Thanks

Well,

Being the week of Thanksgiving I thought I would do a post about blessings I have received because of not yet having children. Some of the blessings I have received are related to things I have learned and personal growth - but I have also had opportunities I likely would not have had if I had been able to have children as soon as I would have liked. Here are some of these opportunities:

1) Temple Worker - Towards the end of graduate school I was attending the temple and talking with one of the workers there about how long she had been serving in the temple. I learned at that time that women that have children in the house cannot be temple workers since their primary responsibility is to be home with their children. I decided once I graduated that I would like the opportunity to serve in the temple and requested to be a temple worker. Several months later Ryan and I were both asked to serve in the temple. We started a little more than 3 years ago. We love it. We have learned a lot about temple ordinances and covenants, have received answers to prayers and additional guidance, we have been strengthened, we have grown closer together as a couple, and have been blessed in other ways. It has been a great experience, one that I feel will help me to be a better mother when the time comes.

2) Seminary Teacher - My last year of graduate school I was asked to teach early morning seminary (a religion class taught before school for high school students). This may have been one of the most challenging callings of my life. I love teaching, I love teenagers, and I love the gospel, so it should have been a perfect fit for me, and in many ways it was. It was a challenge for me because I had to learn that 6:00 am is not the time when teenagers shine. It is also difficult because teenagers don't express a lot of appreciation or other emotion. Usually when you serve in the church you have other adults that let you know you are doing a good job or that they are grateful for your service - they let you know that what you are doing matters. Not only did I not receive those affirmations, I had a couple students who picked on me. They made me feel like I was back in high school being bullied. It was hard on me. It was also during this time that we were realizing how hard having children would be, so I was already struggling emotionally. Other than serving as a full-time missionary this was by far the most demanding calling I have ever had. It was Old Testament, which I had read all the way through before but it is the the scripture I am least familiar with. I spent 15-20 hours a week studying and preparing lessons, plus 5 hours teaching - so it was a part time job for me (while I was finishing up my last year of graduate school.) So why would I be grateful for such a challenging experience? It is the only time other than my mission when I have become so immersed in the scriptures - I learned a lot and gained a much deeper and greater love for the Old Testament. I learned how to be a better teacher. I learned more about forgiveness, not judging, and love. I am certain I learned more than any of my students. I hope to have the opportunity again some day, and I am grateful I have already done it.

3) Babysitting - Both Ryan and I have had a lot of opportunities to help people out when they need a little extra help with their kids. I have stayed with my sisters' children a few times when she has gone on vacation, we have stayed over night with friends' children when they needed time alone, I have gone early in the morning to stay with another friends' kids while she delivered a baby, I have stayed with other friends' kids while they have attended doctors appointments, the temple, etc. I have had lots of opportunities to take care of kids. These opportunities not only provide me with a unique opportunity to serve (in many of these situations it would have been much more difficult if not impossible for someone with kids of their own to help out) which helps me feel useful and good, but also gives me an opportunity to start building parenting skills before I actually need them. There have been other unique service opportunities as well.

4) Serving in the YSA ward - Ryan was called into the bishopric (leadership) of the young single adult (YSA) ward 2.5 years ago. At that time I was asked to attend the ward with him. If we had children I don't think this would have happened since children are supposed to go to family wards. Although we miss our family ward we have enjoyed our time in the YSA ward and have had great opportunities to learn and to serve.

5) Travel - Ryan and I love to travel. We do so as often as we can. Since the time we started trying to have children we have been to Hawaii, Alaska, Europe, a Panama Canal Cruise, the Pacific Northwest, South Carolina, Illinois, MIchigan, Wisconsin, and Minnesota, and have traveled around Texas and to Las Vegas/Southern Utah several times. We have had a really good time. I know you can travel with children, but it sure is easier without them. These trips have helped us grow closer together, have helped us enjoy the incredible earth our Heavenly Father has provided us, have helped us better appreciate the blessings we have, and have just helped us enjoy ourselves.

