Mother's Day

On Mother's Day Abby's birth mom, Cheyenne, joined us for church. This is the third time she has come with us. The first time was within the first few weeks after Abby was released from the hospital. The second time was when Abby was blessed at 6 months. So it's been a while. I enjoyed having her there with us both of those times, but having her join us for Mother's Day was extra special! I was grateful for the chance to share this special day with her as we were both honored for our roles as mothers. And I was grateful that I was able to enjoy it so much. At the beginning of our adoption, when I was less secure with what having Cheyenne in our lives meant for my role as mom, I don't know that I could have enjoyed it quite as much. It is hard for me to know how to describe how I felt then compared to now. I always wanted her in our lives, I always wanted her to be part of it, and I always felt like I was Abby's mom. I just feel more secure now and better understand the role of a birth mother. And I guess, if I'm being totally honest with myself, at first I didn't want to share. I know that probably sounds selfish, after all Cheyenne had just made the hugest sacrifice ever and made it possible for me to even be a mom. But I had waited SO LONG to be a mom. I really wanted an infant so I could have the experience of us both just being totally consumed with each other. It was hard for me to share her with anyone, not just Cheyenne. But sharing the role of motherhood has been something I have had to grow into - it did not come naturally to me. It was hard on me that my body didn't produce a child and I really just wished for an experience similar to a mother who does grow her own child. But that wasn't my experience. I am happy that over the years I have become increasingly grateful that that wasn't my experience. There are so many hard things about adoption, but so many wonderful things too. I'm so grateful to be where I am now in this journey, so grateful to share motherhood with Cheyenne, and grateful she made it all possible!

Perfect visit with our new expectant mom

We just got back from visiting our new expectant mom. IT. WAS. AWESOME! Seriously couldn't have been better! We arrived on Good Friday, the 3rd (which also happened to be my mom's birthday - happy birthday mom!) Her brother had flown in the previous night for a surprise visit so we only got to see her for a few minutes on Friday. We got her some orchids and stopped by for a a quick visit. We wanted Abby to hand them to her but she was a asleep and not waking up smile emoticon. She was the only one home when we got there so we got to have a little one-on-one time (well I guess it was 3 on one since there are 3 of us.) She is so sweet. I loved getting to talk to her. I don't really remember what we talked about, I more just remember it was super comfortable (at least for us) and just felt like she was family. After 10 minutes or so her mom and brother arrived and we got to talk with them for another 10 minutes. They felt like family too. So comfortable, so peaceful, so wonderful. Even though it was a quick visit it was so good and I loved that we got to meet her on Good Friday - we met Abby and Cheyenne on Good Friday 3 years ago!
Saturday night my sister Maggi and I went to her house for a girl's night - her mom and two of her sisters were also there. We just ate and talked but it was seriously so much fun. We laughed a ton! They told us stories that definitely made us feel like we were part of their family. I won't tell what all we talked about, but it was an awesome girl's night! I enjoyed just getting to know more about their family, and I loved that they were comfortable enough with us to share so much.
Sunday night Ryan, Abby, and I had dinner with all their family that was in town. Again, just so comfortable and so fun. I got to talk with her one on one some, which was my favorite part. It was nice to just get to know her personality a little more and just know her more. I LOVE HER! I love her whole family. Like, I seriously love them. I am continually amazed at how comfortable I am with them and how natural it feels to consider them family. I know I haven't shared anything really specific about our visits - but mostly what I remember is how good it felt and continues to feel. So grateful to have them in our lives!

Abby Loves Cheyenne

Abby was telling me this morning that she wanted to go to the park, but a different one than yesterday, she didn't really, really love it. I told her I really, really loved her. She said "I really, really love you, and Daddy, and Penny, and Cheyenne". So sweet.

Yesterday we were talking about something she wanted to do, I can't remember what. I told her she needed to grow bigger first. She said "I need to get back in Cheyenne's tummy and grow." Cuteness.

Open By Choice

It seems like lately I have been asked several times if I am glad we have open adoptions and if I really want our next adoption to be open, or if I would prefer to cut off contact with birth families. I think people may have the idea that our adoption is open because that is something we had to agree to in order to adopt. Well, the truth is, we did have to agree to let Cheyenne (Abby's birth mom) see Abby twice a year (on each of their birthdays) but that is the only commitment she asked for (and her mom told me when she was telling me about Abby and Cheyenne that we could probably get Cheyenne to agree to just one visit a year.) 

