I've Been Looking For You

Power of Sisterhood

Admittedly I haven't watched this whole video (it's nearly 20 minutes long) but I did watch the beginning and loved the idea. When this young women found herself pregnant and single she talked with her pastor. He told her what he thought could best help her would be to surround her with a group of women that would pray for her (not try to influence her decision in any way, just pray that she would be led by her Heavenly Father in knowing what to do and healing) and so 4 women did just that! So awesome! Here's the video, in case you are interested:

National Infertility Awareness Week

My family, 4 months before Abby was born (we didn't know about her then.) It may or may not be obvious but Ryan and I were the only ones in my gigantic family without any children.

Did you know it’s National Infertility Awareness week? I just found out. But I’ve known about our infertility for 8 years. I was surprised by it though. Not that it would be hard to conceive, I expected that, but I didn’t realize just how unlikely it would be. That was a shock.

When I first found out about the unlikelyhood of me ever being pregnant (at least without serious medical intervention) I felt very alone. I didn’t know of anyone close to me with the same problem. Since the time we started trying to have children I have had 12 nephews born (another on the way) from 5 sisters (I have 22 nephews and 6 nieces currently – 6 sisters total). It seems pretty much all of my friends have had babies (at least the ones who weren’t seriously avoiding pregnancy). I don’t begrudge anyone the opportunity to have babies, I’m happy for them when they do (sometimes happier for them than they are for themselves), but it can seem like you are the only one not having babies sometimes, and it’s lonely. But, since that time I have learned that I’m not alone and have found many friends because of infertility. We have a nice support community. But still, we are a minority. Most of the population doesn’t understand what infertility is like – many try to be understanding and sensitive, but just as with pretty much any life situation, if you haven’t been there it is difficult to really get it.

So, to aid in infertility awareness I will share a little about my experience – well, what I have learned from it.

I have learned that everyone’s experience with infertility is different. What has been hard for me may not be hard for someone else, and vice versa. The way I grieve it may be different from the way someone else does. What I have gained from it may also be different. If you want to know what a person is specifically struggling with, or what they need you to be sensitive about, ask them. I would have been very hurt if people hadn’t invited me to baby showers or if my sisters hadn’t invited me to ultrasounds or their deliveries. Some people don’t want to be included in things like that (and I understand that) but I wanted to still celebrate life and be part of the joys in the lives of people I love.

• A hard thing for me was receiving unsolicited advice. Not all of it was hard, mostly when people share ideas with me or ask me if I knew about or considered something I genuinely appreciated it. Sometimes the advice was good or what they shared was knew to me, mostly I just appreciated that they loved me enough to be thinking about our trial and wanting to find ways to help. When advice was hard for me was when I felt like I was given the same advice repeatedly by the same person and it felt like I was being judged – like I wasn’t doing enough to become a mom. I still knew the advice was out of love and I wasn’t hurt or offended, it was just tiring to have to keep explaining why I was doing (or not doing) things.

• Another hard thing was questions. I was not bothered by people asking why we didn’t have kids yet or when we were going to have kids. What was hard for me was being asked why we couldn’t. That was a very invasive question to me. I understand the curiosity and am not offended by it. But when your body is not functioning correctly, with something that seems so basic (Adam and Eve were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth; plants, animals; amebas – all living things multiply ALL THE TIME; and it seems like every other person on the earth is capable of achieving what our bodies were meant to do – multiply!) it is humiliating. It is a strike against your womanhood (or manhood). It feels like your body has completely let you down. And it is embarrassing. I know logically it shouldn’t be, but it is, at least for me. I think it is in some ways comparable to having a mental illness. Really, people with mental illness have no more control over it than someone with cancer or some other physical illness. But since it is mental it feels like you should be able to have the self control to over come it, but that is not how it works, and can be embarrassing. It shouldn’t be, but it is. Infertility is like that – embarrassing, even if it shouldn’t be.