6) Post-doctorate - I never wanted to work full-time. I wanted to have children a little before i graduated and then be a full-time mom. Then hasn't worked out. A few months after I graduated I started my post-doctorate which is a period of time fully focused on research. Through doing research not only did I get experience that is somewhat required to work in my field, but I also learned a lot about autism and have an increased compassion for those effected by developmental disabilities, and perhaps most important I made several friends that have taught me and who I hope that I also taught some things.

7) Teaching - This year I have the opportunity to teach at TCU. I did my bachelor's in Biology Teaching and really enjoyed that. I do like teaching, but during my post-doc I only did research. I forgot how much I love teaching. I have really enjoyed teaching at TCU. I enjoy preparing my lessons (I have learned quite a bit as I have), I enjoy my students, I enjoy it (except grading - I don't like that part). I feel like I have been able to help some of my students which helps me feel good. And I am especially lucky to be teaching at a Christian school where I feel free to share gospel teachings, which I do.

8) Financial Security - With both Ryan and I working we have been able to become financially stable. We have gotten out of debt and have been able to save for retirement. I am not saying we are wealthy, but we do not face the financial stress that many other couples our age face.

9) Observe Parenting Styles - One of the things Ryan and I have done over the past 8 years is identify children we feel are well behaved and watch their interactions with their parents. We have watched many different parenting styles and have discussed what things we think work, what things we want to do with our children. I know that things are harder to actually implement, and I am not saying we will be the best parents in the world or that we will never make mistakes. But I do think we have learned things through our observations that will help us be better parents than we would have been if we had been blessed with children several years ago.

10) Time together - So far, we have had 8 1/2 years of just us. We have had time to talk, to date, to travel. We have had time to focus on improving a marriage. We have had a lot of time to grow together and to be consumed with each other. I think we will always cherish this time together. Once you have children you always do - we have this time to focus on just us, which is great. In fact, several months ago that idea came to me that I need to say prayers of thanks for this time in our lives. That we have been given this time as a special gift. That our lives are relatively easy at this time, they will not always be so easy. When the challenges come in the future we will be able to look back at this time and remember this special gift. We are grateful.

Does my gratitude for these opportunities minimize my desire for children? Absolutely not - I want them! I will give up travel today if that means I get children tomorrow? YES! I will gladly and readily accept children in to our lives whenever Heavenly Father feels we are ready for them. I feel ready now, 5 years ago really. But I am grateful for many things that have come in to my life because the blessing of children haven't. My life is a gift that I am incredibly grateful for!

Veteran's Day, Freedom, and Adoption

With today being Veteran's Day I have of course thought about the freedoms I am so grateful for and for those who have fought to provide and preserve them for me. One freedom I am grateful for is the opportunity to have as many children as my Heavenly Fatehr blesses me with. I am also grateful for the freedom that those who face an unplanned pregnancy to choose for that child to be given a life they may not be able to provide - to choose adoption. These freedoms are not provided to everyone. We are so blessed to live in a country where they are.

Here are the lyrics to one of my favoirte patriotic songs: Proud to Be an American

If tomorrow all the things were gone,I’d worked for all my life.
And I had to start again,with just my children and my wife.
I’d thank my lucky stars,to be livin here today.
‘Cause the flag still stands for freedom, and they can’t take that away.

And I’m proud to be an American,where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,God bless the USA.

From the lakes of Minnesota, to the hills of Tennessee.
Across the plains of Texas, From sea to shining sea.
From Detroit down to Houston, and New York to L.A.
Well there's pride in every American heart, and its time we stand and say.

That I’m proud to be an American,where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died,who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up, next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land, God bless the USA.

And I’m proud to be and American, where at least I know I’m free.
And I wont forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I gladly stand up,next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land,God bless the USA.