Ryan and I are the ones who chose to have Cheyenne, and her parents, be a part of our family, not just people who share DNA with our daughter, not someone we obligatorily see once a year. They are our family, and our friends. We love them. Our adoption is as open as any I have heard of. We talk regularly, get together regularly, celebrate holidays together. And not because we have to, we do it because we want to. 

That doesn't mean that having this relationship is always easy. I think any time you include another person in your life you open yourself up to heartache and pain. When there are the extreme emotions associated with adoption (on both the birth and adoptive sides) those difficulties can increase. There have been moments that it seemed like it would feel so nice if I was Abby's only mom. But I'm not, and never will be. Cheyenne will always be a part of Abby, a part of Abby that I love.

If you had a family member that sometimes caused pain, or frustration, or anger, or other negative feelings (whether because of poor choices they make or the way they treat you or others or whatever) there may be times when you distance yourself a bit or protect yourself in some way, but for the most part, you wouldn't wish that person out of your life.

I will say that our open adoption has caused pain at various times, fairly significant pain, but I have not for a single second wished we had a closed adoption, or considered closing it, or wished Cheyenne out of our lives. We love her, I LOVE her. She made it possible for me to be a mom!!!! And I just love her. 

We chose open adoption for Abby - I never want her to wonder why she was placed for adoption, I never want her to feel unloved or unwanted or abandoned, I never want her to have questions about her past that she has no one to ask. I want her to have as much closure and peace as possible. Also, here is another person that loves my daughter like a parent does. How many people will love her that way, that selflessly. Cheyenne loves her as much as I do. She doesn't have the responsibility I have, but she does have the love. Why would I keep Abby from having that love in her life? We chose open adoption for our birth parents - we love them and want them to have the opportunity to be part of their children's lives. But even for us, we want the adoption open. It would be so hard on me to not know where she was, how she was doing, what was going on in her life. Like I said, I love her, and I want to know how she is. I want to be able to pray for specific blessings for her. She is as present in my thoughts as any other family member. And I need to be able to connect with her regularly.

So yes, I choose open adoption. I'm so grateful for it. It is who we are.
 ‪#‎choosingadoption‬ ‪#‎honestlove‬ ‪#‎openadoptionrocks‬ ‪#‎birthfamilyisfamily ‬‪#‎adoptionismorelove‬

The Baby Is A ....

We Got To See The Ultrasound!!!

Yesterday Ryan and I had the super awesome experience of getting to skype in to the ultrasound of our baby!!!!! Abby was 11 days old when we met her, so we didn't experience any of her pregnancy. I loved how things worked out with Abby, but this is so fun!!!!! We got to hear the baby's heart beat, learn the weight, and also the gender! So what do you think, boy or girl? 
(This ultrasound pic was actually from the 14 week ultrasound, we didn't experience that one but they sent us pics!)

Amazing Birth Mama

I love birth mom's, all of them! This one did something extra special for her daughter, so much love!
http://www.today.com/parents/teen-mom-sends-breast-milk-baby-she-gave-adoption-2D80476490

Now I Know My ABCs

I'm a first time mom so I don't really know what the average age for kids to start doing things is, but today Abby has been singing the entire alphabet song completely on her own and including every single letter. She's still two months away from turning 3 and I think it is pretty freaking AWESOME!!! ‪#‎proudmommy‬ ‪#‎thatisall‬ ‪#‎thanksforlettingmebrag‬

Party of Four

Our View Outside Our Door

Day 2: Our view outside our door. Our backyard isn't huge, but it's a good size for us. We have a peach tree, a plum tree, two pear trees, a Chinese pistachee, a vegetable garden, an herb garden, and ornamental bushes and such. I love growing our own fruits and vegetables, they taste so much better than store bought and I feel safer eating them (but I still buy tons from the store). We have a decent size lawn all the way around our house, enough space for our dog Penny to get a little exercise (although she gets most of her exercise from us taking her on walks/runs twice a day). We have great neighbors. My favorite view looking out my door is watching Abby play in the yard! She loves being outside! When she was a colicy infant sometimes the only way I could get her to calm down was to set her outside. She needs outside time every day. In the summer she likes to play in her pool. We have a little play house with a slide that keeps her occupied. She loves to help with yard work and throw sticks for Penny. I love seeing her sidewalk chalk drawings in the patio. It's so fun to have a little girl fill our yard with joy! ‪#‎hopingtoadopt60days‬ ‪#‎hopingtoadopt‬‪ #‎choosingadoption‬ ‪#‎adoptionrocks‬ ‪#‎adoption‬ ‪#‎openadoption‬ ‪#‎thankheavensforlittlegirls‬ ‪#‎Day2‬ ‪#‎Abbysthebest‬