• Everything you do to try to get pregnant… Tracking my cycle, taking my basal temperature every morning for years, trying different diets, fertility treatments, etc. Hoping each month that it might be the month, hoping that my cycle being a little late means there’s a baby. Being so nauseated and thinking it meant something more than my body wasn’t happy with me. Not taking any migraine medications half of every month because of the possibility that it could hurt a baby. Willing to do it all to get pregnant, but nothing helps.

• Not having experiences that I want so much has been hard. I LOVE being a mom, and I am SO GRATEFUL for our infertility because it is only because of it that Abby is our daughter, and I can’t imagine not having her amazingness in our lives. But adoption is not a cure for infertility. I want so much to know what pregnancy feels like. I want to see the positive pregnancy test – to get to tell my husband, my family, my friends. I want to go to ultrasounds, I want to feel a baby inside me, I want to be able to blame body changes on pregnancy J, I want to have control over the diet my baby has from the beginning, I want to be able to nurse, and honestly I want to feel what it is like to have a child that doesn’t have another mother. I want all of those experiences so much. Having those things will not make it so I love a child that came to us that way any more than I love Abby or any other child that comes to us through adoption. Those are just experiences I long to have.

• One of the hardest parts of infertility for me is the unknown. Having to find the right way to receive children into your family, having so little control over when it will happen, not knowing if one day you will actually conceive, etc. It’s emotionally exhausting, so much so that it manifests physically as well. And in truth, I hate not being able to plan trips. I know that is a small problem in the grand scheme of things, but I love taking trips and not being able to predict or even just have 9 months notice for when a baby will join us makes planning trips tricky, darn it!

I’m sure there have been other things that have been hard for me that I’m not thinking about right now, but these are some of them, the main ones. I realize though that there are things that are commonly difficult for many people struggling with infertility and even though they don’t generally present a huge problem for me I think it is good to be aware of them. Here are some:

·         Being in places where they are continually confronted with it (church or other social situations where you are likely to see many pregnant women or families with young children or here talks about parenting; or baby showers; Mother’s Day).

·         Hearing conversations about pregnancy or delivery or parenting. Hearing people complain about pregnancy or commenting about how they weren’t even trying to get pregnant or wish they weren’t pregnant.

·         People complaining about their children and sometimes making comments about how they’d be willing to give them to you.

·         People trying to be “helpful” by pointing out to you all the reasons you should be grateful to not be pregnant or have children (no stretch marks, full nights sleep, have sex without need for contraception, date nights without having to find a babysitter, etc…  These things are true, and while you are faced with infertility you try to focus on the positives, but having people tell you why you should be thankful not to have what you most want is not helpful.)

·         Comments such as “You’ll get pregnant once you adopt” or “You just need to relax” or “Do you need a book on how to do it right?”

·         Questions about when couples will start having kids or why they haven’t yet or statements that are judgemental such as “We have been counseled to not delay having children.”

·         People making suggestions about the right way for them to bring children into their family.

·         Telling someone that already has children but who is struggling with not being able to have more that they should just be grateful for those they already have, or saying something that infers that they are being selfish to want more.

·         Telling them you understand what they are going through, especially if getting pregnant has never been a problem for you.

Well, I intended to also write about what I have learned from infertility and other blessings in my life because of it. I hate to leave this post on a negative note, but it’s already gotten quite long so my happier, positive posts will have to wait for another day.

Together We Are Motherhood

A Better Life

Last night Ryan and I watched "A Knight's Tale". I love that movie for several reasons and I've seen it multiple times. But it's been several years since I saw it last, I don't remember how long. When I was watching last night I was struck by the part where William's father has taken him to the knight to become a squire and they are saying goodbye, maybe for life, they don't know. William's father tells him to go with the knight, to live a better life than he could provide - he tells him it is all he can do for him. As he is telling William this I couldn't help but think of my daughter's birth mom, and all birth parents really. I was thinking about how heart broken he was and how ridiculously hard it must have been to say good bye to his son, and wondering how he could possibly have done that, and then hearing him explain why, that it was the best thing he could do for him. He broke his heart so his son could have a life that he couldn't provide. And that is exactly what birth parents do, they sacrifice their hearts, their happiness, so their child can have a chance for a life they are not currently able to provide. They have enough love, many even would financially be able to support the child, would be able to provide enough. But they want for their child to have more than enough, they want that child to have the best they can possibly find for them. That kind of selfless love is amazing and inspiring to me.
And then I thought about how much trust that father put in the knight that he placed his son with. He had to trust that the knight would provide the life for him that he hoped, that it really would be a better life than he could provide. And so I thought about how humbling it is as an adoptive parent to have someone who has placed that same trust in us. That Cheyenne had to trust us, and continue to trust us, to provide the life for Abby that she sacrificed her heart for.
And being Easter I also think about my Heavenly Father who sent His Son here, so that I can have a better life, a life that matters and will continue throughout eternity, one that I will share eternally with my family. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16
I am grateful for all parents who love enough to sacrifice their hearts! Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I love you!

