Motherhood's Not For Whimps!

Being someone who has been faced with infertility and has been blessed with a daughter through adoption I sometimes am affected by comments people will make in a way that I wouldn’t be otherwise. Infertility is a challenge, a big one. And although I love adoption and am eternally and profoundly grateful for it, there are challenges attached to it as well. Also, adoption doesn’t cure infertility. That may sound weird, but the thing is, being female, we are born with a desire to create life as well as a desire to mother. Having a child through adoption does fill the need to mother, but it doesn’t get rid of the desire to create life.

I have been aware of my infertility for 8 years now. During those 8 years I’ve heard a lot of comments that take me aback. I am not offended by them, I know that everyone has things that are hard for them and just because I would love to experience something that is a challenge for another person does not take away or diminish the difficulty for that person. I am not hurt by these comments, upset, or anything. I choose to believe people are kind and not trying to be in any way hurtful. But still, when I hear some comments, they make me think.

What I am referring to are comments such as someone telling me that adoption must be so nice and easy, so pain free; or someone saying that next time they will “just” adopt; or that I am so lucky that I haven’t had my body misshapen by pregnancy; or people complaining that they got pregnant when they weren’t meaning to or wanting to; or any comment that makes it seem like adoption is just so easy and I should just be grateful never to have experienced the terrible trial of pregnancy and delivery.

I have 6 sisters – 22 nephews, 6 nieces. I have seen pregnancy. I have seen delivery. I have seen the pain of miscarriages. I know that it is hard. I have a best friend with hyperemesis gravidarum (pregnancy is life threatening for her). My mom was in bed her entire pregnancies – with all 7 of us! I know that pregnancy is no cake walk, even the “easy” ones, and that delivery isn’t either.

But when someone makes a comment that implies adoption is just so easy I think to myself “You have NO IDEA”. And then, I started to wonder, maybe I HAVE NO IDEA. Maybe just because I am close to many people that have been pregnant doesn’t mean I really understand just how difficult it can be, or delivery either. Maybe I am the one in the dark thinking that adoption is hard.

So, I asked – I asked moms who have been in both places, who have biological as well as adopted children, about their experiences. Being a scientist I considered running some statistical analyses, but I didn’t J. And I won’t even report any numbers. Overall what I found though was that both pregnancy/delivery and adoption are hard (and being a mom after you finally get your children here is hard too.) These amazing moms report that they both have physical difficulty and they both have emotional difficulty. Overall, pregnancy/delivery is harder physically while adoption is harder emotionally. The main thing that sets adoption apart is time (not having an end-date in sight and having emotional challenges associated throughout life.) Both avenues of becoming moms are challenging and rewarding, and infinitely worth it.

There have been countless times that I have sat with a group of women and listened to conversations about delivery stories or pregnancy stories – as if comparing war stories. Being in these situations doesn’t upset me, but I have nothing to contribute. (That’s not entirely true, sometimes I will chime in with stories from my sisters or friends and now even Abby’s birth mom, but I don’t have any stories of my own to share in these conversations.) It is not likely that I will happen to be in a group of women where we will all compare adoption stories (unless such a group is intentionally sought out.) So one day I will post on here what challenges I face with adoption. Not to complain – as I said, I am SO GRATEFUL for adoption. I can’t express how grateful I am. And I would not trade Abby and the experiences we have had to get her into our family for any pregnancy/delivery. I LOVE my life, just the way it is. I don’t want it changed. There are experiences I hope to have that I haven’t yet, but I would not ever give up the experiences I have had. I will share my challenges only to help people understand what adoption is really like, and that when you casually say that next time you’ll just adopt or tell someone they had it so easy with adoption you may think, well, maybe not. (Although adoption is wonderful and I do feel a little sorry for people who only have biological children. Who wouldn’t want an Abby in their family? No one, that’s who J).