And just as a side note - today is 11/11/11, which is just super cool! I hope you are enjoying it because you'll never experience another date with only one date in it.

Decisions, decisions...

One of the questions I've been asked many times since embarking on our journey to adoption is about what characteristics of a child we are willing to accept. This was also asked when we were filling out all our adoption paperwork - in much more detail than we had ever considered before. You have to make decisions about the gender, decisions about the age of the child, race/ethnicity, decisions about the health of the child as well as that of the birth parents (physical and mental health), decisions about whether you were willing to accept children if the father/mother is unknown, about if the baby was conceived through incest, and I'm sure there were more that I'm not remembering right now. And like I said, these were detailed - for example, with the health related ones they listed probably 40-50 health problems and we had to decide whether we would accept a child with them, or if either of the birth parents had it. Like I said, we had never considered such detail.

One of my fears is that people will judge us based on how open we are to these different things. I am not sure that is a justified fear, but I have it. I am not sure if other people trying to adopt share this fear. My guess is that many do. At the same time I feel that people that have not faced trying to adopt have not considered all the implications of these decisions and may have a "beggars can't be choosers" kind of attitude. Again, this may be unfounded, but it's how I feel. (I also know that there are adoptive parents that have this feeling about others wanting to adopt that are not willing to adopt any possible child.) So, here are some things that hopeful adoptive parents may consider when making these choices:

Gender

Most couples I have talked to don't care whether they receive a boy or girl, but some may. And for many of the same reasons that people who conceive and bare their own children do.

Age

Some couples may desire an infant because they want the experience of being totally consumed by a newborn that is totally dependent on them - the experience of first time parents that have a brand new baby. They may feel that later they would be open to adopting an older child (and/or a sibling group) but to start with they would like an infant.

Another consideration is that perhaps one or both of them hasn't had a lot of experience with children and while they do want to be parents they know that it will be a huge adjustment. Having an infant allows more of an ease into the parent role than an older child may allow.

Also, older children have a past, which you may never know or understand. This doesn't mean that you wouldn't love the child, but not knowing their past may be difficult when faced with challenging behavior. And some people may feel that they don't have the ability to provide for the needs of an older child that may come emotionally scarred.

Race/Ethnicity

People react to and treat mixed racial families differently. I have heard of adoptive parents with children of other races being labeled as adulterers or promiscuous. People also project their own biases and prejudices on to these families saying that their children will have identity crises, that they will never fit into either the culture of their parents or their own based on their heritage, etc.

People that are opposed to adoption sometimes say especially mean and hurtful things and it is easier to identify a child as adopted if s/he is of a different race than his/her parent. I mentioned before that I have a friend that has been told by complete strangers that her son will grow up hating her, that she will never be his "real" mom, that he will never adjust the way normal children do, that they can tell he is adopted - does that bother her, etc. They may also ask questions which may not be intended as offensive but still may be.

When adopting children we already miss out on the normal child bearing and raising experiences that those who bare their children have. We are keenly aware of what we miss (although we are also aware of what we gain :) ). One of those things is being able to look at your child and decide which features come from you. But their are also other experiences families have when they look alike, both for the children and for the parent. And so some couples may want to receive as many of those kind of experiences as possible by limiting their race selection so their child will be more likely to look like them.

When you adopt a child that child is now not only your child, but part of your family and community. It is important that you feel like your child will be just as loved and accepted by your family/community as all other children. Their are couples who probably would be very open to children of other races themselves but don't feel that all children could be equally accepted by their family.

And some couples may have their own biases, some may even be ashamed of them. But recognizing them is probably a good thing.

Health

I think if people are honest almost everyone hopes their child will be healthy. I have never heard anyone say "I hope my child has cerebral palsy" or autism, or mental retardation, or cancer. People who are adopting also want healthy children.

Some people may not have the financial resources to care for a special needs child. Some may feel that they don't have the emotional strength to.

