Ryan and I have now been trying to have kids for ovver two years. From some of the wording of my patriarchal blessing I have always felt like the timing of when I would have children wouldn't be what I wanted. So I wasn't surprised when about a year had gone by and we hadn't been able to have children. However, since then as we have worked with doctors to try to have children, there have been times when I got pretty discouraged. But I would say that for about the past six months or so I have been pretty happy and really enjoying my life. I have a great husband and we have a lot of fun together. My life has always been blessed. I am not sure when children will come to us, but that is okay, because I am happy. My plan was to have kids either a little before or right when I finished graduate school. Things obviously aren't going according to my plan. I hate it when things don't go according to my plan and I don't know what Heavenly Father's plan is, which is hard on me. But as I was sitting in church today partaking of the sacrament I was just completely overwhelmed with gratitude that even though my plan is not working out, I am still happy. That when my sisters and friends call me and tell me they are pregnant, I am truly happy for them and not jealous. That I can go to baby showers and it's not hard on me, I can just have fun and rejoice for my friend who is about to have a sweet baby. That I could go to my sister's ultrasound and just be so excited to experience that with her. I know that the ache of wanting to have children is still with me, that I still really yearn for them and if I could get pregnant today I would, because once in awhile something will happen and I will have glimpses of the pain that is there. But most of the time I am just happy and hopeful. So I was thinking about this today and how grateful I am that during this waiting period I don't have to wait in pain, and I thought of a scripture. It is in the Book of Mormon, Mosiah 24:14-15:
14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.
I think that is what the Lord has done for me; eased my burdens so that I will not feel them during this time, and so I will witness that he does visit us during our afflictions, because of his great love for us. And I am so grateful.
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