both feel ready and right about starting to grow our family. But 5 years ago we were both ready and it felt like it was the right time.

Three and a half years ago (after a lot of doctor's appointments, testing, medications) we were told there was very little chance we would have children without serious interventions. We did more testing and did everything we could short of the serious intervention (in vitro). We prayed a lot to know what to do to grow our family.

Two and a half years ago we got the answer that we should pursue adoption. Two years ago we finished all our paperwork, background checks, etc. and were approved for adoption. Two years ago we got our profile out there. Two years ago we started telling everyone we knew that we were planning to adopt. Two years ago we started waiting. And we are still waiting. We have not yet been contacted by a single potential birth parent.

There are a lot of emotions and such that go along with infertility and becoming part of the adoption world. It is interesting how once you face a challenge such as this you become part of a new community. We first became part of the infertility community which introduced us to new people, new stories. Now we are also part of the adoption community (or rather, the hoping to adopt community) which has brought more new people, new stories. I read people's blogs about infertility and adoption (from both the adoptive and hopeful parent's perspective as well as the birth parent's perspective.) I read books about them too.

I've been part of a book club for 4.5 years now. A few months ago we read a book by a local woman who has adopted two children from Russia - it was all about her experience, first with infertility, then adoption. We had more people at that book club than any other one ever I think. We had 3 ladies there that have adopted, and others that have struggled with infertility. I didn't talk much at this book club (I don't usually talk that much), I listened. People have asked me what I thought of the book, and what I thought of that book club meeting. (By the way, the book is called Hope Deferred, in case you were wondering.) I liked the book fine. I didn't disagree with anything in it. I think it is especially good for people that have not faced infertility to read so they can understand what the challenge may be like - what they may say that could be hurtful, what could be helpful, and how they can be understanding. For that I liked it. But as I was reading it I felt like I understood why she felt as she did - that her story, her experiences and emotions, was fairly typical, similar to the other stories I have read on various blogs. And I understand why they would feel the way they do. But also as I read all these stories I feel that they are not mine, that my experience is different. So reading it didn't validate my experience, which is what I think most people that are facing such a challenge would hope to gain from reading other's stories. The conversation at book club was also not validating for me, which was another reminder to me that my story, my experience, is different. I am glad mine is different. It is my gift from a loving Heavenly Father and Savior. Lately I've been feeling like sharing my story, I don't know why, but I have. Maybe to help me feel validated somehow - just get it out there. Anyway, since this is my blog I will share my experiences, just a little at a time, as I think about the different parts. My story is not entirely unique. Although I feel different in many ways, I probably share more experiences than differences with others facing similar challenges. I plan to share the things that are hard and the things that are not hard for me. Those things that bring tears and pain and frustration and trials of my patience, and the things that make me smile and feel peaceful and grateful. Those things I wish I could do without and the things that make me feel blessed. If you have any questions that you would like me to address feel free to ask. Otherwise I will just post as things come up in my mind and heart.

To start - you can read about the reason my experience is different here. Well, at least it is what has helped me to change my perspective so a lot of things are easier on me than most people struggling with unfulfilled wishes.

ReMarkable Sister

I've posted about my sisters before - I have 6 of them. Having six sisters (I don't know anyone else who has so many), having MY fantastic six sisters, is one of the things that makes me the luckiest person in the world (along with having the best husband, best parents, best friends, etc - I know, lucky right?). Although my sisters are all very different I am amazed by each of them because they are ALL, well, AMAZING! But this post is mostly about the one closest to me in age - Emily, she is 2 years, 6 months, and 8 days older than me.

Emily is super smart, funny, fun, caring, and CREATIVE!!!!!!!!! Her degree is in interior architecture and design, so as you can imagine, her home is always super cute. But not only does she have cute decorating ideas, she is good at pretty much everything domestic. She is a great cook. Throws parties like you wouldn't believe (she did my bridal shower and I loved it - a country picnic that was so cute!) She creates incredible gifts for people. Anything domestic thing you could think of she can do, and do great. Maybe one day when I grow up I can become more like her. For now I am just grateful to have her as my sister.

But because she is so creative I told her several months ago that she should start a blog of all her ideas so she can help other people to try to become more like the domestic diva she already is. And a week or two ago (or maybe more) she did. It's called ReMarkable Home, you should check it out HERE. And now is an ideal time do so because she is doing a give away of one of her cute ideas. I'm glad that she is doing this blog so that I can become a little more domestic. I hope you will find it helpful too. I know there are tons of blogs out there with craft ideas, and recipes, and decorating tips, etc. So what makes Emily's blog unique. I would have to say it is her party ideas. At least I haven't seen other blogs with party ideas. Really, she could be a professional party planner. And she shares each aspect of the party, including theme, decorations, invitations, food, etc. I love her parties!

Maybe if you are lucky you will one day get to meet her, she is super awesome. Lucky me that I'm related - we share the same blood (kind of) so I have hope that one day I can harness those domestic skills as well (plus all her other great qualities, like being such a super sister).