I am sure there are many more things adoptive parents have considered as they make their decisions. It is a humbling process to do so. And it involves both you and your spouse - you may not feel the same about everything but it is important to not try to pressure your spouse or judge him/her. We need to be honest about what we feel we can handle, what challenges we are willing to accept, and what we are not.

I personally feel quite open to all children regardless of these things. Yes, it would be great to get a newborn that looks just like us with fantastic genetics, but these things aren't a big concern. I would prefer a newborn because I really want the all consuming newborn experience, but if we felt that we should be adopting an older child of course we would! But the point of this post is that there are many reasons couples make the choices they do (including having had dreams or such that make them feel strongly about what characteristics their child will have) and that it is important to be understanding and not judgemental. Okay - that's it.

Peace, Burdens, and Concerns

I am so blessed to have had the Lord carrying my burden for me over the past 5 years. His gift of peace during this trial fills me with gratitude. It would be so much harder to wait patiently if every day was filled with the pain of unfilled dreams. One thing I have worried about though is that my peace is indicative of not wanting children as much as those who wait in pain - or if it will at least be perceived by others that way. How can I be patient and peaceful if I want children just as much as those who grieve daily when unable to have them? Does not holding on to pain mean I care less?

I have discussed this with my Heavenly Father, just wanting to make certain my heart and desires are correct. And when I have questioned He has let me feel my burden - and it is overwhelming. And I don't know how people can make it through this trial without the help of a loving Father and Savior to help them carry the burden. I KNOW that my desire for children is as strong as it has ever been, if not stronger. I also KNOW that I have peace ONLY because Others are carrying the bulk of the burden for me - and I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!

I don't know how to teach others to turn their burden over so they don't have to carry it alone. I don't feel like this happened for me because I am more worthy of such a gift or my Father in Heaven or Savior love me more. I don't know why exactly that I have received this. But here is what I know:

When I first learned of the unlikelihood of us conceiving children I was shattered, a complete wreck. I was depressed and could not stop crying. But almost instantaneously when I told my family of the news and they started praying for me the burden began to lift. I was strengthened. I was still sad, but it wasn't the kind of sad that was all consuming, that occupied every thought, that clouded everything, that made it difficult to breath. The sadness became manageable. But before we told our families, before the sadness lifted I was eating dinner with Ryan and just crying. My heartbreak was hard on him. He was already sad himself, but my utter misery may have been harder. He said to me that he was sad, and he could understand why I was, but he didn't understand why I couldn't get past it, why I had to let it consume me. He talked about President Hinckley (he was the prophet at that time) and how sad he was when his wife died - how lonely he was, but how he was still able to get out there and serve and show love - he didn't let his loss consume him. When he said it I felt bad about myself, like there was a problem with me that I was struggling so much. But once my family prayed and I wasn't so consumed with sadness I was able to start getting past the pain and seeing good again. I was able to stop worrying so much about my agenda/time line and trusting in the Lord's. I think at that point that I was able to trust is when He was able to start really helping.

I think it is true not only of grief or sadness, but anger, and hurt, and other feelings as well - we hang on to them as if they are something we must guard. That if we were to let them go it would mean that whatever illicit those feeling didn't really matter, that it was okay. That if we were to let go of our hurt and forgive, for example, it would mean that the offender hadn't done something wrong, that whatever s/he did was fine. And so instead we hold on to those feelings, recall the incident and stew over it from time to time just to revive the misery. I'm not wanting to make light of being hurt or offended or whatever. There are things that happen that are very painful, and feeling that pain isn't wrong and doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us. But we don't have to hold on to it. We can trust our Heavenly Father and realize that releasing negative feelings is not the same as not caring. We don't have to hurt to care. And neither our Father or Savior want us to hurt. They have provided the perfect way to relieve us of our pain, to help us through it, but we have to let them. I hope that makes sense.

