Holidays

Since today is Halloween AND Nevada Day (Happy Nevada Day everyone) I thought I would write about holidays. I LOVE them. All of them. I love reasons to celebrate. I love reasons to spend time with family. I love reasons to eat good food. And for several holidays, I love the reason for the holiday (Halloween not so much, but I still love Halloween). But despite loving holidays they are some of the times that not having children is hardest.

For most holidays not having kids is hard because many holiday traditions are geared toward children and I want to be able to have the kids to do them with. I want to go trick-or-treating, dang it. I want to dress my kids up. I want Halloween parties. I want to make Halloween decorations and carve pumpkins. Yes, Ryan and I can do some of these things, but we want to do them with our kids. I want to set up Santa stuff and I want to watch my kids excitedly see their gifts. In Ryan's family I am the youngest, so there are no kids when we have Christmas with them. We still enjoy Christmas, but it is just different. My family has a ton of kids (I have 6 nieces and 20 nephews). This helps me. I like watching my nieces and nephews be excited. Last year was a little hard for me though. Most of my family lives in Las Vegas so they have their own homes, but all my previous Christmases with my family my two younger sisters have always been at my parent's house with me. Last year it was just Ryan and me at my parent's house. My sister Jenny didn't get to Las Vegas until Christmas afternoon and Maggi decided to stay at her house with her husband and son. Not only did this make Christmas Eve a little less exciting, but I also didn't get to just wake-up and be there when kids first saw their things. I understand that all my sisters need to do what's best for their families, but sometimes, especially at holidays, I feel a little left out. Still, usually having my nieces and nephews around helps.

The one holiday that is not made easier by having kids around is Mother's Day. Kids don't make it harder for me, and in truth I think it is not as hard on me as many people wanting and unable to be pregnant. But it is a day when my emotions are a little closer to the surface. I WANT to be a mom, but I'm not, and so it can be hard. I may cry a little bit, but then it passes and I am fine, and I can go on to celebrating my mom and mother-in-law and all the other fantastic women in my life, and feel blessed.

So, the point is that I still LOVE holidays and am so happy we have them, but they can bring with them a little sadness and a lot of longing, and that is okay.

Church

Well, since today is Sunday and I went to church I figured I would write today about church attendance. For a lot of women facing infertility attending church is difficult. I have mostly read experiences of other members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but that book I read was written by a member of a different Christian church and her experience was similar to the others I have read, so I don't think it is unique to members of my same faith.

One of the main reasons church attendance can be difficult in such circumstances is because of all the families, all the emphasis on families - it makes it so painfully clear that you haven't completed your family, or even gotten very far along that path. You see what you want so badly and can't have. There is some jealousy, but mostly just pain. And discouragement. And doubt. Wondering why if families are such a part of Heavenly Father's plan, why if He loves you just as much as His other children, why if having children is the desire of your heart and it is a righteous desire, you are not receiving them. It is also easy to feel left out and like you don't belong because you don't have kids. Another challenge to going to church under such circumstances is that people ask questions or make comments that although are said innocently can be quite hurtful. These questions also make you feel judged and inferior.

I understand all these challenges - I have felt all of them at least some. But I have never felt like I didn't want to go to church because of this challenge. I always enjoy going to church - I like the way I feel when I am there. Soon after we first started trying to have children I served in the primary presidency (the leadership of our children's organization - for children 3-12 years old). At that time I didn't know how hard it was going to be for us to get our kids here. I enjoyed the primary - the kids were cute, I liked the women I served with, I liked singing the songs, I liked all of it. Around 8 or 9 months later I was asked to teach early morning seminary (teach the high school students of our congregation Old Testament every morning before school). When this happened I worried that it meant that I would have to wait a year before our kids would come - I was disappointed about that. Teaching seminary was difficult for me for various reasons, but I loved it for other reasons and hope to do it again. Even so, when the school year was over I was asked to teach nursery (the 18-30 month year old kiddos). I know this would be hard and a little hurtful to a lot of people who really want children to be asked to teach the youngest of kids. I loved it - I loved that the kids were excited to see me, they would hug me and want to sit on my lap. I got to teach with another woman who is so fantastic with kids and I got to learn a lot from her. Sometimes Ryan would come help us with the kids and it was fun to watch how excited they'd get to play with him, and to see how imaginative he was. A year after doing that Ryan was asked to serve in the bishopric of the young adult (18-31 year olds) singles ward. We've been doing that for 2.5 years now.