Us

Day 1: Us. This morning we went to the Wynn with my parents to see the flowers there. This carousel was amazing. It was made by the guy who does all the flowers for the rose parade!
‪#‎hopingtoadopt60days‬ ‪#‎hopingtoadopt‬ ‪#‎Us‬ ‪#‎Day1‬ ‪#‎hopeimdoingthisright‬‪#‎choosingadoption‬ ‪#‎foreverfamily‬ ‪#‎adoptionrocks‬ ‪#‎openadoption‬‪#‎adoption‬

Hoping To Adopt 60 Days

So I'm not sure how well I'll do with this, but I'm going to try.
"I, along with many other amazing hopeful adoptive couples, will be doing a 60 day challenge to let you all get to know us a little better. If you know someone that is looking to place and think they would be a good match for us, have them check out our challenge! Also, if you are hoping to adopt, leave your email in the comments to learn more"
‪#‎hopingtodadopt60days‬ ‪#‎hopingtoadopt‬ ‪#‎choosingadoption‬‪#‎adoptionrocks‬ ‪#‎myforeverfamily‬

Something Better

Something Perfect

Adoption arises from pain (pain for a couple faced with infertility, pain for a birth mom breaking her heart to provide a life for a child she is unable to provide, pain of a child struggling with feeling abandoned/ and or abused), but it results in love and joy and so much wonderfulness. There is so much love in adoption, so much beauty, so much peace, so much joy. I'm so grateful for adoption in my life - not just because that is how I became a mom, but because I'm grateful it is the way I became a mom. Does that make sense - I'm grateful for what led me to adoption, I'm grateful to be part of the adoption community and all that has come into my life because of it, I'm grateful to have Abby just as she is, I'm grateful we adopted. I would still love to have the experience of pregnancy and delivery and knowing what it is like to have a child that looks like you and carries your DNA - I would just like to have those experiences, but I wouldn't trade my adoption experiences for them. Because there is so much perfection in adoption, and I'm SO GRATEFUL!!!!!!!!!! (After posting about our adoption every day for 30 days I'm out of ideas of things to write about, so - if you have a question or an idea of something you would like me to write about please let me know! Also, thanks so much to all of you who have read my posts, who have commented, who have shared them. smile emoticon )
My songs for today (my final songs): "Something Perfect" by Michael McLean (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YW4WMzl4h8g) and "Keeper of the Stars" by Tracy Byrd (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wngb5Mq1SQY)

She Loves Us, and We Love Her

Abby loves us (Ryan and me) - I can tell in the way she gets excited to see us, in her hugs and kisses, in her sweetness to us, in her desire to have us play with her. She loves Cheyenne too - I can tell in the way she talks about her, in her desire to call her, in her desire to have her come to things (like Thanksgiving), in her hugs and reaching up to hold her hand. I think children can love more than two people as their parent. Even in closed adoptions I think the children love their birth parents, without knowing them. I'm grateful Abby has more than two people who love her as deeply and unconditionally as parents do, and that she loves all of us back. And if I do this adoption thing right, I hope Cheyenne will always be there to share in Abby's big moments, those times when being the child's parent are so special - when she gets baptized, when she goes on her first date, when she heads to college, when she gets married, etc. I hope Cheyenne will feel like Abby's mom, and that Abby will feel like she is. The roles of birth mom and adoptive mom are different, but they are both important. I remember one of my adoptive mom friends saying this and I didn't understand it at the time. I do now - we both play a significant role in Abby's life, and always will. (Confession: I didn't start out as comfortable with Cheyenne still being seen as Abby's mom. There was part of me that felt like if she still was Mom, then I was sharing motherhood with her which made my role less of mom than someone who was raising a child born to them. It has taken time as well as insights from my amazing adoption community to help me feel more secure in my role as Abby's mom while also validating Cheyenne's role. I'm grateful for this perspective switch and grateful to have Cheyenne to share this motherhood role with. I still have a ways to go with this, but it's coming along.)
My songs for today: "Everything to Me" by Mark Schultz (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhqJYOYcnAU) and "Forever and For Always" by Shania Twain (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpT-FW_G8-A)