Some other things I have thought about in conjunction with this... Anne of Green Gables. I love Anne, I love her spunk, her zest, her feistiness, and her dramatics. But one time when she is being dramatic (I think because she died her hair green, but it may have been another time) she tells Marilla that she is in the depths of despair and asks her if she has ever been. Marilla tells her no, that to despair means you've turned your back on God. I believe that is true - that when I let that sorrow consume me I was not letting God help me. I was wallowing in my pain and not seeing that I had a loving Heavenly Father that knew my righteous desires - that of course He will bless me with children when the time is right but until then I still have a life to live, and a great life at that.

Which brings me to another thought. I was reading today the talk given by President Uchtdorf given in the last Relief Society General Meeting. He referred to the story of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He talked about how once Willi Wonka placed the golden tickets in the candy bars that was all anyone cared about. They were so consumed with getting a golden ticket (the desire of their heart) that they stopped finding the joy in the candy bar. I think that is a good point. We all have things we want, things we think that once we receive we can finally be happy. But happiness isn't about getting what we want, but wanting what we have. (As a side note we are not very good at predicting our happiness - there have been research studies on this. People think that once they get their golden ticket they will be happier but in actuality they are not. Happiness based on getting something is fleeting.) If we get too focused on receiving our golden ticket we miss out on all the other treats along the way. Ryan and I have spent a lot of time having fun. For example, we love to travel. We know that once we have kids traveling will become more difficult. We love scuba diving, but once we have kids we will either not be able to take them on trips where we would want to dive (which would require finding someone to watch them) or we will have to take turns diving, which won't be as enjoyable. Since we know that it will eventually become more difficult we take advantage of our childless state and travel as much as we can now. People have said to me that they know I would give up traveling to have kids - and I absolutely would, no question. But at the same time, I'm still enjoying it while I can. I don't think when I am on a trip that I wish I had kids instead - I enjoy my trips. I enjoy the relatively carefree lifestyle we currently have knowing that it will not last forever. I have a fantastic life, and I love it. Loving my life doesn't mean I don't long for the day it will change and we won't be able to travel so easily - I do, but I can still enjoy what I have now. I don't need the golden ticket before I can be happy. (You can read President Uchtdorf's whole talk here - it's really good. I also blogged about another great talk about finding joy amidst trials a few years ago - you can read it here.)

I don't know if that is helpful to anyone, I hope so.

Pregnancy/Adoption Announcements

One thing that is different about my experience than most I have read about is the way I react when someone tells me they are pregnant. From what I have heard/read it seems that for many with infertility hearing that other people are expecting a baby is really hard on them. It is not that they are not at all happy for the person/couple. There is some happiness for them but it may be overshadowed by their own intense sadness, longing, emptiness, and loss. This can happen even if a couple already has kids but are still wanting to have another.

Something I hadn't considered and that one of my friends told me when we first embarked on the adventure of adoption is that adoption is not a cure for infertility. Meaning, there are a lot of emotions including a sense of loss that accompanies infertility that are not resolved by finally receiving a child. For example, this blog post is from a mom with one adopted daughter and they are now trying to adopt a second. In it she talks about her reaction not to the announcement of pregnancy, but how she reacted when her brother called to tell her about their ultrasound. It was the reminder that she will never have that experience, or any of the others involved with pregnancy, a reminder of a loss, and emptiness, a longing. Adoption is fantastic and wonderful and beautiful, but it is different than bearing a child yourself; some of those differences are fantastic, and some leave you wanting.

