Can't Help Loving

Once I let my walls come down and opened my heart up to loving Abby, well, it was all over from there. I was quickly, deeply in love with her. I wanted to be able to take her home so badly so I could be with her all the time. I hated having to leave her each day. I hated not being able to advocate for her (since I wasn't her mom the hospital staff wasn't even supposed to talk to me about anything medical.) I hated not knowing when we'd finally be able to take her home. I hated not knowing if we ever would get to take her home and if we did whether she'd stay with us. I loved her so much, and just wanted her to be with us always.

So, my song: "Can't Help Falling In Love" By Elvis Presley www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqv5b0UjR4g

Given Abundantly

Waiting For You

Feeling Real

 

We received the email telling us about Abby on Wednesday, April 4th. I met with her biological grandma on Thursday and learned more about her. Friday, Good Friday, Ryan and I met her. Saturday morning we told Cheyenne we would be honored to adopt Abby and she told us she wanted us to be the ones. We went and visited her again for a couple hours that day. Then we went shopping (we had nothing!) Sunday was Easter. We stopped by in the morning to get to spend a couple hours withher. That was the first time I got to feed her. The first time I got to do something for her. It was really good for me. Monday I spent most of the day there. Since Abby was in the NICU there were really strict rules about visiting and who was allowed to. Cheyenne was able to add 4 people to the list of individuals that were allowed to visit her without having to have Cheyenne there. She had put her mom on the list, her case worker, and the couple that had first planned to adopt her. It took a while before that list was changed so that we were on there (that happened Wednesday.)
The first few hours I was there Monday Cheyenne was there with her dad. I was supposed to leave when they did, but I just stayed in her room instead. The nurses knew Cheyenne had chosen us to adopt Abby and they didn't seem to mind my being there, even though technically I wasn't supposed to be. Being there alone with Abby for the first time was magical for me.
I enjoyed being there with Cheyenne. I enjoyed being with Abby in any situation. I enjoyed spending time with Cheyenne - getting to know her and bonding with her. And I enjoyed seeing how much she loved Abby. But while she was there she was Abby's mom. (She was Abby's mom even after placement, up until the day she relinquished her parental rights.) I knew that, and I respected it, but it was hard to bond with Abby while her mom was there. I wasn't her mom yet and didn't feel like it.
But for those hours when it was just us and I got to sit in the chair and look at her (I had brought work to do but didn't do any of it - I just watched her) I started to feel like her mom. It was the first time I had cried since reading the email. The first time it really started to feel real. The first time I felt my dream of being a parent was finally becoming a reality. It was a great feeling!
My song for today: "Love Song" by Adele: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjJUxczKAYE

Real Parents

Risking My Heart

I mentioned yesterday how I was basically engaged when I left on my mission. I was basically engaged up until one week before my mission ended - then I got a letter from that guy informing me that he had decided we would be happier married to other people. While I agree with him (and am so grateful to be married to Ryan!!!!!) I was very hurt at the time. A month after I got home from my mission I started my last year at BYU. I had met Ryan briefly (for 5 minutes) while I was home from my mission when I was sick and I was excited to have the opportunity to get to know him better. We started hanging out the 4th day of school. I have seen him most days since then. But when we first were spending time together I was scared. I didn't want to get my heartbroken again. One day I was talking on the phone with my mission president. He had known about my engagement from the first day we met, and we discussed it at each of our interviews. He had talked to that guy on the phone. And he also knew when I was leaving the mission about the letter ending that relationship. As we were talking this time I told him how I liked Ryan but that I was scared, that I didn't want to fall in love with someone again only to get my heart broken. I can't remember what words he used but he essentially said that I needed to stop it, stop being scared, stop guarding my heart. That if loving always leaves more room for hurt, but that it was the only way to have real joy. So just let myself love. I did, and I loved Ryan quickly. I just had to wait for him to love me too smile emoticon.
Well, when we decided to adopt Abby I was back to guarding my heart. We knew that it was a high risk placement - that the birth father could try to contest, that Cheyenne wouldn't be relinquishing until Abby was a month old and that if she changed her mind we couldn't do anything about it. Abby was at the hospital with Abby pretty much every day (Abby was in there 3 weeks) and we could see how in love with her she was. It seemed very possible that the adoption wouldn't go through. (We didn't even tell anyone other than our families about the possibility of adopting until after we brought her home.) It seemed so risky to fall in love with her, to hope that it would actually happen. But at the same time, it was hard to not fall in love with her. The more time I spent with her the more I wanted to be with her.
So, two songs for today: "Halo" by Beyonce (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnVUHWCynig) and "All of Me" by Matt Hammitt (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARIe3PUgu84)

Communication in Open Adoption

I will never regret choosing for our adoption to be open (at least I don't see why I would) but that is not to say that it is easy. Having an open adoption is like gaining a whole new set of in-laws, it's an eternal commitment to expand your family and your heart. When you are considering marrying someone you generally decide on doing so because you love that person and want to spend the rest of forever with them. You may or may not love their family immediately, some relationships come more naturally than others. When you decide to adopt it is because you love the child and want them with you for the rest of forever. You may or may not love their birth family immediately. It's not hard to love the birth family (at least it hasn't been for me), but the emotions that go along with placing a child for adoption and those that go along with adopting are very tender. And there's no manual for the right way to do an open adoption. It is a learning process, and it is hard. But because you love the child, and because you love each other, you are committed to making it work. Luckily for us, Abby's birth family is great smile emoticon. But here's a fantastic article about communication in open adoption. http://adoption.com/effective-communication