So Much Happiness

A beautifully written article about why adoptive parents may choose open adoption

http://somuchhappyness.blogspot.com/2014/11/why-we-have-open-adoption.html?spref=fb

Adoption: Open or Closed

Being 100% honest, there are some things about closed adoption that sometimes seem appealing, things that make open adoption hard, for all of us. But also being 100% honest I have never for a second wished we had our adoption closed. I have friends who have closed adoptions - from all sides of the adoption triad - that are happy with it being closed and don't wish for it to be open. I don't believe open is always the right choice, and I don't think it necessarily makes it easier on anyone in the triad. There's good and bad about both. But the truth is, I ache for those in closed adoptions, just because I love open so much. I can't imagine wondering what Abby's birth mom was up to, how her life was going, where she was, what she looked like, what the circumstances surrounding her decision to place were, how much she ached from not having Abby with her any more, what she thought about us, if she had other children, if she was married, etc. I still have questions in regards to how Cheyenne is doing and what she thinks of us, she's not super open about these things, but I would wonder more if I didn't even know who she was. And I think I may feel more guilt knowing I couldn't share any of Abby's amazingness with her. I'm so grateful Abby and Cheyenne know each other. I'm grateful Abby will have the chance to ask her the hard questions. I'm grateful Cheyenne gets to hold Abby, and see her grow up, and know she is happy and healthy and doing great. I wish so much that all those in adoption had those opportunities!
My favorite song for today "Somewhere Out There" from An American Tale (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_iRdgGZ6Xc). Other good ones: "I Wonder" by Kellie Pickler, "I Know You're Out There Somewhere" by Moody Blues, "Who Am I" by Phil Collins, "He Would Be Sixteen" by Michelle Wright, and "See You gain" by Carrie Underwood.

Giving Thanks

Being Thanksgiving I thought for today I would list things I am thankful for in relation to infertility/adoption/Abby/ and anything else I feel like listing smile emoticon
I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father that loves me enough to want my happiness as much as I do and knows me well enough to make a plan for me better than I can
I'm grateful for all the unanswered prayers that pave the road to the fulfillment of that plan.
I'm thankful for the answers to prayers that helped me to wait somewhat patiently
I'm thankful for the atonement of my Savior that made it possible for me to wait without crippling pain
I'm grateful to live in a country where adoption is possible and in a time where it happens
I'm grateful for scriptural examples of women who understood my trial
I'm grateful for friends I have made because of infertility and adoption and for the love and support they have given me
I'm grateful that infertility didn't drive Ryan and me apart
I'm grateful we had 9 years to enjoy each other before adding more people to the mix, and for the fun we had together, and still have.
I'm grateful for these years we've had to focus so much attention on Abby and just enjoy her amazingness.
I'm grateful for the opportunities I had to serve because I didn't have the responsibility of being a parent.
I'm grateful for the opportunity I had to go to school and work for a few years - for the things I learned, and especially the people I met.
I'm grateful for Cheyenne's courage - first to say no to abortion, and then to break her heart for Abby
I'm grateful for Abby's birth dad, who we have no relationship with but still contributed to making my amazing princess. I'm also grateful he never put up a fight about the adoption.
I'm grateful for Cheyenne's family, for their love of Abby and for our friendship with them.
I'm grateful for open adoption so that Abby can always have her questions and know she has always been wanted and loved. And so we can have Cheyenne and her family in our lives.
I'm grateful to have Abby in our lives - she's my favorite little person! As my sister put it, she's sunshine
I'm grateful I get to be her mom, and that I get to parent with Ryan.
I'm grateful we were able to afford our adoption.
I'm grateful for all the prayers said on our behalf that our family would grow, and for those who prayed them.
I'm thankful for all the people who rejoiced with us when Abby joined us - I don't think any child was greeted with more joy (well, maybe Christ), and I have never felt so loved.
I'm thankful for all the incredible milk donors who helped me keep Abby fed and full of nutrients. These women did it at their own expense, of time and money, for a total stranger. That kind of service is amazing.
I'm especially grateful for our biggest milk donor - my sister Maggi who pumped for us for 9 MONTHS, without even knowing if we would get a baby in time to use it!
I'm grateful for the opportunity I've had to share our adoption journey and help people understand better what adoption is all about.
I'm grateful for family and friends who share our desire to adopt with others - that's how Abby came to us, a friend telling a friend
So much to be thankful for!
Songs for today: "Blessings" by Laura Story (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOOFAaUGfRE) and "Beautiful Heartbreak" by Hillary Weeks (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyX-I-um5Kk - this video may make you cry, it's beautiful!). Other good ones for today are "God Blessed the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts, and "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks

Loving As Your Own

Yesterday I talked a little bit about some of my adoption heroes being parents who adopted children through foster care (or just through the state really) or through international adoption. Some of my other heroes are parents who adopted "step" children. Those who whether the adoption was official or not they have raised these children as if they were born to them and loved them thoroughly enough that these children never question whether they are the "real" child of this parent. I have seen split families within my own family and know that having "step" families can be hard. But just like with any adoption, the way a child joins your family is not any where near as important is them being there and being so grateful that they are. And these parents that can see that, and can treat these children in every way as their own, are heroes to me.
I am also so grateful that all our family, all our extended family, have always treated Abby as if she had been born to us. (I actually wonder sometimes if Abby gets a little bit of special treatment because she is so unique among our gigantic, very white, family. I think she would have been seen as special and a miracle even if we had born her, just since we had to wait so long, but the added uniqueness of her also coming to us through adoption has given her a special place in everyone's heart - at least that's how it feels to me. It probably also helps that she is a girl. I have 23 nephews but only 6 nieces and the niece closest to Abby in age is 6 years older than her. Anyway...) No one in our family is Abby's "step family", but it's the same idea - loving someone as your family regardless of how they joined. It's all about adoption, which is all about love.
My song for today: "Didn't Have to Be" by Brad Paisley. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjO1F6oCab8)

The Wait

From the time we started the adoption process the first time until we brought Abby home was 2.5 years. This time we have already been waiting over a year. Once you've decided to adopt there are lots of things to consider and decide upon. Do you only want to do infant adoption or would you be willing to adopt older children? Only through an adoption agency or would you adopt through foster care? Only domestic or would you do international. Those are the big questions. And then once those are answered there are a lot of follow up questions. Would you adopt a child with special needs, and if so how severe can the need be? What race are you willing to adopt? Boy or girl or either? What about a sibling group? What countries would you be willing to adopt from? How old of children would you be willing to adopt? It's strange with adoption that you even need to make choices like this. When children are born into your family you don't get to pick all these things. And really, I feel strongly that Abby would have found her way to our family no matter what. The adoption was so we can also have her birth family in our family now. And I also feel confident I will feel the same way about all our future children. And so it is important to me that we pursue adoption in the way Heavenly Father directs us. Sometimes it is hard waiting patiently for our family to grow. It is hard not to just try a new agency, or pursue international or foster adoption. And maybe one day we will, once we feel directed to do so smile emoticon. We are open to it!
I have lots of adoption heroes, but some of those I especially look up to have adopted through foster care, and another adopted internationally. These heroes I am thinking of adopted older children. What makes them heroic in my eyes is how much love they have for their children, how forgiving they are, how willing to look past the behaviors that are a result of trauma in their child's early life (look past in that they can see the cause, and yet still try to address the pain so it can be healed), how they are able to help these children know they are part of the family just as much as anyone else, even if they weren't in it from infancy. They are incredible parents with huge hearts and are so inspiring. And I think their children are heroes too, to open their hearts again after having them broken so severely, to learn to trust and love again, to let themselves change.
I haven't faced many of the trials these heroes have faced. One thing I can just start to related to is the agony of waiting to bring your child home. (International adoption can be a VERY LOOOOOOONG process, foster adoption too.) I only had 8 days of waiting - 8 days of wanting to bring Abby home, 8 days of waiting to be the one who could advocate for her and care for her. Those eight days were enough to let me see how hard it would be to have to wait months and years to bring your child home.
My top 2 songs for today: "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA) and "When Love Takes You In" by Steven Curtis (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beZ5hF-qZDY). But some other really good ones: "Amos Story" by Aaron Ivey, "Kings and Queens" by Audio Adrenaline, "So Far to Find You" by Casting Crowns, and "Home" by Phillip Phillips.