But I have gotten a bit side-tracked. My point is that for a lot of people with infertility receiving news of another's pregnancy can be very difficult, and I understand why. When someone tells me that they are pregnant it is not particularly difficult. That is not to say that I don't experience anything other than complete joy for them. I am extremely happy for anyone that tells me they are pregnant (maybe even more happy for some of them than they are for themselves). But I do have a feeling of "I want that". It's not jealousy exactly, just a desire to receive the same thing. I don't feel that I deserve it more or anything, just an "I want that". I don't know how to explain it any better than that. But this "I want that" feeling isn't unique to someone sharing their exciting news - I have the same feeling when I see people holding babies, or I hold a baby, or see kids playing, or when there is a holiday that I want to share with my kids, or just thinking about staying home with my kids, or even just seeing a picture of a cute kid - "I WANT THAT". And that feeling of wanting is okay with me, it lets me know that I am still normal. Additionally I feel confident that one day we will conceive and bear children, and so I feel I will have those experiences so I don't mourn the loss of them (at least I haven't yet.)

For some reason hearing that a couple has been selected by birth parents effects me a little differently. At least it does if it is someone that has been waiting less time than us. I hope this won't come out wrong. I have a friend at church who adopted a little boy two years ago. It happened super fast for them. So fast that they never even had to create an adoption profile. Within a week of deciding they were going to adopt and telling people a birth mom (the daughter of my friend's coworker) had picked them. Since their son will be 2 next month they started the adoption process again 6 months ago. So a year and a half after we started. When she told another of our friends that they were trying to adopt again this other friend said she hoped I got a baby first. That isn't really how I feel, anymore than I feel that I hope I get a baby before my sisters have any more (by the way, I have had 7 nephews born since we started trying to have a baby, and at the time we started trying none of my sisters were pregnant or even wanting to be). I do hope I have a baby before I have more nieces or nephews born, but that is not because I want my sisters to have to wait longer or that I feel I am in competition with them (or anyone else). It is because the only ones that still want to have more kids recently did and I hope I don't have to wait longer than the time until they will be having more. So my feeling about others who are adopting isn't that I hope I receive my baby first. But this friend was recently chosen by a birthmother who is due in December. I am thrilled for them. I know my friend has worried about not being able to provide a sibling for her son and now she doesn't have to worry any more. Plus, they just want a baby, which I understand. But I have had one negative feeling, a feeling of "What is wrong with me? How are they chosen by birth parents so quickly while we have not even been contacted by a single birth parent in 2 years?" Intellectually I know that this is not a competition and that the birth parents of our children will pick us when they are looking and that really I don't want to be contacted and then not picked, but I am a girl and have insecurities and so I have had this feeling. But it has past and I am fine now. It didn't last too long anyway, which I am grateful for.

So that's it, the way I feel about other people telling me they will be having another baby - a little longing/emptiness, and little insecurity, but mostly joy and excitement for them (and for me if it is my sister because that means I get another niece or nephew!)

PS - My friend that was just chosen to adopt again has a vlog (video log) on youtube about her adoption journey and all things adoption. She has a ton of followers and her videos have even been shown in health classes in England. She is quite awesome. Check out her channel if you are interested.

Adoption Awareness Month

November is Adoption Awareness Month. I am not really part of the adoption community yet since we have not adopted, have not placed for adoption, and am not adopted. Still, since we've been trying to adopt for quite some time now and have experienced similar trials as adoptive couples and I have read so many people's adoption experiences I feel like I'm part of it.

One thing I have learned since embarking on this journey is that there are a lot of people incredibly opposed to adoption. And, adoption is dying out. I wanted to volunteer at a local pregnancy aid center (hopefully this will still work out) and in talking with them they said that almost all of the girls that come to the center choose to either have an abortion or parent. I am not sure why so few choose adoption but I think it may be because of all the negativity surrounding adoption as of late. People have said really awful, hurtful things to my friends that have adopted - I don't really remember all of them but things like "You'll never be his real mom" or "He'll hate you when he grows up". Girls that have placed have also received a lot of negativity - people saying that "If you really loved your child you could never give it up." Some of the negativity comes from people that were adopted and feel it would have been better if they hadn't been. Some comes from birth parents who feel that there are un-met promises from the adoptive parents. Also, there is also opposition from the parents of birth parents - they want to be part of their grandchild's life and feel that their child isn't living up to his/her responsibility when choosing adoption. But a lot of it is just ignorant people. That is why it is important to be an adoption advocate.