I'm not entirely sure why going to church isn't hard on me like it is for many infertile women. I know it partly has to do with that peace that I have been blessed with - with being able to trust in Heavenly Father's plan. I guess it also has to do with my faith that we will have children someday. I don't know how much longer we will have to wait, but I do not doubt that one day kids will come. So talks on families, or emphasis on the importance of them or motherhood etc., for me are kind of like promises. One day I will get that too. I think another part of it is in what you are going to church for. The main reason I go to church is to renew my covenants. But I also always pray that I will recognize the needs of those around me and know how to help. I think if I can keep my focus away from myself then it is not as hard to not get sad about things.

But even though church is not hard for me I again acknowledge that this is mainly because of a huge blessing I have received to have peace at this time. I do hope that everyone can receive this same peace. But not all have, not yet, and it doesn't make them less, and it doesn't invalidate that this challenge is hard. And being faced with everything you want and can't have can be very hard. I ache for those who struggle.

My Story

We've now been trying to have children for 5 years. That's not when I started wanting kids. I've always wanted to be a mom. I had some things I wanted to finish before I became one. And I have done those things. It took us a while to both feel ready and right about starting to grow our family. But 5 years ago we were both ready and it felt like it was the right time.

Three and a half years ago (after a lot of doctor's appointments, testing, medications) we were told there was very little chance we would have children without serious interventions. We did more testing and did everything we could short of the serious intervention (in vitro). We prayed a lot to know what to do to grow our family.

Two and a half years ago we got the answer that we should pursue adoption. Two years ago we finished all our paperwork, background checks, etc. and were approved for adoption. Two years ago we got our profile out there. Two years ago we started telling everyone we knew that we were planning to adopt. Two years ago we started waiting. And we are still waiting. We have not yet been contacted by a single potential birth parent.

There are a lot of emotions and such that go along with infertility and becoming part of the adoption world. It is interesting how once you face a challenge such as this you become part of a new community. We first became part of the infertility community which introduced us to new people, new stories. Now we are also part of the adoption community (or rather, the hoping to adopt community) which has brought more new people, new stories. I read people's blogs about infertility and adoption (from both the adoptive and hopeful parent's perspective as well as the birth parent's perspective.) I read books about them too.

I've been part of a book club for 4.5 years now. A few months ago we read a book by a local woman who has adopted two children from Russia - it was all about her experience, first with infertility, then adoption. We had more people at that book club than any other one ever I think. We had 3 ladies there that have adopted, and others that have struggled with infertility. I didn't talk much at this book club (I don't usually talk that much), I listened. People have asked me what I thought of the book, and what I thought of that book club meeting. (By the way, the book is called Hope Deferred, in case you were wondering.) I liked the book fine. I didn't disagree with anything in it. I think it is especially good for people that have not faced infertility to read so they can understand what the challenge may be like - what they may say that could be hurtful, what could be helpful, and how they can be understanding. For that I liked it. But as I was reading it I felt like I understood why she felt as she did - that her story, her experiences and emotions, was fairly typical, similar to the other stories I have read on various blogs. And I understand why they would feel the way they do. But also as I read all these stories I feel that they are not mine, that my experience is different. So reading it didn't validate my experience, which is what I think most people that are facing such a challenge would hope to gain from reading other's stories. The conversation at book club was also not validating for me, which was another reminder to me that my story, my experience, is different. I am glad mine is different. It is my gift from a loving Heavenly Father and Savior. Lately I've been feeling like sharing my story, I don't know why, but I have. Maybe to help me feel validated somehow - just get it out there. Anyway, since this is my blog I will share my experiences, just a little at a time, as I think about the different parts. My story is not entirely unique. Although I feel different in many ways, I probably share more experiences than differences with others facing similar challenges. I plan to share the things that are hard and the things that are not hard for me. Those things that bring tears and pain and frustration and trials of my patience, and the things that make me smile and feel peaceful and grateful. Those things I wish I could do without and the things that make me feel blessed. If you have any questions that you would like me to address feel free to ask. Otherwise I will just post as things come up in my mind and heart.

To start - you can read about the reason my experience is different here. Well, at least it is what has helped me to change my perspective so a lot of things are easier on me than most people struggling with unfulfilled wishes.