Laugh, Smile, and Remember

She Melts My Heart

Further evidence that Abby is a genius... The past month or so at church while the sacrament (communion) is being passed I have talked to Abby about why it is happening, about Jesus and how the bread and water represent what He has done for us and how He felt everything we do so that He can comfort us and help us whenever we need Him. We had General Conference the week before last, so no sacrament. This past Sunday while it was being passed I asked her if she remembered why we did it. She said "For Jesus". Completely melted my heart. I LOVE her.
Oh, and she can count to 10 (14 actually) on her own. Those are some smart pants she's got!

Memory Lane

This past week+ has been so full of memories for me. On April 4th 2012 I received the email that forever changed our lives - we learned about Abby (she was 9 days old.) On the 5th I met with her biological grandma (she's the one who emailed me, we taught in the same department at TCU) and she told me more about Abby and the situation and showed me the first pictures I saw of my daughter. On the 6th (it was Good Friday - we now think of it as Best Friday) Ryan and I met her (she was in the NICU at Cook Children's). We got to hold her. On Saturday (the 7th) we told Cheyenne (Abby's awesome birth mom) that we would be honored to adopt her and she told us that she wanted us to be Abby's parents. We went to the hospital again and took our first family picture. Sunday was Easter, we visited again - took her a bunny. I got to feed her for the first time, I LOVED getting to do something for her, like a mom smile emoticon. Monday I spent most of the day at the hospital. Cheyenne was there for the first half of the day, then I had a few hours alone with Abby. Being alone with her I first started feeling like her mom, that's when I started to let her take over my heart. I didn't get to see her Tuesday, it was hard. But Wednesday I was added to the list of people that could visit Abby whenever, which was fantastic. That evening Ryan came to the hospital after work. While he was there he gave her her first blessing, it was amazing. Thursday I had planned to be at a conference so I had already scheduled for my TAs to cover my classes. Instead of going to the conference I spent the day with Abby. She got a new pediatrician that day who decided she wouldn't learn to eat until she had to and decided to pull her feeding tube. Once she had to work for it Abby learned to eat quickly. Friday as I was getting ready to head for the hospital my case worker called to say the hospital had contacted him and thought Abby was going to be ready to be released from the hospital on Saturday. That meant Ryan and I would need to take over Abby's care right away including spending the night at the hospital. I was beyond excited. I headed to the hospital and started "rooming in". They took all the wires off Abby and I could hold her and walk around the room and not have to worry about being attached to anything! My mom and oldest sister flew in to be with us. After Ryan got home from work, walked our dog, changed his clothes, and packed some things my mom and sister brought him to the hospital to spend the night with us. I didn't get much sleep that night, but i hadn't been sleeping more than a couple hours a night since we learned about Abby, I was too excited. Saturday was crazy with all the things we had to do to check out from the hospital and everything that goes into placement. It was exhausting and very emotional. My sister came to take pics of Cheyenne and her parents with Abby. And after everything was finally done, we brought Abby home. That was April 14th. So for just 2 years we've had the incredible privilege of being Abby's parents. It's been awesome! I love my baby so much! (I blogged about this experience in much greater detail - there was lots more to it. If you wish to read more about it, feel free. I'll link to the first of the posts about it - it is a series of posts called "Abby's Story". There are 17 parts, 17 posts, just fyi: http://bigadventuresblog.blogspot.com/2012/07/abbys-story-part-1.html

She Makes It Look Good

She's so cute, she makes sweats and a t-shirt look good.