I'm grateful for all the birth parents who blog and let people know why they chose adoption and all the good, and bad, that comes with it. I'm also grateful for the adoptive families that share their stories. One blog that I go to if I want to read these experiences is www.ldsadoptioncouples.blogspot.com. There are lots of links to various blogs on it. I haven't read as many experiences of adoptees, but they are out there as well. I have known many people that are adopted, and so far I haven't talked to any that wish they were not.

In thinking about adoption the thing about it that stands out the most to me is that it is truly about love. The complete, selfless love of those who choose a plan for their child to allow them to have a life they can not currently provide. The complete, engulfing love of parents who finally receive the wish of their heart because of the selfless love of another. And the shared love between the birth and adoptive parents. There is a lot of love in adoption.

Although I am so grateful for those who choose to place and am deeply in awe of their selflessness I also do not feel that those who choose to parent love their children less (or more). When faced with an unplanned pregnancy their is no easy option. All will be hard and painful. Having read many birth parent blogs I know that for the majority of them following placement their is a long grieving process, similar to that following the death of someone very close. But also of the blogs I have read the majority of them are very glad they chose placement and are super grateful for the parents of their child.

I also know many people that have chosen to parent, for various reasons. And there is a lot of love in this decision as well. For many choosing to parent means giving up their own dreams, plans, goals, etc. It means growing up fast. There is a lot of pain and difficulty in this choice too. But again, of those who have chosen to parent I don't know any that wish they had not.

I don't know anyone (at least I don't know that I do) that has chosen abortion. Well, that is not true. When I met with the people at the pregnancy crisis center the lady I talked with had had an abortion. What I learned at the center is that although people think when they are choosing abortion that they are choosing the easy, least painful route, that is not the case. I can't remember what they call it, something like post-abortion syndrome, but their is a significant grieving process at some point post-abortion. A period of intense guilt and longing. The sad thing about this is there is no joy that accompanies it. I ache for those who choose this. I know many people that are struggling with infertility are filled with rage at those who choose abortion - how can they kill their child when so many people would gladly receive it? Although I am completely opposed to abortion it does not fill me with anger, it fills me with sadness. Sad that a life is lost, but also sadness for those who make that choice. Having talked to birth parents I know that many contemplate abortion - even those who believe it is wrong. When they find they are pregnant their are a lot of emotions, and a lot of fear. And abortion seems so easy - it's not.

When we were first getting approved to adopt we had to fill our A LOT of paperwork, answer so many questions we had never considered before. One of the questions was how we felt about birth parents. We wrote about our gratitude and our awe - which is what we feel. But about a year or so later I was talking to a friend who is also trying to adopt about all the questions. He said that he answered that question as "I don't have anything against them." I was surprised. He said that these were girls that had done something wrong (had extra-marital sex). Okay, I can't remember exactly what he said but something to the effect of they did something wrong and are just doing what they have to do now. I disagree with this for several reasons. First, they don't have to choose adoption. Adoption is completely unselfish and filled with love. Regardless of what brought them to needing to make this decision they are now acting with such charity how can you not be filled with love and compassion for them? Second, not all birth parents are teenagers, and not all are unmarried, and not all are childless. There are many older birth parents that could very easily provide for the needs of their child, but for whatever reason feel that an adoptive couple can provide better. There are married couples that choose to place because they are not able to meet the needs of a baby - whether because their marriage is rocky or for financial reasons. And there are people that already have children but feel that they can't provide for more. But whatever the circumstances, whatever the reason, it is always their love for their child that motivates them to choose adoption.

Well, anyway, this is kind of a rambling post, just what I have been thinking about in relation to this month focused on adoption. Probably nothing new to any of you, but that's alright.