No Need To Worry

Don't worry - Iron Man (woman) Abby is here to protect you

Motherhood's Not For Whimps!

Being someone who has been faced with infertility and has been blessed with a daughter through adoption I sometimes am affected by comments people will make in a way that I wouldn’t be otherwise. Infertility is a challenge, a big one. And although I love adoption and am eternally and profoundly grateful for it, there are challenges attached to it as well. Also, adoption doesn’t cure infertility. That may sound weird, but the thing is, being female, we are born with a desire to create life as well as a desire to mother. Having a child through adoption does fill the need to mother, but it doesn’t get rid of the desire to create life.

I have been aware of my infertility for 8 years now. During those 8 years I’ve heard a lot of comments that take me aback. I am not offended by them, I know that everyone has things that are hard for them and just because I would love to experience something that is a challenge for another person does not take away or diminish the difficulty for that person. I am not hurt by these comments, upset, or anything. I choose to believe people are kind and not trying to be in any way hurtful. But still, when I hear some comments, they make me think.

What I am referring to are comments such as someone telling me that adoption must be so nice and easy, so pain free; or someone saying that next time they will “just” adopt; or that I am so lucky that I haven’t had my body misshapen by pregnancy; or people complaining that they got pregnant when they weren’t meaning to or wanting to; or any comment that makes it seem like adoption is just so easy and I should just be grateful never to have experienced the terrible trial of pregnancy and delivery.

I have 6 sisters – 22 nephews, 6 nieces. I have seen pregnancy. I have seen delivery. I have seen the pain of miscarriages. I know that it is hard. I have a best friend with hyperemesis gravidarum (pregnancy is life threatening for her). My mom was in bed her entire pregnancies – with all 7 of us! I know that pregnancy is no cake walk, even the “easy” ones, and that delivery isn’t either.

But when someone makes a comment that implies adoption is just so easy I think to myself “You have NO IDEA”. And then, I started to wonder, maybe I HAVE NO IDEA. Maybe just because I am close to many people that have been pregnant doesn’t mean I really understand just how difficult it can be, or delivery either. Maybe I am the one in the dark thinking that adoption is hard.

So, I asked – I asked moms who have been in both places, who have biological as well as adopted children, about their experiences. Being a scientist I considered running some statistical analyses, but I didn’t J. And I won’t even report any numbers. Overall what I found though was that both pregnancy/delivery and adoption are hard (and being a mom after you finally get your children here is hard too.) These amazing moms report that they both have physical difficulty and they both have emotional difficulty. Overall, pregnancy/delivery is harder physically while adoption is harder emotionally. The main thing that sets adoption apart is time (not having an end-date in sight and having emotional challenges associated throughout life.) Both avenues of becoming moms are challenging and rewarding, and infinitely worth it.

There have been countless times that I have sat with a group of women and listened to conversations about delivery stories or pregnancy stories – as if comparing war stories. Being in these situations doesn’t upset me, but I have nothing to contribute. (That’s not entirely true, sometimes I will chime in with stories from my sisters or friends and now even Abby’s birth mom, but I don’t have any stories of my own to share in these conversations.) It is not likely that I will happen to be in a group of women where we will all compare adoption stories (unless such a group is intentionally sought out.) So one day I will post on here what challenges I face with adoption. Not to complain – as I said, I am SO GRATEFUL for adoption. I can’t express how grateful I am. And I would not trade Abby and the experiences we have had to get her into our family for any pregnancy/delivery. I LOVE my life, just the way it is. I don’t want it changed. There are experiences I hope to have that I haven’t yet, but I would not ever give up the experiences I have had. I will share my challenges only to help people understand what adoption is really like, and that when you casually say that next time you’ll just adopt or tell someone they had it so easy with adoption you may think, well, maybe not. (Although adoption is wonderful and I do feel a little sorry for people who only have biological children. Who wouldn’t want an Abby in their family? No one, that’s who J).